Monday Nerdo War – WCW Monday Nitro – 12/04/95

We are back for another installment of the Monday Nerdo War! Fredo and Carlos of the Tiger Driver ’91 podcast review another fire episode of WCW Monday Nitro. It’s December 4th, 1995 in Phoenix, Arizona and it’s about to pop off. Let’s get it started!

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Bummer. Mongo is still alive.

Carlos: Before we even get into Flair, Hogan and Giant being on “probation,” or Luger going against Savage for the title tonight, or the triangle match between Flair, Sting and Luger for a shot at the title at Starrcade, I NEED TO ADDRESS THE RANDOM FUCKING POTATO CHIP BAG WITH A RACCOON TAIL STICKING OUT OF IT THAT WIGGLES EVERY TIME THE CAMERA IS ON THE ANNOUNCE TEAM. Brain said he brought them for Pepe. Weasel Wafers. He called them…Weasel Wafers.

Fredo: I can’t be hyped enough that Brain is bringing live game for Pepe to straight up hunt during Nitro.

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“fooled god into thinking im gud. fckin jabroni im a bad bitch.” -Pepe

Carlos: Pepe don’t got time for any of these dudes shit, cause he’s angelic AF. This is probably what he looks like right now in heaven. 🙁

Fredo: He’s beautiful. I don’t know if god is real, but I do know that angelicAF Pepe probably does or should rule heaven with an iron fist.

Match 1: Harlem Heat (WCW Tag Team Champions) vs The American Males

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American Males fresh off their victory over slaying wealthy, fat, lonely vagina for money.

Carlos: Beautiful. Will the American Males pull out another upset on the brothas from Harlem whom are heated? I dunno. But I do know 9 year old Carlito was hyped when these two male escorts strutted their way down to the ring.

Fredo: Never has a 9 year old boy felt the hype in his loins for two fine-ass men.

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By the time Parker gets through with her, this Oreo will be extra creamy.

Carlos: It’s like an Oreo. That’s not racist because Oreos are delicious.

Fredo: Also, there’s “sister” in Sherri’s name. They’ve accepted her as one of their own.

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Carlos: Harlem Heat wastes absolutely no time and Stevie Ray starts a clubberin’ poor Riggs.

Fredo: Clubberin’, as defined by Dusty Rhodes, is technically four hands on one body, but I’ll allow this to slide.

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Carlos: Riggs uses that speed and nails Stevie Ray with a dropkick. One of many dropkicks Riggs is gonna throw out in this match.

Fredo: Well, you know what they say: “if you throw a dropkick well, fuck Lex Luger.” That’s a direct quote from someone at some point.

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Nick Patrick is impressed AF

Carlos: Riggs nails Stevie Ray with a flying forearm! GET HYPED.

Fredo: Damn, bummed he dropped the dropkick game even temporarily.

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Carlos: My dude MARCUS launches himself in the ring for a shoulder block. The white man most certainly keeping Stevie Ray down right now.

Fredo: Our other dudes named Marcus at Team RAW are always trying to keep us down, but much like Stevie Ray, we will rise again. But we will never lead the nWo B-team. Never.

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Imma just keep watching Nick’s reactions instead of the match. Riveting shit.

Carlos: Booker T gets in there but he gets launched with a double back body drop. My man almost died. American Males showing off that strength they gained from holding up large women during paid sex.

Fredo: Strength and a skill set that Bagwell has maintained and groomed to this very day as he continues to have sex with vile women for money.

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Gonna guess there’s an expired condom and a shot of cheap tequila in that box.

Carlos: YES. FUCK THIS MATCH. RE-IGNITE THE MOST IMPORTANT STORYLINE IN WCW HISTORY. THE LOVE ANGLE BETWEEN COLONEL ROBERT PARKER AND SISTER SHERRI.

Fredo: Oh thank the gods above. Hyped that Parker always picks mid-match as the time he wants to get knuckle deep inside Sherri.

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Sherri can smell that cheap rubber and is aroused.

Carlos: What’s in the box? WHAT’S IN THE BOOOOX? Se7en, right? Right? Fuck you.

Fredo: The only head she’s going to find in this box is the colonel’s throbbing member.

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Didn’t even take a shot yet. Colonel definitely getting it in.

Carlos: Daaaaamn, shit just got hot AF on Nitro. My man bought her like a weird scarf and he’s about to get it in.

Fredo: Damn, the colonel’s fuck incentive game is tight tight tight.

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Carlos: Booker T decides to almost take Riggs’ head off because shit was going too good for the white man during this match.

Fredo: White people are absolutely disgusting so I’m ok with this. I mean read the RAW review. Gross, vile white people.

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Not gonna wait for the match to be over go get wet.

Carlos: The Colonel about to eat dat ass like a bucket of fried chicken.

Fredo: Oh, no doubt. There is no doubt in my mind, either, that Sherri definitely loves her salad tossed on the reg. She a fucking savage.

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Booker T feeling mad incomplete without Sherri “Creamy 4eva” Martel

Carlos: Booker T, after way too long, FINALLY notices what went down. Sherri unaware that once she went black, there really was no going back. Which means Tennessee lee’s dick game has to be reckless.

Fredo: It has to be. I hear his cock is actually shaped like the state of Tennessee which, in turn, is shaped like a broken razor blade. Hyped on him just cutting her insides when they bang.

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Carlos: YO. STEVIE RAY JUST BACKDROP DROVE RIGGS. JESUS.

Fredo: Stevie Ray trying to up his strong style game.

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Carlos: OH MY GOD. Booker T came in and hit a discus big boot right to Riggs’ face. Riggs is dead.

Fredo: Yo, he straight up kicked him in the face. Riggs gonna need that eye patch a year or two early.

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Carlos: Riggs shows some life and attempts a sunset flip. Or he’s trying to suck Booker’s dick for money. You know, living the gimmick.

Fredo: All evidence points to this being a wrestling match and him trying to beat Riggs, but I’m going to go ahead and ignore that and assume he’s trying to get some burnt sausage in his mouf.

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Carlos: Riggs finally snuck in a tag and MARCUS comes in dropping dudes left and right! MAYBE THE AMERICAN MALES CAN DO IT.

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Carlos: Nope. They can not. Bagwell got dropped on his ass by Stevie Ray and Booker T nailed him with a beautiful Harlem Hangover. Goodbye, American Males. May your tips be as large as your women.

Fredo: Honestly, I think he’d rather take that Hangover all day than go to work later that night.

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I’d say #friendshipgoals but I don’t wanna insult Coral. So let’s replace Luger with a chimp. Far less insulting.

Carlos: Sting and Luger are out to discuss their friendship and the possibility of facing each other in the triangle match for a shot at the championship. Unless Luger beats Macho Man for the title in the main event tonight. Luger is getting way too many chances at the World Championship for my liking.

Fredo: I don’t know what gets me more. The sheer number of opportunities Luger receives or STING REALLY STRESSING THAT HE AND LUGER ARE FRIENDS. I FUCKING GET IT, STING, JESUS CHRIST. I QUESTION YOUR FRIENDSHIP CHOICES.

Match 2: Sting vs Kurasawa

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That face you make when you just wanna do some blow but your match is next.

Carlos: Oh man, that was the best. Sting went to head to the back but realized his music was playing. He turned right back around and head for the ring.

Fredo: Definitely bummed he couldn’t go to the back real quick to get a quick lit in.

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Hyped to job.

Carlos: Poor Kurasawa, he’s just the Japanese import jabron on Nitro for now. This is gonna last until Yuji Nagata shows up and takes his place. Who is then replaced by Kaz Hayashi. Time is but a Jap circle.

Fredo: Just a flat circle of not being utilized and having really generic, Asian-sounding theme songs.

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FUCK ASIA

Carlos: Those children haven’t forgotten about Pearl Harbor.

Fredo: They’ll never forget what this Chinaman Kurasawa did to them.

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Carlos: Sting opens this match up with his ode to Scotty Riggs.

Fredo: One icon to another.

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Carlos: The fights spills to the outside and Kurasawa takes advantage. He really likes hitting Sting then yelling HAH HAH at the crowd.

Fredo: In his little Japanese mind, he thinks he’s doing exactly what American heels did to get over.

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Carlos: Oh shit, my man working on that arm. Do you think this is the beginning of the end for Sting, Fre?

Fredo: Relax, Marcus. Sting isn’t going to be a jabroni like Hawk and let Kurasawa break his arm. Sting ain’t even dead!

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Carlos: Kurasawa lays in some chops. Sting feels nothing. Just the cocaine that makes being friends with Luger tolerable.

Fredo: That same cocaine really forcing him to explain his friendship in great detail to the crowd like I’m watching fucking BARNEY AND FRIENDS.

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Carlos: VINTAGE STING. Catches ’em with that backhand. Kurasawa looks like he just watched footage of Hiroshima.

Fredo: I think he’d rather live through Hiroshima again than run that pain train with Sting. That’s right, baby. Sting getting snugAF.

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Carlos: Well, there’s that. A Stinger Splash/Scorpion Deathlock combo puts Kurasawa away sending him one step closer to obscurity.

Fredo: Little Fre is definitely hyped on this Sting win. Adult Fre is disappointed they didn’t go longer but fuck adult Fre

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The grand daddy of em all.

Carlos: Oooooh shit! This is the Starrcade that flew in a bunch of New Japan guys. I remember this! I need to watch this PPV immediately.

Carlos: The only thing more important is the WCW Saturday Night card preview!

Fredo: All of Japan takes a backseat to Saturday Night. Wrestling-related or not.

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Honestly, if you omit the WCW SATURDAY NIGHT text, you could fool me into thinking this is a bad porn.
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Afterlife battle
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Word.
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More afterlife limbo!

Carlos: Glad Hugh Morrus is back where he belongs. Also, why was a fine ass woman like Kimberly Paige dressed like a woman about to get saved in an Indiana Jones film? Someone get the Nitro Girls on deck.

Fredo: Yeah, I’m confused as to why Kimberly isn’t posing nude with DDP in every preview. That’s right, I still remember that photo shoot.

Match 3: Scott “Flash” Norton vs The Giant

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Earth 2 Mr. Finnegan

Carlos: It really freaks me out how much Norton looks like Team WWF member Joey’s dad. Fuck, I wish his dad was Scott Norton and not some regular jabron. I WANNA PARTY WITH YOU, SCOTT NORTON.

Fredo: If Mr. Finnegan was really that hard bodied, Joey would be on the winning team and not in the jabron WWF squad.

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Definitely a #squadgoal

Carlos: I like the mood lighting, I guess. Excited for this hoss showdown.

Fredo: Are you really? I’m far more hyped on the lighting than this match. Gonna go to IKEA and raid the lighting section.

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Carlos: DUDE. I have never seen Norton bounce off of someone like that. It’s like he legit hit a brick wall.

Fredo: That’s because you’re used to him throwing around little Japs like they’re babies. Now Norton is the baby Jap. Gonna rename him to Scott “BabyJap” Norton.

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Carlos: Picked em up like a baby. This is blowing my mind right now.

Fredo: BabyJap getting a run for his money here. Really weird to see him get manhandled.

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Carlos: Norton not to be outshined, lifts The Giant up to get his ass eaten like groceries.

Fredo: Jesus, the fact that that Norton can lift Giant that high even for an atomic drop is nuts. Norton just got his American nickname upgraded to BigBabyJap.

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Carlos: I feel like slamming The Giant’s head against the turnbuckle isn’t gonna do much.

Fredo: Maybe, but you nor I have that BigBabyJap strunff.

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Carlos: WOW. The Giant just caught Norton in mid-air and chokeslammed the SHIT outta him. RIP Scott Norton. Joey will miss you.

Fredo: Big ups to Norton for the agility on that one though. He made that look good.

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The recently knighted Charles Barkley.

Carlos: Sir. Fucking. Charles.

Fredo: Sir Charles really repping that middle aged dad shirt-tucked-in-to-jeans game hard. But I will fuck with Charles no matter what.

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The all-day lit Ric Flair.

Carlos: The amount of NBA and NFL talent that got work in WCW is astounding.

Fredo: How lit do you think Flair is here? I mean Charles Barkley is here. Also it’s Monday and he woke up today, so definitely prime time to get lit up.

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Carlos: Sir Charles tells the crowd they better respect Flair and actually gets booed! Yeeees. Heel ass Charles Barkley. Flair said he doesn’t care that he’s on probation, he knows he’s gonna win that triangle match at Starrcade. Barkley kisses a little crowd ass and gets cheered again. Flair says he wants to make Barkley a Four Horseman. He’d be way better than Paul Roma.

Fredo: Put Barkley in the Horsemen and that is immediately my favorite incarnation of the Horsemen.

Match 4: “The Total Package” Lex Luger vs “The Macho Man” Randy Savage (WCW World Heavyweight Champion)

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Wishing that Jimmy’s jacket could come to life and wrestle instead

Carlos: I fucking hate Lex Luger. But I can definitely support airbrush jacket Lex luger.

Fredo: Jimmy Hart could airbrush a straight up throbbing cock on his jacket and I’d be way in.

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Macho looking like he’s being sponsored by Four Loko.

Carlos: Yes. Look at that. It’s perfect.

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Carlos: Luger tries to extend a hand to savage but he says “nah” and starts going in.

Fredo: Savage not at all interested in befriending a straight up jabroni.

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Murder.

Carlos: Savage straight up trying to murder Luger. YEAH. FUCKING DO IT. YEAH. SAVE ELIZABETH.

Fredo: Fuck Elizabeth. SAVE ME FROM THE CONSTANT LUGER EVERY WEEK.

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Carlos: Sadly, Luger turns the tables for a moment. Is that the arm with the plate in it?

Fredo: I assume every arm he throws is the one with the plate because it’s his only redeeming quality. You’re welcome, Luger. I just complimented you.

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Carlos: Luger you dumb as hell. My man gets caught trying to hit Savage with an axe handle off the apron.

Fredo: Should have told Luger to throw a double axe handle from the top of the twin towers on 9/11/01. I don’t quite know why I chose 9/11 when the fall alone would kill him, but you know. Whatever.

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Carlos: LET SAVAGE SHOW YOU HOW IT’S DONE, SON. GOD DAMN.

Fredo: Savage is the only man alive who can get you hyped on a double axe handle.

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Shouldn’t have brought your Power Rangers lunch box to 8th grade you fucking loser.

Carlos: Luger and Savage spill to the outside again and Savage keeps working on the arm. Also, the picture above looks like Luger’s getting picked on at the playground.

Fredo: These kids know a jabroni when they see one. Going to straight up wedgy him so hard he won’t be able to shit for a week. Kids are so cruel.

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Carlos: I wanna wallpaper my apartment in those pictures. Psyched on Savage trying to completely destroy Luger’s stupid arm.

Fredo: Nah, man. Savage is simply trying to neutralize the steel plate. Yeah, but nah he’s trying to completely break that arm.

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Carlos: No! Luger comes back with a clothesline. I will say this, he’s done a great job of selling the arm. Probably because Savage legit tried to break it. Excellent.

Fredo: Hopefully there is some shoot permanent damage to that arm.

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Carlos: Oh no! We got ourselves an old fashion collision. Both men are down and Luger is blown to smithereens.

Fredo: I’m hyped on any time Luger is gasping for air.

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Carlos: They head to the outside, but I think Jimmy Hart is up to no good while the ref is distracted.

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Carlos: THAT SNEAKY THEME SONG WRITING PIECE OF SHIT. That turnbuckle is exposed AF.

Fredo: JIMMY HART YOU’RE A FUCKING SNAKE. BUT YOUR AIR BRUSH JACKET GAME IS TOO TIGHT FOR ME TO STAY MAD.

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Carlos: YES. Savage reverses it and Luger hits the exposed buckle!

Fredo: Should have coated it in AIDS before he hit. Not sure how it’d work, but fuck Luger.

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Carlos: GOD DAMMIT LUGER, YOU KNOCKED REF PEE WEE OUT. FUCK YOU.

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Carlos: Savage drops a beautiful elbow on Luger, but there’s no referee!

Fredo: THE FIX IS IN!!

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Carlos: Jimmy Hart tries to get involved, but Savage ain’t having none of that.

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Carlos: Flair just snuck in and knocked Savage the fuck out with some knucks! DID CHARLES BARKLEY ORCHESTRATE THIS?

Fredo: Man, I feel like Flair really nailed Savage. Probably revenge for Macho insisting on beating HHH in under a minute before he left for WWE. Flair was like nah chill. Then he knocked him the fuck out with brass knucks because fam is fam.

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YOU are gonna give me air time!

Carlos: Flair tries to strut out of the arena but gets cut off by Hogan. Just when you thought Hogan was gonna stay out of it.

Fredo: Two things you can count on every Nitro: Hogan and FUCK YOU LEX LUGER.

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Carlos: Hogan stops the ref from counting the 3 for Luger and the bell is rung. The match is thrown out, Fre. SHENANIGANS.

Fredo: Word, I’m totally OK with Hogan fucking Luger over.

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Carlos: Hogan went to hit Luger but Sting pushed him outta the way and got punched in the mush. SHIT IS GETTING TOO REAL.

Fredo: RELAX HOGAN. I HAVE NO QUALMS WITH RIPPING UP A HOGAN TRADING CARD YOU JABRON.

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Savage wants a kiss too.

Carlos: Can Savage keep these assholes on the same page? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK!

Fredo: Fuck Luger.


 

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