Happy New Year, jerks! After taking an extended holiday, the brown half of TD91 is back to break down the 11/27/95 episode of the superior Monday night wrestling show. New year, same us and same jabroniAF team RAW. Let’s get to the action.
Fredo: Hyped that Pepe is dressed like he’s about to pop out of some fat bitch’s bachelorette party cake and grind his dick on her leg.
Carlos: Pepe The Hunter lookin’ like he’s ready to kill Spider-Man. Or grind his dick on Spider-Man’s leg.
Fredo: Aside from Pepe being the fucking man yet again, the team is yammering on about the fallout from World War 3 where Randy Savage became the new World Heavyweight Champion!
Carlos: If Yokozuna was in that match it would’ve been a very different story.
Fredo: Hogan has stepped out of the dark side apparently. He keeps telling Sting and Macho Man that he will be their friends forever. Like Nitro just became a fucking episode of Barney and Friends.
Carlos: Hogan ripping that shirt as a visual representation of his thoughts on affirmative action.
Fredo: Oh word… his clothing just spontaneously combusted in that trash can. Totally not weird.
Carlos: My man feels some type a way about affirmative action.
Match #1: Johnny B Badd vs Diamond Dallas Page
Fredo: Looks like Johnny not only retained the TV title, but he gained some grade-A poon in Kimberly Page. Totally breaking kayfabe because I know for a fact Badd doubles for Little Richard in gay porn.
Carlos: So 10+ is how many dicks he can work with in one scene? Astounding.
Fredo: DDP looks like a broken man. He won’t be rich as all fucking hell for another decade or so. Won’t be easy to acquire some ASSSHHEE like that again.
Carlos: Man, I remember this. Psyched to know that Jersey Shore trash locked Kim up in her prime. That means we had a shot.
Fredo: HAHAHAHA HEEL AS FUCK.
Carlos: YES. DDP has made a career of hitting Johnny B. Badd with shit on Nitro.
Fredo: Damn, DDP hits Badd with a tilta-a-whirl powerslam. I’m way into it.
Carlos: I wish DDP never dropped that fuego tights game and started wearing jeans.
Fredo: Man, DDP making us think that he stored a weapon in those flowers, but really DDP just a fucking freak in the bed.
Carlos: DDP letting NWO referee Nick Patrick know that he can make that chain vanish with dem cheeks.
Fredo: DDP is asking for the chain, but looks like she tosses it to Badd instead! Did she meant to do it? Was it an accident? Is this storyline important enough for me to keep asking questions? Nope.
Carlos: I NEED TO KNOW.
Fredo: Badd nails DDP with the chain for the win. Kimberly looks confused.
Carlos: He caught DDP with that left wrapped in a chain? DDP should be dead.
Fredo: Pretty much the same look on my face for the majority of this match.
Carlos: Why does everyone look cross-eyed/deformed in that screen cap? God damn.
Fredo: The team just announced tonight’s main event of Hulk Hogan vs the newest member of the Dungeon of Doom…Hugh Morrus. So so… hyped?
Carlos: Who can mutter more offensive shit under their breath during this match? That is the true contest.
Fredo: Gene is on hand with the Taskmaster and Jimmy Hart. Sullivan is pissed that Luger is running around with Sting and that he’s the reason that Luger didn’t injure Savage last night, preventing him from winning the title. Hart explains that Luger and Sting go back a long time like he and Sullivan do but he, Luger, AND STING…have a plan. Damn, am I going to have to rip my trading card a year too early?
Carlos: Jimmy Hart posing like he’s getting the illest head right now.
Match #2: Cutie Suzuki and Mayumy Ozaki vs Bull Nakano and Akira Hokuto w/ Sonny Onoo
Fredo: Man, I am fucking HYPED for this match. These Japanese women are going to go harder than any man on this roster tonight. And that’s assuming Benoit, Guerrero, and/or Malenko are wrestling tonight.
Carlos: The amount of pain that’s gonna be handed out in this match has me oh so erect. These women are about to put that entire locker room to shame.
Fredo: Fuck me, BULL FUCKING NAKANO IS GOING TO MURDER SOMEONE.
Carlos: *-* I love you, Bull Nakano *-*
Fredo: First move of the match and it’s fucking LIT.
Carlos: Referee Lil Bert Reynolds has no idea how to react.
Fredo: Legit, I’ve never seen someone choke someone from the second turnbuckle, hangman’s noose style, but apparently Hokuto wants to end Ozaki’s life. So hyped.
Carlos: Word, I’m watching a legit attempt at murder. Sexy, joshi murder.
Fredo: Nakano is in. Shit is going to get real painful in this ring. She is throwing Ozaki around like she’s a toddler.
Carlos: Bull Nakano gives me fear boners. She’s a total babe now, too. But I know she’d rip my dick off and feed it to me.
Fredo: What dat mouf do? The answer is I NEVER WANT TO FIND OUT.
Carlos: Dare I dip my D in a shark’s mouth? Maybe. My love runs that deep.
Fredo: Cutie Suzuki finally gets into this match. What better way to make an introduction than to snap dragon suplex the living shit out of Hokuto.
Carlos: She straight put Lesnar to shame. WHERE YOU AT, BROCK? GETTING BITCHED OUT BY TINY JAPANESE WOMEN.
Fredo: Cutie is in position for Nakano to drop a huge leg from the top. The crowd is hyped as fuck.
Carlos: Took the WWE 20 years to catch up to the fire Japanese women were bringing on the regular in the 90’s.
Fredo: Nakano misses but she is unphased. She is a monster.
Carlos: I would’ve just let her get me the first time. You know she’s gonna bring the heat with the next shot.
Fredo: HOLY SHIT, SUZUKI AND OAZKI JUST DOUBLE STOMPED HER FROM THE TOP ROPE. FUCK.
Carlos: OH MY GOD A NORMAL HUMAN WOULD BE IMPALED.
Fredo: Bull responds by kicking out then suplexing them both at the same time.
Carlos: “LOL nah.” – Bull Nakano
Fredo: Suzuki goes for a flying clothesline on Hokuto, but nails her partner instead! These women are going in.
Carlos: Still nails her partner with the move because the hardbody is real in Japan.
Fredo: She nails a beautiful northern lights on Cutie for a very near fall.
Carlos: Imma start calling you Cutie. Can’t even get mad cause she’s legit AF.
Fredo: Bull tags in. After a failed powerbomb attempt on Suzuki, she straight up flattens her with dat ass.
Carlos: *_________* yas
Fredo: Suzuki and and Ozaki dump Bull on the outside, but get dumped themselves by Hokuto after too much celebrating. Hokuto somersaults off the top rope but nails only Bull! I think she landed on Nakano’s leg. She’s legit hurt.
Carlos: NO. BULL. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. ;_____________; Take me instead, wrestling gods.
Fredo: Bull knocks them down with a double clothes line on pretty much one leg and makes the tag to Hokuto.
Carlos: Fighting spirit on deck.
Fredo: She nails a fucking beautiful double drop kick and murders Cutie with a fisherman buster for the win. Apparently she’s married to Kensuke Sasaki which explains her disposition to murdering fellow Japs.
Carlos: I’ve never heard the announce team lose their shit so hard. I need to marry Kenta Kobashi so I can become a bulldozer of pain and suffering.
Fredo: Man, that was a phenomenal match. Those women went fucking 100%. What can possibly follow this?
Fredo: Oh….word? Well, at least I was wrong about it being the main event.
Fredo: You know what time it is, Coral? That’s right…WCW SATURDAY NIGHT PREVIEW, MOTHERFUCKERS!
Carlos: I’M HYPED.
Fredo: Well, at least Sting and Kurasawa should be a banger.
Carlos: DON’T YOU EVER DOWNPLAY THE IMPORTANCE OF AN AMERICAN MALES APPEARANCE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.
Match #3: Hulk Hogan vs Hugh Morrus
Fredo: Ahh good ol’ Bill. Famous for being a bully and the first victim of Goldberg’s streak.
Carlos: Hugh G. Rection has something to say about that. Probably something homophobic, but whatever.
Fredo: Hogan coming out. Probably confused as to why he’s in the unusual position of the mid-card.
Carlos: Hogan probably wanted to hit the hotel a little early tonight.
Fredo: I’m going to go ahead and believe that this is little Coral who is hyped on Hogan, but also can see into the future and is equally hyped on American Badass Undertaker.
Carlos: I can confirm that this is, in fact, me. I was actually waiting for the Nation of Domination to be a thing.
Fredo: I’m also gonna go ahead and not expect a whole lot better than this solid headlock in this match.
Carlos: Hugh Morrus in pretty good shape here.
Fredo: Hugh misses an elbow on Hogan here. I’m surprised Hogan was on his back at all during this match.
Carlos: Tried taking a quick power nap, like most of the crowd.
Fredo: Damn, Hogan biting Billy here. YOU BURNED THE DARKNESS LAST NIGHT, HULK GOD DAMN!
Carlos: My dude taking a chomp out of that Hugh….G….Rection. Fuck, I’m proud of that one.
Fredo: Whoa, Hogan irish whips Morrus into the corner, but he steps up and clotheslines Hogan. He was always pretty agile for his size. I still just don’t give a shit.
Carlos: He was a really underrated worker. An adequately rated homophobe.
Fredo: Man, I did not remember this happening. He actually nails the moonsault on Hogan! Of course, Hogan kicks out and immediately Hulks the fuck up.
Carlos: Glad Hogan gave Hugh Morrus the rub on his debut. By kicking out of his finish.
Fredo: Camera men love to get Hogan in the best positions while he’s hulking up.
Carlos: This angle making Hugh look short as fuck. Like Hogan’s fighting a little person.
Fredo: The combo of doom takes out this member of the Dungeon of Doom with ease. Your basic, formulaic Hogan match. I ain’t mad at it. At least he let Hugh Morrus get his shit in.
Carlos: Get your shit in, but imma let the world know I can kick out of 300 lbs moonsaults and you can get demolished by a big boot leg drop.
Fredo: The new champ is out addressing the controversy from World War 3. He tells Gene if Hogan has an issue, he can come find him and, well, Hogan will never miss a chance to be on TV.
Carlos: Never miss an opportunity to be involved in any storyline having to do with the championship. I bet feuding with Kidman made his leathery hot dog skin crawl.
Fredo: Hogan claims that the Giant pulled him out under the ropes so he was never eliminated, but before the footage can show it, it becomes distorted and scrambled. But, you know, you could always order the replay of the PPV to find out. Sneaky WCW officials.
Carlos: Illegal black cable box for the win.
Fredo: Oh, shit! The Giant comes out clobbering Hogan and choke slamming Savage straight to to hell.
Fredo: After thrashing Hogan around in the ring, Sting finally comes out to hug Giant’s leg so fucking tight, that it gives Hogan a chance to clobber Giant with a chair a few times. Then he clobbers him all the way up the ramp and into the back.
Carlos: Have you ever been so jealous of The Giant’s leg?
Fredo: Man, they’ve been playing this broken trust storyline for months now. DO YOU GUYS NOT TALK IN THE BACK? FUCK. Anyway, it’s time for the real main event.
Carlos: I feel like instant replay is a thing none of these wrestlers believe in. Ever.
Match #4: Arn Anderson and Brian Pillman vs Sting and Lex Luger
Fredo: Hyped to see that Arn isn’t already in the ring. Hyped to hear my favorite theme song too. Just a lot of hype for this match in general.
Carlos: That screen cap got me too hot.
Fredo: Sting coming out looking tight as always so you know lil Fre is fucking LIT right now.
Carlos: Lil Fre slapping his baby d like it owes him 2 months back rent.
Fredo: Here comes Luger. Lil Fre probably still hyped because he’s with Sting and lil Fre don’t know shit yet.
Carlos: Best picture of Luger to date. Also, fuck Lex Luger.
Fredo: Not even a minute into this match and Sting gets kicked in the back and spinebusted to hell by Anderson. Always so fucking great to see that spine buster. Gets me moist.
Carlos: Didn’t even make us wait for it. Thanks, Double A.
Fredo: Sting quickly recovers, of course, and drops both Horsemen down with a pair of diving one-handed bulldogs. Vintage Sting, jabronies.
Carlos: I was always hyped on that move. Arn and Pillman always taking it like champs.
Fredo: Sting and Luger both show their sikk strunff with a pair of gorilla press slams to the opposition.
Carlos: Man, Arn took beatings like a champ. What a phenomenal worker. You knew he could murder you, but he’d also make dudes look like a million bucks.
Fredo: Luger comes in like a house of fire. Well, at least a house where the fire alarm is going off because someone burned the bacon. Well, anyway, he shoots Arn into Pillman and he goes flying into the barricade.
Carlos: Pillman should have no jaw. Fuck.
Fredo: Damn, Luger nails Arn with that loaded forearm. Only Heenan keeps it real by pointing out the steel plate in his arm. That’s why he’s always going to be the man.
Carlos: Luger dusting off one of four moves in his impressive arsenal.
Fredo: Sting nails a Stinger Splash on Arn and locks in the Scorpion Deathlock! This match going to be over this quick?
Carlos: Pillman seems to have other plans, Fre.
Fredo: Oh shit, Luger pushes Pillman off the top, but right into Sting. Of course the announcers question whether this was a mistake or on purpose. Trust issues. Mind games. Deep emotion.
Carlos: Dark truths. Hidden deceptions. Fuck Lugers.
Fredo: After about 5 minutes of Sting just getting double teamed up the ass, Luger just decides to illegally break it up and save Sting. No DQ cuz fuck it.
Carlos: NWO Referee Nick Patrick is a piece of shit.
Fredo: Sting finally rolls up Pillman amidst the chaos for the win, but gets shot right into an Arn Anderson DDT for his troubles.
Carlos: Possibly the best DDT in the business.
Fredo: Oh shit, here comes Papa Flair in his dad sweater to beat down some jay brones.
Carlos: YES. KILL LUGER.
Fredo: Brian flies and nails Luger with a splash!
Fredo: Hogan comes in for the save! He goes after Luger, but Sting stops him and Luger fucking DIPS. What’s happening? Will anyone ever actually just have a conversation? We’ll find out next week!
Carlos: Men don’t speak with their words, Fre. They do their talking with their jacked, oiled up bodies.