My Problems With The Current Filmic Superman

superman

Or: Y U Do Dis, Deborah Snyder?

When it comes to the DCEU version of Superman, I have always tried to bite my tongue. At its core, the character of Clark Kent/Superman is open to all sorts of interpretations. Who am I to come along and shit all over the current filmic incarnation?

Then Deborah Snyder said this:

“That’s the great thing about our Superman. He is more relatable. Someone said, ‘It’s so dark,’ and I go, ‘Well, is it dark? He’s going through real problems that we go through as people every day.’ To me that’s not dark, that’s life. We’re complicated people. And we’re making him in that way more relatable.

So I don’t think that’s dark, I think that’s just who we are. People are complex, we’re not strictly just the good Boy Scout trying to do good. He does want to do good, and I think all of the the things Superman represents are who he is, but he also stumbles along the way and learns from it. To me, that’s so much more interesting.”

What “real problems” has Henry Cavill’s Superman gone through? Finding a shirt? When to flex dem pecs? Which telephone pole to jam through which part of a truck? Sure, he had a bully, but even that wasn’t truly relatable. I don’t know many people who can relate to the feeling of holding back immense power so you don’t murder this mouth breather ten feet away from your neglectful fucking farmer father, who’s just gonna stroll in afterwards and make sure you’re cool.

“You good, bro? I know you wanted to fuck him up, but…like…why, you know?”

Oh wait, there we go. There’s another “real” problem. He had a pretty shitty father who may have looked at his powers as a goldmine of free labor (see: last conversation between father and son – before the father’s impossibly stupid death). Man, I can’t stand the DCEU version of Jonathan Kent. That dude is the worst. Total farmer bro.

“You saved a bus full of kids? Did you ever think about how that would impact your mother and I, bro? The fuck, bro? You maybe – you know – maybe should’ve let them die, bro.”

"I sure hope my kid is out there, somewhere...letting other kids die." ( Clay Enos - © 2013 Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc. and Legendary Pictures Funding, LLC)
“I sure hope my kid is out there somewhere…letting other kids die.” ( Clay Enos – © 2013 Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc. and Legendary Pictures Funding, LLC)

Where are the other “real” problems? He spends the entirety of “Man of Steel” being a moody bitch about his role in life. He gets shit on so much, but he has all these powers. If he were supposed to do something with them, why should it be for these people who have been so mean to him? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fuck, somebody call this bitch a wambulance. Superman can be relatable. There are plenty of ways to approach the character. Taking the route of reluctant defender isn’t a good one, be it dark or “relatable.” It’s just shitty to watch. He looked at the S on his chest as a burden. Especially after he got Lois. Dude wanted to go home and plow ass. Oh, we found another one!

And then he whispered, "Imma tear that ass up when we get home." (Warner Brothers)
And then he whispered, “imma tear that ass up when we get home.” (Warner Brothers)

The super relatable problem of having to use your time and powers to save people, rather than use your super D to rail the ever-loving shit out of the hot journalist you’re living with.

So by my count, we’ve got neglectful dad, getting laid, a bully, trying to find a shirt, when to flex dem pecs-

And how does that work, by the way? I respect all the work that Henry Cavill did to make himself look like a god, but did Clark Kent have to pump iron to get that look? Was it all that free labor his dad made him do back on the farm? Does he eat whole sides of beef at a time for protein intake? Or is the DCEU Superman soaking up the rays of the sun to make him stronger…in a way that expands his muscles?

If so, he’s going to look like a fucked up Rob Liefeld creation by the time he’s 50.

Something went wrong with Erskine's serum
Something went wrong with Erskine’s serum

Seriously Deborah Snyder, where are these “real problems” that your Superman is dealing with? In the first film, his biggest problem was finding his lot in life. In the second, it was his lot in life. That’s one problem stretched over two fucking movies.

And I’m discounting anything involving Jonathan Kent’s death. It was horribly manufactured bullshit. The whole thing falls apart, once Jonathan reaches the truck and it becomes clear that super powers were not needed in the slightest to rescue that goddamn dog. Idiot deserved to die.

“No bro, you watch your mother. Don’t you dare briskly jog over to that truck, grab that asshole dog, and then briskly jog back. Allow me, your verging on elderly father, who has worked on a farm his whole life. I got it, bro!”

So this was a fun rant. Turns out that’s all it was. When I started this, I at least thought I could make it more of a coherent article. Or did I? The title is pretty ridiculous. I don’t know.

superman, dceu superman
“Yes, I heard that Lois was in trouble. You know, super hearing. Then I flew there faster than a speeding bullet-” ***One guy gets it*** “This guy gets it! Anyway, I got there, and uh, then I decimated this one dude by flying his stupid face through a wall. Don’t mess with my kool-aid. All I’m saying.” (Warner Brothers Pictures)

I hope I got my point across, at least. The word “dark” has been thrown around a lot in conjunction with art. It basically doesn’t mean anything, but in regards to the DCEU Superman, I took it as an absence of light. Sure, he wasn’t ripping heads off or anything (he justifiably snapped Zod’s neck), but he was a colossal bummer for the majority of his screen time in two films.

Leave the “relatable” shit out of Superman. Clark Kent is the relatable one. That’s a huge problem with the DCEU version, as well. There’s little to no separation between them. There’s absolutely no reason that everyone at Laurence Fishburne’s Daily Planet shouldn’t know that Clark is Superman. No reason at all. They are all really bad at their jobs.

FINAL TALLY (“real” problems for Supes)

  • Finding a shirt after losing job for leaving ship to save people from explosion on oil rig.
  • Neglectful father who would really rather he stay on the farm and only use his powers for labor, definitely not to save busses filled with kids.
  • Getting vagina.
  • Accepting lot in life (first film).
  • Brooding about lot in life (second film – see the difference, Vanilla Ice?).
  • Best way to fuck up mean trucker’s stupid mean truck.
  • Connecting with long-lost Krypto-daddy.
  • Forgetting he existed in sequel.
  • Ghost dad who gives crappy lectures in the cold.
  • Boss wont let him report on “The Bat.”
  • Fake resume to score job as reporter Handled by Lois – I guess? Perry can’t know, right? The whole dynamic’s gotta change when you realize you’re a god’s boss. Man, he’s a bad newspaper editor.
  • Weird Joker-ish guy named Lex Luthor.
  • Vagina again (dude took a minute to kiss Lois after decimating what was left of Krypton, the home world he claimed he was so curious to learn about – Supes gotta smash, y’know?).
  • General Zod Broke that chump’s neck.
  • Leaving parties in the middle of them to go save people who are just going to awkwardly reach their arms out for him like he’s Jesus.
  • People thinking he’s Jesus, even though he takes every chance he can to remind people of Jesus. We get it! Being Superman is a fucking burden. There’s no reason to strike a pose like Jesus on the cross. WE. GET. IT. Humans suck and you’re going to die way too early for us. Blame Warner Brothers, bro. Nobody was asking for Doomsday.
  • UGH! With Superman coming back to life, I only just now realized how much Jesus shit is going to be crammed into Justice League.
  • Mom has same name as Batman’s  Phew! That was a close one. Thank God Lois showed up.
  • General Zod again, this time he’s been mutated into a giant monster. He has to get that Kryptonite spear. If only he had a more than capable woman of wonder he could give it to. Without one, he’ll have to be as dumb as his dumb fucking dad and sacrifice his life for no good reason, other than to manufacture melodrama.

Did I miss anything? Feel free to let me know.

FEATURED IMAGE CREDIT: Warner Brothers.

Joseph Finnegan
finnegan.joseph@yahoo.com