Welcome to another installment of Team WWE’s side of The Monday NERDO War, where we turn back the hands of time to review classic episodes of RAW.
Are you getting a chill down your spine? Do you feel the electricity as you read these very words? Rhetorical questions. How do I know, because we have this banger of a main event coming our way.
JOEY: Hyped! Taker of the Opera is upon us.
The Undertaker battles “The Supreme Fighting Machine” Kama for the remnants of The Undertaker’s urn – the source of all his mystic and otherworldly powers. However, after stealing the urn, Kama had it melted down and fashioned into the golden chain he wears around his neck.
Before getting into it, shout out to this lady for my pick for Sign of the Week:
JOEY: Holy hell, that sign is amazing. Odds on it being true? Too high to calculate. King loves him soon poon.
As McMahon and Jerry Lawler are discussing the goings on in the WWF, Rad Radford makes his way out to the ring. Unfortunately for Mr. Radford, he’s competing against the undefeated Ahmed Johnson. Typically a match against Rad means your ability will be most favorably showcase.
Simply put: Rad is a jabroni. It doesn’t take long for Johnson to get going and really start pulling out the heavy weapons of his arsenal.
JOEY: Of course he’s a jabroni. He didn’t even get an ‘already in the ring’ entrance. He got a ‘during commentary’ entrance. Awful.
For instance – this picture perfect Scissors Kick! Booker who? Following up the high impact kick is a Bicycle Kick and a big spinebuster! After hitting Radford with everything he’s got, Ahmed is ready to put this one away
After securing his victory via the Pearl River Plunge, Ahmed is interviewed by Jerry Lawler. Lawler mentions that former Intercontinental Champion Dean Douglas has had some disparaging remarks about Johnson. Douglas runs out to further goad Johnson and a match is set between the two at the forthcoming In Your House event. Speaking of In Your House, can’t wait for the segment with my boy DOK HENDRIX! HYPED.
JOEY: Ahmed Johnson vs. Dean Douglas. Sounds boring AF. Just like Ahmed’s promos. I don’t remember them being that terrible. As a kid, I was hyped on the master of the Pearl River Plunge. It must have been the fact that he tagged with HBK, who I’ve always been a huge fan of. Even though I helped shine a light on some of the shittier things he’s done.
We get a video package that includes an update on the health of “The Heart Break Kid” Shawn Michaels. The major crux of it all being
After a few visits to
Sunny the doctor, he should be fine.
Proving that #DivasRevolution has been around longer than social media, we get a women’s tag team match pitting WWF Women’s Champion Alundra Blayze and Kyoto Inoue against Aja Kong and Tomoko Watanabe. This is a “sort of” rematch from the ’95 Survivor Series a few weeks prior.
Blayze and Inoue open the contest up with a pair of drop kicks to Aja Kong. Their offense almost seemingly for naught as Kong is able to swing momentum her way and dominate over Inoue. After hitting a big splash, Kong tags in Watanabe. Still on the wrong end of the beat down, Inoue tries to fight back and goes to whip Watanabe into the corner.
Gracefully, Watanabe springboards off the second rope and looks to connect with a cross body block. Inoue is able to sidestep the aerial assault. Inoue then locks Watanabe in a picture perfect surfboard.
Blayze comes in and after “Flair Flipping” over the top rope, connects with an arm drag off the top. Alundra quickly tags Kyoko back in. Kong runs in for her team, and begins to kick the hell out of Inoue. Coming back from commercial interruption, Watanabe is coming off the top rope, jumping clear over Inoue. Watanabe is able to, on her second attempt, connect with the springboard cross body block that is good for a two count.
Watanabe catches a belly-to-belly suplex from the second rope, Aja breaks up the pin on her partner. Alundra tags in and is looking to hit the German Suplex on Watanabe. Kong comes in and kicks Blayze in the thigh. Blayze hits a bid enziguri on Watanabe. A pair of front drop kicks from the middle rope find their mark for Alundra. The third one, misses wildly.
Double team action by Kong/Watanabe: Watanabe hits a devastating scoop slam on Blayze; however Kong’s flying splash completely missed. Alundra tags out to Inoue
Who promptly eats a BackDrop Driver. Much like at the Survivor Series, Kong is able to find a three count after successfully connecting with a Uraken Punch.
Bret Hart’s interview with the returning Brother Love is up next. Love starts by saying that the “Hitman” moniker may no longer be fitting for the WWF Champion and he should change it to the “Marked Man.” Before Bret can offer up a rebuttal, Love pulls the microphone away. Hart is unable to respond as Love makes accusations that Bret is afraid of guys like Diesel and The Undertaker.
Brother Love mentions that Bret’s recent actions are breaking his mother’s heart. Those actions being competing against his younger brother Owen, and his brother-in-law, The British Bulldog, at the upcoming In Your House. That’s where Love crosses the line and Hart grabs the mic to say that he’ll do whatever it takes to remind people that he is the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be.
JOEY: I really hope Brother Love’s tenure doesn’t last too long. That guy annoys the hell out of me. I know he’s supposed, but still.
Bob Backlund, who was campaigning for the presidency in the crowd, jumps in the ring and locks Bret in the CrossFace Chicken Wing.
JOEY: Backlund 4 Prez. He’ll CrossFace Chicken Wing this country back into shape.
Hunter Hearst Helmsley is up next against John Crystal. The match is over before it even begins as Helmsley is able to hit the Pedigree early on.
JOEY: No way, John Crystal wasn’t able to pick up a win? You’d think a guy named John Crystal would be taken totally seriously. Instead, Jerry Lawler spent a large portion of the match doing an Oprah Winfrey impression. Solid.
In a display of ultimate disrespect, a match is announced for In Your House, but it WASN’T done by Dok Hendrix. I can tell you my hype has gone down exponentially.
JOEY: Homeboy was definitely face down in a huge pile of white lightning.
James E. Cornette is in the back with “The King of Harts” Owen Hart. They announce that since, at this point in time, they don’t have a real opponent for In Your House, they are issuing an open challenge to whomever will accept.
Finally, we come to our main event of the episode: The Undertaker and Kama do battle for the Undertaker’s urn.
Or so we thought. Ted DiBiase is leading Kama to the ring on crutches.
DiBiase explains that Kama is unable to compete, however he has already paid for the best replacement money can buy: Sir Mo!
JOEY: Come on, DiBiase. You were able to muster up a whole other Undertaker in ’94. A little over a year later, and Sir Mo is what you’re bringing to the table? You’re better than that.
It doesn’t matter to Undertaker who’s in front of him, they’re going to get demolished – especially if the urn is on the line.
Mo starts the match off by clotheslining Taker to the outside. But because Taker is so big, he lands on his feet. He lands right next to DiBiase, who he grabs around the throat as if he’s going to chokeslam him. Kama attacks Taker from behind to prevent that from happening. As Sir Mo is distracting the referee, Kama and DiBiase double team Taker on the outside.
JOEY: Hey now, what’s going on here? Kama’s moving pretty well off those crutches. Was Ted DiBiase….lying? Get out of town!
Coming back from a commercial break, the action is back inside and Undertaker is fighting back. He drops Sir Mo with a big boot and follows it up with a jumping clothesline. Undertaker goes to the outside and slams Kama into the stairs to neutralize the disadvantage. Taker goes back to Sir Mo and hits the Chokeslam for the 3 count and he regains possession of his urn!
JOEY: Taker better wear that urn/chain to the ring at least once.
King Mabel comes out from the back and attempts to steal the urn-chain, but before he can Undertaker grabs it back. Yokozuna comes out and gets into the ring, Taker gives the chain to Paul Bearer. As Taker is worrying about Yoko, King Mabel sneaks behind Bearer knocks him down and steals the chain. Undertaker promptly chases him to the back.
JOEY: How the fuck did King Mabel sneak behind anybody?
That’ll do it for this edition of RAW, please join us next week when we have these bangers to look forward to:
And for the WWF Intercontinental Championship:
JOEY: Hyped for this one.