A blizzard has come and gone, but the one constant you can count on is another riveting installment of the Nitro review brought to you by OG TD91. This edition is coming red hot from Horseman country in Charlotte, NC. Let’s get it going!
Fredo: Hyped that Pepe is straight up hellbent for leather. Except for all the parts where he’d suck dick I guess.
Carlos: If Pepe sucked a dick it’d be for his pleasure. He’d bite it off the dude and spit it in his face after. Pepe ain’t gay. He’s a sexual deviant.
Fredo: The hell? A bell rang inside the ring. Did they just already-in-the-ring both competitors?
Match #1: Mr. JL vs Eddie Guerrero
Fredo: Yes, yes they did. Nitro has some really odd choices and timing for doing this to people.
Carlos: O WORD? WHO ARE YOU TO ALREADY-IN-THE-RING A LEGEND LIKE MR. JL?
Fredo: Right off the bat, Eddie does a beautiful moonsault over JL and hits him with a text book tilt-a-whirl back breaker. Everything is so crisp and natural from Eddie. Why couldn’t they have taken Maven instead?
Carlos: Bummed they didn’t let Jerry Lynn just do his thing in WCW. This Mr. JL deal was…man, I don’t even know. No one cared. I still don’t even know what the fuck Mr. JL was? A Businessman from the future? A hitman that loved Prince’s color choices? Man, I don’t know.
Fredo: VINTAGE Eddie with the senton on JL. So far, Eddie is dominating this match.
Carlos: Did anyone have a more beautiful senton? Besides that hardbody Jap that murdered Cheeseburger in the WK10 battle royal.
Fredo: JL finally mounting some offense with a beautiful arm drag on Eddie and eventually catching him with a whirling head-scissor take-down. Jerry Lynn is just another dude in a long line of people WCW could have really done something with.
Carlos: WWE didn’t do shit with him either. Their light heavyweight division was hot caca. They had such great talent, too. Like…Grandmaster Sexay.
Fredo: Eddie has some serious hang-time with JL’s arm before he comes down with the arm drag. That was ridiculously impressive.
Carlos: Got Pee Wee so hyped he’s about to pop Mr. JL in the mush.
Fredo: JL eventually counters and places Eddie on the top turnbuckle before springing off the second rope and drop kicking Guerrero to the outside. These guys are putting on a show and I bet this doesn’t last another 2 minutes.
Carlos: Front row mom looking to catch that chimichanga in her mouth.
Fredo: JL slams Eddie down with the somersault dive from the apron to the floor. Gonna make sure they steal this entire show in five minutes.
Carlos: Bummed they haven’t cut to the back mid-match so Hogan can shit talk The Giant. Again. What the people desire.
Fredo: JL maintains control inside the ring with a vertical suplex.
Carlos: Now I kinda just wanna watch that RVD/Lynn series from ECW. A lot of pain, usually for Jerry Lynn.
Fredo: After a series of exchanges and near falls, Eddie finally scores the quick pin! Great match between these two. Should have given them 15 minutes to blow my fucking mind.
Carlos: These guys only need 5 minutes to completely shit on everything going on over at Raw.
Fredo: Mean Gene is out with Jimmy Hart and Lex. They’re plugging the triangle match for the world title where the winner between Sting, Luger, and Flair will face Savage for the title. Luger cuts an awful promo teasing that Sting and him are in cahoots. I don’t have much to say other than I wish someone would put a pin in Luger’s bicep and deflate this fucking jabroni.
Carlos: WHY DOES LUGER KEEP GETTING SHOTS AT THE TITLE? THEY FUCKING TURNED HIM HEEL CAUSE NO ONE CARES. I DON’T GET IT.
Fredo: Man, I didn’t even think Mr. Wonderful was still an active wrestler at this point.
Carlos: The battle of the banger themes.
Match #2: Disco Inferno vs “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff
Fredo: Hyped on Disco Inferno as usual. Dude has all the moms in the crowd wetAF.
Fredo: Man, I am seriously hyped on this. I haven’t heard this theme song in so long. Getting people heated before he even hits the ring. His mirror game is so tight.
Carlos: The hair game in that ring is untouchable.
Fredo: FUCK, I neeed to find that mirror somewhere. WWESHOP should start busting these out. I’ll buy them all.
Carlos: I don’t give a shit about your new AJ Styles and A Double shirts. I need that hashtag 1derful mirror: STAT.
Fredo: Disco opens up stomping Orndorff in the corner and is pretty relentless with his attack after. He’s definitely heated that Wonderful’s entrance game was so much tighter. But he’s a veteran, ya know?
Carlos: Kinda surprised by the whoopin’ Disco is putting on Orndorff.
Fredo: Paul finally gets back in the game with a back elbow followed up by a Manhattan drop and a vicious knee drop. The crowd is chanting Paula at him. That crowd better shut the fuck up. Marks.
Carlos: They better slow down before Orndorff rails every single one of their mothers, looking at his own reflection the entire time. Orndorff a freak.
Fredo: JESUS, HE JUST DUMPED DISCO ON HIS HEAD. I know for a fact his finish is a piledriver. I hope Disco got heat backstage and Orndorff just collected dues.
Carlos: Orndorff getting ready for his trip to Japan.
Fredo: Gene is out with the 4 Horsemen minus Chris Benoit. I guess they ran out of shirts for Pillman. Fuck it.
Carlos: I guess as long as you kinda dress like a cowboy it’s cool. I really want that shirt.
Fredo: Man, Pillman is definitely lit on all sorts of fucking drugs and booze. He is cutting a nonsensical promo accusing Mongo of being a closet fag. I’m ok with all of this. Pillman also calls out Orndorff for no longer being a bad motherfucker like he used to be. I remember where this is going.
Carlos: Someone get a giant pencil out there and kick this promo up to 11.
Fredo: Paul is out to give Pillman the business and teach this punk some respect. Nigga headlined Wrestlemania 1.
Carlos: DID PILLMAN NOT SEE ORNDORFF’S MIRROR GAME?
Fredo: Damn, Pillman slaps Orndorff and now we’ve got a huge brawl on the floor. This will not end well for Paul.
Carlos: I guess this is an Orndorff face turn? Why?
Fredo: The Horseman use Orndorff’s own move on him as they spike piledrive him on the cement floor. This is where they kayfabe break his neck but I think he’s pretty much done after this anyway. Remember if he had an actual nagging neck injury, Coral?
Carlos: I remember Orndorff came back years later and one of his arms was like atrophied. He got hurt giving someone a piledriver on Thunder, maybe? It was random as hell. By like ’99/2000 WCW’s roster was really confusing.
Fredo: Looks like my grandpa dying in a hospital bed. There’s your daily dose of darkness. Now it’s time for the Saturday Night preview.
Carlos: If Mr. Wonderful hates the jews then I can confirm this is a lot like Fredo’s grandpa. OH SHIT, THE WCW SATURDAY NIGHT CARD. THIS ONE’S FOR YOU, ABUELO FREDO. GOD BLESS YOU AND MEL GIBSON.
Fredo: BUNKHOUSE BUCK IN ACTION, DADDY.
Carlos: Dr. Kim Medecine Woman outfit still bugging me.
Match #3: Lex Luger vs “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan
Fredo: Lex Luger’s music is playing in the background but I’d honestly rather watch them slowly load Wonderful onto a stretcher.
Carlos: Luger’s theme fits this visual because it’s exactly how I feel when I hear it. The theme is tight AF, but I know who it’s attached to.
Fredo: I’m only posting this pic to display how on point Jimmy Hart’s outfit is. That bow tie game is so on point that I can cut my finger on the fucking edge.
Fredo: Duggan coming out. Not quite a garbage man yet, but he’s close.
Carlos: We need to start reviewing WCW Saturday Nights just so we can cover his TV Title run that started when he found the title in the garbage.
Fredo: I’m going to go ahead and say that not even Duggan’s mother would love that fucking face. Jesus.
Carlos: I just wanna drive on the Jersey Turnpike with him and Sheik. See how it plays out.
Fredo: Damn, Duggan attacking Luger right off the tip. HeelAF, but no one cares cuz fuck Luger.
Fredo: Hacksaw blocks a turnbuckle headbutt and hits us with his signature move: walking around with his thumb up, yelling HOOOOO, and if you read between the lines, telling marks to suck it.
Carlos: Remember when Yoko legit murdered him on WWF television? Dude was coughing up blood and shit after like 3 Banzai Drops. Pretty sure he legit died that day.
Fredo: This is the perfect match to cut away to something completely unrelated.
Carlos: They are milking the fuck outta this.
Fredo: Luger takes a really ugly looking hip toss and gets rekkt by a clothesline. Hoping that hip toss somehow is the reason he’s practically crippled today.
Carlos: Flair recently mentioned going an hour with Duggan. I can’t see how that was even possible. I can’t think of a singles match Duggan was in that went ten minutes.
Fredo: Duggan has the tape out like he’s gonna choke Luger. I vaguely remember him doing this often back then. I don’t really get why he was heeling it up as a babyface but I accept it anyway.
Carlos: He’s been lost ever since Yokozuna crushed the soul out of that old husk of a man.
Fredo: Jimmy Hart distracts Duggan and Luger locks in that torture rack. I’ll give it to Luger…he lifted Hacksaw with ease and he is a big boy. Other than that, suck it.
Carlos: Definitely suck it.
Fredo: Gene is outside going over Randy’s match itinerary for the next week. Apparently aside from facing the winner of the triangle match, he’s facing Tenzan at Starrcade. Damn, I need to go back and watch this Starrcade real quick.
Carlos: I recently watched that entire event. Gotta say that match left me kinda disappointed. The earlier matches on the card had some bangers, though.
Fredo: Apparently he is not concerned with Flair, Luger, or Sting at Starrcade, but the Giant next week. Word, Randy. Keep doing that fucking blow.
Match #4: Sting and Hulk Hogan vs Ric Flair and Arn Anderson
Fredo: Flair’s robe game is tight as always. Arn holding it down with the dad jacket.
Carlos: Psyched Arn Anderson joined the Green Lantern Corp.
Fredo: FUCK I NEED TO FIND THAT JACKET. I assume that will keep me warm through the coldest winters.
Carlos: Arn reminding people that his jacket game is ridiculous.
Fredo: Sting’s music is playing, but let’s hit you with some Sting fans who get it. Should have let little Fre join your squad with his dick out. Don’t know why, but I figured you’d know we mean business.
Carlos: Psyched on you whipping out your baby dick for Sting.
Fredo: Stinger is out by his lonesome. Where the fuck is Hogan?
Carlos: Sting’s skin looks like a Dominican washboard.
Fredo: Hogan looks confused as to why Sting came out before him. I know why. Sting has the most fucking banger theme song, but if you come out with Hogan, you have to come out to his music. Sting don’t fucking play. Sting don’t disappoint little Fre.
Carlos: Little Fre ain’t about to put that dick away.
Fredo: Looks like everything is cool as Hogan throws his shirt at the Horsemen. Totally fine.
Carlos: That shirt bodyslammed Andre the Giant you fucking mark.
Fredo: Sting and Arn lock up. Is that a hole in Sting’s tights? Gonna assume it is. So close to his dong.
Carlos: Stick your little baby D in there and scratch his taint.
Fredo: Damn, Arn out-wrestles Stinger and fireman carries Sting into his back. Arn looks stoked.
Carlos: Arn Anderson is Fire Ant: Confirmed.
Fredo: Sting eventually catches Arn in a gorilla press slam. Makes it look so easy too. Sting savageAF.
Carlos: Arn and Flair have no problem making people look like a million bucks. Also have no problem murdering Paul Orndorff.
Fredo: Hogan and Flair tag in now. Hogan does what he does best and no sells Flair’s chops. Not even shit talking it, he made a career on looking unstoppable. Fuck ya marks.
Carlos: Hogan looks like a grandma without her teeth in that picture. It’s really fucking with me right now. I can’t stop looking at it.
Fredo: Flair felt like showing us a few of his go-to spots here. Taking a weird looking back body drop, then doing the turnbuckle flip and running into an arm clap from Sting. Damn, Coral, maybe Flair wasn’t joking when he said his offense was like 3 moves.
Carlos: Do you really need more than, like, 5?
Fredo: While Hogan is distracted, Arn comes in to do some damage and is very proud of himself again. Look at his face in that last picture. Like a stranger just offered him candy, but he doesn’t realize he has to pay in rape.
Carlos: I need to get in Arn Anderson shape. Muscles covered in Bud Light.
Fredo: Horsemen take the advantage again briefly, but check out how heelAF Arn is. Grabbing his tights to hold him in the corner. Man, I miss shit like this.
Carlos: I can’t remember the last time a heel tag team did subtle shit like this. Either this is some smart heel work, or Arn wanted a peek a dat ass.
Fredo: Sting eventually makes his way into the match and hits Flair with a gorilla press slam. Still fucked up how easy Sting makes it look considering he’s not really a huge huge dude. Except dat dick I assume.
Carlos: Imagine this Sting against Seth Rollins? Sting would’ve thrown him around like a cross fit bitch.
Fredo: Flair and Sting demonstrating a little chain wrestling real quick to keep it fucking G.
Fredo: After a little distraction, Arn comes in and saves Flair from a Deathlock with a sick DDT. Still made it look better than anyone if you ask me.
Carlos: Double A murdered people with that DDT.
Fredo: The fuck is Luger doing out here again? Why must he haunt my Nitros for more than 2 minutes? He’s causing a distraction outside while racking the fuck outta Hogan. Now the Horsemen are beating down Sting. FUCK YOU LUGER.
Carlos: ………………FUCK. WHY?
Fredo: The Horsemen really work over Sting’s knee and Flair finally locks on a figure four. Sting, being brolick as fuck, drags Flair with him back to his corner, still locked in the FF. Arn eventually interjects and makes the save and the ref never sees the tag!
Carlos: Glad Hogan is completely unfazed by the random Torture Rack he just took.
Fredo: Sting eventually comes back, telling Flair “nah” when he chops and forearms Stinger. Sting hits him with another vintage Flair move of taking a press slam off the top rope. Cuz you know, it works out so often.
Carlos: Flair only connects with top rope moves when he dupes Sting into believing he’s a good guy. Dumb AF Sting.
Fredo: Just as Stinger is nearing Hogan, Arn cuts him off again and gets nailed with a diving bulldog for his troubles.
Fredo: Sting finally falls into his corner for a half-hearted tag! In comes Hogan!
Carlos: The crowd goes mild.
Fredo: Another picture perfect spinebuster from Arn, but Hogan is also like NAH.
Carlos: I loved this shit when I was a kid. Right now, no selling that work of art got me a little heated.
Fredo: Hogan nails the BIG BOOT LEG DROP and Sting nails the splash on Flair as they take the win!
Fredo: Pillman is in attacking Sting! Luger AGAIN FUCK YOU runs out to save Sting but allows them to beat Hogan down. What’s happening?!
Carlos: FUCK YOU STEALER OF MY FRIEND.
Fredo: Eventually Sting runs past Luger and saves Hogan. Luger leaves pissed as hell.
Fredo: Savage is in and in Sting’s face. Sting decks him because he is hard body as fuck and no one gets in his face.
Carlos: Cocaine on the brain Sting goin’ insane.
Fredo: The three guys finally decide to talk. You know, something that should have happened long ago. They put their differences aside until the next time they forget they talked and are at each other’s throats again. We’ll be back next week with the Starrcade fallout!