Team WCW is still on hiatus, but allow me to catch you up on what’s going on with Nitro: “Lex Luger sucks and should die,” “Luger’s shirt game comes from the 17th century,” “OMG! PEPE! LOOK AT THE DOG!”
JOEY: I’m not one for mentioning the competition, but damn, Jerry’s bringing heat right from the tip. I can dig it.
Now that that’s over with, let’s get to the best show in all the lands – RAW! We’re already through the January 1996 episodes and that means we’re that much closer to all those episodes that are straight up LIT AF.
There’s only one action of a graphic nature I care about when it relates to Sunny.
JOEY: Gotta say, I’m glad we left it at that. Don’t need anymore flashes of that disaster of a sex tape.
RAW opens up with a quick recap of the 1996 Royal Rumble. Shawn Michaels wins the titular match and secures the Number One Contender’s Spot at WrestleMania. Goldust captures the Intercontinental Championship from Razor Ramon.
Savio Vega is already in the ring, awaiting his opponent. James E. Cornette comes out to a chorus of BOOs so loud, you’d swear he just beat Dean Ambrose at Fastlane.
JOEY: Why you gotta do that? Now I’m angry all over again. Fastlane 2016 was, to put it simply, a fucking dumpster fire.
Cornette says that he has the answer to the most important question of all time: “What time is it?”
JOEY: Sick reference in that caption Jerry, everyone knows your reference game is on point.
Vader comes out PISSED AF because he lost in his WWF debut at the Royal Rumble, and he’s going to take it out on Vega. Vader beats Savio down in the corner, but Savio is able to duck out of the way of a big corner splash. Vega connects with a side kick that sends Vader to the floor, but he lands on his feet.
JOEY: I used my last addition for a joke. Can we take a second now to appreciate how much of a monster Vader truly is. Look at that picture above. If that guy came at me with malice at heart, I don’t even know. In the words of Harrison Ford, I guess all I’d really be able to do is “shit and die.”
Vega gets tripped and dragged to the outside. Vader drops him throat first against the guard rail and tosses Savio back inside. Vega gets whipped hard into the corner, and this time Vader’s splash connects. After that, The Man They Call Vader comes crashing down on Savio with the dreaded Vader Bomb.
Not content with just the victory, Vader decides he wants to send a message to the WWF locker room, and attacks the fallen Vega. The referee tries to stop the attack but he catches a headbutt from the monster. Another official comes out in a futile attempt to stop the attack, and he finds himself on the business end of a power bomb.
Seeing enough of the WWF zebras getting attacked, President Monsoon finally comes out to ask Vader “Oh will you stop?” That doesn’t go to well for him, so he proceeds to chop Vader right in the chest.
JOEY: My hype levels rose so high when I realized what was about to happen. I forgot all about this segment. It was genuinely terrifying when I was younger. Vader’s gonna murder Gorilla.
JOEY: There it is.
Shawn Michaels and Razor Ramon run out from the locker room and run Vader off into the back. Before moving on from this; let’s just take the time to appreciate that this one of the first, if not THE first instance of a wrestler attacking WWF officials on a televised program.
JOEY: Seriously, that’s why I got as hyped as I did. This was and still is a great moment.
Our next match is a real treat:
Hunter Hearst Helmsley is accompanied to the ring by a new valet, and King has the scoop on who she is.
Shae Marks! Unfortunately, that is her a real name and not a sly way of sneaking in insider terms. She’s also a Playboy Playmate. The match opens with Helmsley displaying his wrestling prowess, but Razor is able to counteract the technical know how with some good ol’ fashion haymakers.
Razor begins to target Helmsley’s arm. His control over the pace of the match doesn’t last long, as Hunter is able to dump Ramon over the top rope, right before a commercial break. Coming back from the interruption, Hunter hits a baseball slide dropkick to Ramon, still on the outside. With Ramon on the apron, Hunter looks to suplex him back inside the ring, but Razor blocks it.
The Bad Guy then attempts to suplex The Connecticut Blue Blood to the outside! Luckily for Hunter, he is able to block that as well. Helmsley is able to get the advantage and lifts the former Intercontinental Champion into the air. Instead of slamming him to the mat, Hunter crotches Ramon on the top rope.
We get treated to possibly the best pre-tape promo ever:
The 1-2-3 Kid and DiBiase say that Ramon is nothing more than a big crybaby, and a big crybaby needs a big bottle and his big diaper changed! The fact they’re using props that look like they came from Whose Line Is It Anyway? make it all the more better.
JOEY: I seriously thought this rivalry was over. I don’t know why. Maybe it was wishful thinking. Either way, totally hyped I get to sit through more Razor vs. 1-2-3 Kid (ICYMI: I’m clearly kidding).
Back to the action in the ring, Helmsley connects with a pair of HARD Irish Whips into the turnbuckles. Hunter connects with a clothesline in the corner and follows it up with a brutal beat down. At this point, The 1-2-3 Kid comes out.
Razor has taken all he can, and proceeds to chase the Kid around the ring. His seething rage has blinded Ramon to the fact that he’s still in a match. Before he realizes it, Razor has been counted out and the match is awarded to Hunter Hearst Helmsley.
JOEY: Time to get to the war room.
The final edition of “Billionaire Ted’s Wrasslin’ War Room” airs, and we get promised that “Billionaire Ted” will be at the next edition of RAW! You may have noticed at the end of that clip, The RAW Band was there playing some live jams.
What you didn’t notice was DOK HENDRIX rockin’ the FUCK OUT!
Up next, the 1996 Royal Rumble winner Shawn Michaels comes out to be interviewed by Vince McMahon. Michaels says that before he can get to WrestleMania and his WWF Championship match, he has some unfinished business to tend to. Shawn says that there is someone running around the WWF saying that he is responsible for taking Michaels out of action. Shawn assures his fans, The Kliq, that he was taken out by nine thugs in Syracuse.
JOEY: I believe you, Shawn, don’t worry. I believe you! Nine, ten, sixteen, whatever the number, I know those “thugs” were real, and totally not Marines who may or may not have been giving you a beating you most likely earned. We all know how much of a nightmare 90s HBK was.
He then challenges Owen Hart to a match.
Unfortunately, the mere mention of Owen’s name sends out his manager, James E. Cornette. Cornette says that since he’s the one signing Hart’s contracts, there won’t be any match. He further elaborates that Michaels doesn’t have anything they want.
Michaels says he’ll pay him personally, that he’d do anything to get this match. Cornette wants his WrestleMania title shot.
Michaels says that he’s worked way too hard to earn his shot at the title to squander it on the match with Owen. Cornette replies in typical Cornette fashion.
Eventually, Michaels agrees to put his Number One Contender’s spot on the line against “The King of Harts” Owen Hart.
It’s time for the main event: The WWF Champion v. The WWF Intercontinental Champion:
Goldust starts the match in control over Bret Hart. His bizarre antics allows him inside the head of the WWF Champion. Though his control over the “Excellence of Execution” is short lived, as Bret is able to send Goldust to the outside.
Coming back from a commercial break, Goldust is back in the ring and back in control of the match. “The Bizarre One” attempts a Figure Four, but gets pushed off and sent outside again by Hart. Consulting with Marlena, his director, they decide to head for higher ground.
Ramon comes from the back and sends Goldust back into the ring before he can get counted out. Hart connects with a leg drop as the next commercial break comes in. Coming back from the final interruption, Hart connects with a clothesline from the middle rope. Goldust’s back gets a hard introduction to the mat thanks to a Russian Leg Sweep from “The Best There Is, The Best There Was, The Best There Ever Will Be.”
Which can only be the prelude to one thing.
After the match, Bret challenges Diesel to a Steel Cage Match.
Got to give a props to two CERTIFIED BANGER Fan Signs this week:
Not only does this guy drop Shawn Michael’s real name, but it does so using some pretty dope ass vocabulary. Congrats Nerd, you’re also a huge MARCUS
That’ll do it for this edition of the Monday NERDO War, see you all next week.
THE FOLLOWING ANNOUNCEMENT HAS BEEN PAID FOR BY TEAM WCW
As you saw in the beginning, Team WCW, Fre and Carlos, are still on hiatus. They’ll be back before you know it!