Welcome to another week of the Monday Nerdo War! Carlos and Fre of the Tiger Driver ’91 podcast bring you all the fire you need this week in wrestling.
Carlos: Damn, Pepe coming in hot with that Tito Santana/Steve Martin in Three Amigos cosplay.
Fredo: That is definitely Steve Martin in Three Amigos. Look at his schnozz.
Carlos: Oh shit, this was the night Medusa dropped the WWF Women’s Championship in the trash. This was supposed to be the first big shot in the Monday Night War. In retrospect, the WCW women’s division was almost non-existent. Aside from like four Japanese women. DID WCW EVEN HAVE A WOMEN’S TITLE?
Fredo: Nah. WCW paid her a lot of money to eventually be a dolled up bimbo.
Carlos: The Fridge is out there now. Mongo called him up there to keep people away from the announce booth. His sweater game is hypnotic.
Fredo: I really wish Pepe would have hired him to murder Mongo instead.
Match 1: “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair vs Eddie Guerrero
Carlos: Mmmmmm I am hyped for this match.
Fredo: Natch’ looking like a weird trippy butterfly.
Carlos: Eddie getting that already-in-the-ring treatment again. At least it’s for Ric Flair.
Fredo: This marks the first time in Nitro history it’s ever KIND OF made sense.
Carlos: So, Fre, how soon before you find one of those nightmare Sting masks to wear when you fuck?
Fredo: I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to bust a nut until I can fuck with that mask on now.
Carlos: The dirtiest player in the game comes in hot, but Guerrero uses his speed to avoid giving Flair the upper hand on the mat.
Carlos: Eddie shows Flair how that Latino flavor struts all over the white man.
Fredo: Flair suddenly remembers why he hates Mexicans.
Carlos: That didn’t last too long. Flair gets the upper hand and shaves Eddie’s mustache off with that textbook knee drop.
Fredo: Note that he didn’t actually shave off Eddie’s mustache or he’d be dead. For it is the source of his strength, and life force. The end all and be all of this universe. We are the mustache.
Carlos: Man, Flair straight lights Eddie up in the corner with chops.
Fredo: I’m sure Eddie will do some lighting up of his own after the match to numb the pain.
Carlos: Beautiful move by Guerrero! I loved hearing Flair explain that Bischoff was irate he gave Guerrero so much offense. They spent so much time on commentary putting Eddie over, but behind the scenes it was a different story. I’m glad these guys went out there and made it competitive.
Fredo: I always loved how Flair never had a problem putting people over and helping younger talent he believed in. It reminds of that story he tells where Savage wanted to beat HHH in one minute on his way out and Ric was like “nah.” Coincidentally both those dudes are former and current world champions and certified legends.
Carlos: Flair knocked Eddie off the top and works on that knee on the floor! Damn, Eddie ate the railing, too.
Fredo: I hope it tasted like booze.
Carlos: Flair locks in that figure four and Eddie eventually passes out. Two hall of famers opening the show with some fire. Suck it, Bischoff.
Fredo: Didn’t even have Eddie tap. Pretty awesome of Flair. Nigga knows who to put over.
Carlos: Arn is out there, continuing to show off his phenomenal shirt game. He talks about how the Horsemen are on a roll and will continue to take out anyone in their way.
Fredo: I can only hope my dad shirt game is nearly as on point as Arn’s.
Carlos: Sullivan comes out, talks about how he respects the Horsemen. He tells them to put Pillman on a short leash, cause he’s been calling out his Dungeon. Arn tells Sullivan to chill the fuck out, cause the Horsemen ride together. He’s gonna push my dudes shit in.
Fredo: People getting a little too bold with the Horsemen lately. Is Arn gonna have to break a bitch’s neck?
Carlos: Craig “Pitbull” Pittman out there. The Refrigerator Perry already fucking up his new job. He’s asking Heenan to manage him all the way to the WCW Championship. HAH. HAHAHA. HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA FUCK. Heenan said “nah.”
Fredo: Props to Pitbull for the funniest segment on Nitro.
Match 2: “The Total Package” Lex Luger vs Marcus Alexander Bagwell
Carlos: Fuck you.
Fredo: FUCK YOU.
Carlos: It says…Flex with Lex…on that kid’s face. It says Lex over his mouth. Lex Luger is all up on that kids mouth. Man, what the fuck.
Fredo: Gonna assume that’s not the first time Luger has been up on a young boy’s mouf.
Carlos: My dude MARKUS.
Fredo: A young Jerry Mascolo.
Carlos: After some awkward moves from Luger, Bagwell hits him with a monkey flip. What an odd choice of move.
Fredo: I’m just shocked that Luger didn’t make it look like shit. Dude could barely take a hip toss without fucking it up.
Carlos: Luger straight eats shit on the floor. Scares the crap out of a little girl when he nailed the railing.
Fredo: I would have been stoked if that little girl pulled out a shiv and stuck Luger. You know, out of fear. Or becauee fuck Luger.
Carlos: Riggs is out there to support his brother in the male prostitution game but it doesn’t help.
Fredo: Probably just telling Bagwell to wrap it up because they have overweight trailer trash to bang.
Carlos: Luger picks up the win. Fat women that pay for sex weep in unison.
Fredo: Then immediately eat their feelings via 3 five dollar foot longs.
Carlos: Yeah, I totally needed more Luger. PLEASE, GET THE FUCK OUTTA THE TITLE PICTURE. YOU DON’T NEED TO BE ON STARRCADE. FUCK.
Fredo: If he doesn’t take the fall in that match, fuck WCW.
Carlos: That Saturday Night card just took me on an emotional journey. Kim still looking ridiculous in that picture.
Fredo: FUCK I CANT EVEN WATCH SATURDAY NIGHT WITHOUT LUGER ON MY TV.
Match 3: Earl Robert Eaton vs Sting
Carlos: YES. Bobby Eaton you f’n jabrons.
Fredo: Bow to the Earl, marks. You ain’t got any fine fucking sirs on RAW.
Carlos: Sting looking almost too hyped.
Fredo: SHUT THE FUCK UP CORAL I’M HYPED AS FUCK!
Carlos: That’s right, tap! TAP, STING. TAP TO THE GOD DAMN EARL.
Fredo: I wouldn’t be mad. It’s an honor to lose to Bobby of Eaton.
Carlos: Sting gets the upper hand and lets everyone know that monkey flips are where it’s at tonight.
Fredo: Gonna assume that they agreed to work a whole show around the monkey flip tonight.
Carlos: YEAH. SHOW THAT JABRON HOW YOU GET THE JOB DONE. BEAUTIFUL BOBBY FOREVER. FIGHT ME.
Fredo: No, Sting, noooo… 🙁
Carlos: JESUS. Sting hip tossed the shit outta Eaton but then got caught with a backbreaker that’d make Roderick Strong blush.
Fredo: Damn. Sting got back broken so hard that Lex Luger became a paraplegic years later.
Carlos: NOOOO. BEAUTIFUL BOBBY NOOOOOOO.
Fredo: Sting forever. I love you Bobby, but you need to get that blue blood shit out of my face right now and let Sting speak.
Carlos: Sting is ready for Starrcade and looking to be champ again. It should’ve been Eaton.
Fredo: Gonna not disagree with that at all.
Main Event: The Giant vs “Macho Man” Randy Savage (WCW World Heavyweight Championship)
Carlos: That production completely shits on WWF right now.
Fredo: The evil green lighting vs. the very macho color purple. I’m in.
Carlos: Macho Man went in with the sleeper. Did not end well.
Fredo: Should have slipped a couple of Somas in his mouth. Luger definitely has some in his bag.
Carlos: A GIANT kick to the dick. Right? Right? Yeah.
Carlos: Giant tries to squeeze the life outta Macho Man.
Fredo: Macho looks like Giant just came back from the war and he’s happy AF to see him.
Carlos: YEAH, TAKE THEM EYES.
Fredo: Savage thinking there’s cocaine in there for some reason.
Carlos: The fight spills to the outside, but The Giant keeps the advantage. He throws Macho Man around like an infant.
Carlos: WOW. I wonder if this is the night Arn almost had a heart attack seeing The Giant go off the top. Told him to immediately slow it the fuck down.
Fredo: Giant very inspired by the early cruiserweight division.
Carlos: Not even a one count! Making sure Giant looks strong AF.
Carlos: Another move that probably got Double A heated: a very awkward looking dropkick.
Fredo: This is like when you create a wrestler in 2K and make him huge but give him cruiserweight movesets. Hilarious.
Carlos: That was actually a pretty cool spot. Giant went to suplex Savage on the concrete but he held on to the ropes and Giant hit the ground hard. No sold the fuck outta that, though.
Fredo: Giant probably contemplating an asai moonsault now.
Carlos: GOD DAMN. He chokeslammed the shit outta Savage, AND hit em with a leg drop. Rubbing Hogan’s nose in shit. I have a feeling Hulkamania is about to run wild.
Carlos: HAHAHAHAHA HOGAN JUST RAILED EVERYONE WITH A FUCKING CHAIR. EVEN THAT NWO REFEREE NICK PATRICK. YES.
Fredo: He knows Nick is a snake. Even now. He’ll be an excellent recruit.
Carlos: Hogan is on a rampage and he has Macho Man’s back. Macho Man says that after Starrcade, it’s time to give the people the match they want: HOGAN VS SAVAGE. See you all next week!