Before we start, sorry about last week’s disturbing lack of Monday Nerdo War. The holidays had both teams all turned around. We’re back now, though.
Hot off the heels of the 1995 Survivor Series; WWF RAW rolls into Richmond, Virginia and gifts us with this banger of a main event:
After a brief recap of the Survivor Series and revealing that Bret Hart is the NEW WWF Champion, we head to the ring for our first match of the night.
JOEY: I watched Hart vs. Diesel, and it was pretty damn solid. Reminded me of Bayley vs. Nia Jax at NXT TakeOver: London. A smaller, punchier opponent fights through the domination, and uses intelligence and strategy to chop the giant down.
Hakushi squares up agains the newest addition to the Million Dollar Corporation – The 1-2-3 Kid.
Hakushi shows off just how much he’s picked up from Horowitz by giving early control to the Kid. Jannetty runs out of the back looking to get a measure of revenge on the Kid for what happened at Survivor Series. Hakushi looks to take advantage of the momentary distraction, but the Kid is just too good to be stopped.
JOEY: Man. I do not care for the 1-2-3 Kid. I knew I didn’t like X-Pac, or Syxx, but I thought maybe there was a chance for the 1-2-3 Kid. That maybe, just maybe, something about his in-ring work was different during that phase of his career. Nope! Now the only positive thing I have to say for him is that he shit in Sunny’s food, and that bitch deserved a turd or two in her salad.
Hakushi whips Kid into the ropes and goes for a dropkick, but Kid hung onto the ropes causing Hakushi to connect with nothing but the air. The former Lightning Kid then ascends to the top to show you some real light-heavyweight action.
Singlet, Check! Glorious mullet, DOUBLE CHECK! Best Frog Splash in the Biz, CHECK!! VIVA EL NIÑO!
JOEY: I can only assume Jerry is kidding. That Frog Splash was ugly AF. In fact, we’ll call it the Half a Star Frog Splash, because it wasn’t even in the same league as RVD’s. Click HERE to wash the taste of that garbage out of your mouth.
Hakushi realizing that he can’t go out like a jaybrone to a frog splash starts to battle back. He introduces the Kid’s back to his knee via a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker! Hakushi draws a two count on the Kid, following a handspring back elbow in the corner.
Hakushi, deciding that he no longer need functioning brain cells, dives off the top rope and uses his head like a battering ram. The offense doesn’t stop there as Kid finds himself launched to the outside via a big back body drop. Hakushi climbs to the high rent district to continue the assault, but is launched off the top by Ted DiBiase. After a big spinning heel kick by the Kid, he earns the “1-2-3” part of his ring name.
JOEY: Besides that tag match with Bret, has Hakushi won a single match? Or was he put together with Barry Horowitz so that he could get used to jobbing out to everyone? If so, that’s a shame. Before these old Raw episodes, all I had ever seen of Hakushi was that dope ass tag match he had in ECW. He teamed with Hayabusa to take on RVD and Sabu, and that shit was bananas.
After the match Kid and DiBiase are running down Jannetty, which prompts him to gingerly run out once again. This time though, he has “Sycho” Sid hot on his heels. Before Jannetty can even get near Kid, he finds himself on the wrong end of a powerbomb, courtesy of Sid.
It’s finally time for the real “Brain” in professional wrestling:
JOEY: Nah, I can’t get behind that last line. I don’t care about the task at hand, I will not throw Bobby Heenan under the bus, especially not for a colossal jabroni like Michael P.S Hayes.
Dok “P.S.” Hendrix is bouncing off the walls again, can only mean one of three things:
A) He called Mark Henry a racial epitaph again.
2) He broke out that 8-ball a little early
D) There’s an In Your House event coming up.
JOEY: Mark Henry didn’t even come to the WWF until 1996, and I’m still confident that all three of those choices are correct. That’s how coked up Hendrix/Hayes looks.
WWF definitely giving us a banger of a match for the WWF Championship:
But not before making us earn it by sitting through a Hog Pen match.
Bulldog getting chance after chance for the WWF Championship. Wonder how Cornette feels about it?
Let’s check in with the challenger to see what’s on his mind about his forthcoming championship opportunity:
I really wasn’t paying attention, cause I was focused on how much I want to deck Cornette in the jaw. The only thing I can really agree with Davey Boy on is that Hershey Park is the scum-hole of the Earth.
JOEY: Not only did Bulldog beat Bret Hart at SummerSlam ’92, but he did it after spending the whole night smoking crack with Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart. You know how Popeye has spinach? Davey Boy has crack.
To compensate for the fact that our time with Dok Hendrix is over, WWF rewards us with Sunny!
Skip isn’t in for a cake walk, as he’ll be competing against Savio Vega! The match opens up quick with Vega unloading some chops in the corner. Skip hits a nice enziguri, and is able to duck under a side-kick.
An attempted dropkick by the Bodydonna finds him catapulted into the corner by Vega. As the action continues in the ring, the former WWF Champion Diesel comes out.
JOEY: Kevin Nash looking like the most hardbodied dad ever. He’ll choke slam you, but not if it gets in the way of his son’s hockey practice.
After completely bringing the match to a screeching halt, Diesel gets on the mic:
Besides giving us an early glimpse into the “blurring of the line between reality and fiction” approach that wrestling would soon embark upon; Diesel proclaims that “Big Daddy Cool is back!”
No more doing what’s right for the company, he’s all about himself!
Before we can get to the main event, lets take a moment to have WWF shill out some merch:
Fuck, I can’t even front – I want them all.
JOEY: Give me each and every piece of that merchandise.
It’s time for what will surely be a banger of a match between “The King of Harts” and the “Heartbreak Kid.”
JOEY: Hell yes.
Owen opens up the match with two quick shoulder tackles, which each draw a two count. Hart is able to get another two count after a side headlock. Michaels battles out of the headlock by putting Hart into a head scissors. Owen counters that with a jackknife pin, which draws yet another two count. Michaels bridges up out of the pin and gets a two count of his own with a backslide pin. After some quick offense by Michaels, Hart takes a breather on the outside.
Back on the inside, Owen attempts a leap frog, Michaels doesn’t go under and when Hart lands, Shawn hits him with a hurricanranna. Owen clotheslines Michaels over the top rope, and hits a baseball slide dropkick. Hart hits a beautiful German suplex (with a perfect bridge) for only a two count.
JOEY: Holy hell, this match has been on for mere minutes, and it’s been fire.
Before going to the commercial break Owen rocks HBK with a backbreaker and a suplex which draws a two count, and a big spinning back heel kick. Coming back from the break, Owen is still in control, with Michaels in a side headlock.
HBK shoots Owen off and into the ropes, goes for a back body drop but it gets countered into a neck breaker by “The Rocket.” Following a leg drop by Hart, Michaels is able to reverse a DDT into a backslide pin attempt for two. Owen perches Michaels on the top and goes for a super back suplex, but Michaels is able to turn in midair and counter it into a cross body.
After another two count, Michaels hits his trademark flying forearm, nips up, and slams Owen down with a big scoop slam.
The flying elbow off the top is only good for another two count.
JOEY: But it was oh, so pretty.
Michaels starts to tune up the band, but Owen is able to lure Michaels closer to him. Attempting to make the most of his trap being sprung, Owen goes to kick Michaels; but Shawn saw the dupe coming and grabs the foot. Hart hits a big enziguri. Owen looking to capitalize sets Michaels up for the Sharpshooter. HBK counters out of it with an eye poke.
Which leads us to:
All of a sudden Michaels collapses in the ring! They send out all the officials to check on him, including WWF Official Doctor Emmet L. Brown
Breaking the wall between reality and fiction once again, even Vince McMahon is in the ring checking on his employee. As we come back in from the final commercial break, the EMTs are preparing the oxygen mask for the Heart Break Kid.
Can’t wait to see how this shakes out next week on the Monday Nerdo WAR!