FAMILY GUY: Dr. Hartman Is Responsible for a lot of Pain in Quahog

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Back in season two of “Family Guy,” we viewers were introduced to Ernie The Giant Chicken, who has famously feuded with Peter ever since. They have long, brutally physical fights that happen suddenly, right in the middle of a scene. Peter is usually having a conversation, and then in comes Ernie to launch a monstrous battle that causes all sorts of damage.

I’m talking millions of dollars worth of damage, as well as countless lost lives. Here is one of those battles, for all those who have been living under a rock:

That one fight scene alone involves a train crash, multiple accidents at a construction site, a plane crash into a ferris wheel, which somehow causes the plane to get stuck and for the ferris wheel to come loose, allowing it to roll down a city street, until finally coming to a stop when it crashes into a building. Of course, that crash causes the whole building to come down in such a way that everyone inside it is surely killed.

THAT’S ONLY ONE OF THEIR FIGHTS! I imagine the “Family Guy” world is terrified of the possibility of another Peter and Chicken fight. At any time, Ernie could come across Peter, and within moments, the shit will seriously hit the fan. How many people have lost their lives over this pointless, decades old rivalry that, at one point, was over an out of date coupon, but thanks to time travel, became about the time that Peter shoved Ernie at a dance?

You may be wondering: where does Dr. Hartman, the Griffin family doctor, come into play on this matter?

By his own admission, Dr. Elmer Hartman is Ernie’s father. In season nine, episode eight, “New Kidney in Town,” Peter becomes addicted to Red Bull. Lois, not being a moron, knows how bad this will be for him, and starts hiding the energy drinks whenever Peter brings them into the house. This leads to Peter trying to create his own energy drink out of kerosene, and some other equally dumb ingredients that Brian warns will kill him.

Obviously, since he’s Peter Griffin, he doesn’t listen, and winds up destroying his kidney. The hospital places him on dialysis, until they can find a donor. When Brian suggests that his best friend take his kidney to survive the damage, Lois turns to Dr. Hartman, and asks if it is possible.

Here is his response:

“I suppose. Stranger things have happened in medicine. I once tried to clone a chicken. The result wound up being a man-sized chicken that was incredibly hostile, and ended up escaping from the lab.”

I’m sure he had no idea what he was doing when he did it, but the man must be held accountable. His hands have wrought up so much pain and death.

I mean, come on, look at this!

That was only the first.

Peter and Ernie’s interactions have been nothing but a harbinger of death and devastation, and it’s all because of Dr. Hartman! Look at him in that featured image. What a scumbag.


EDITOR’S NOTE: Just to be one hundred percent clear, this is meant to be nothing more than a fun look at some of the ridiculous things that go in a cartoon universe, right along with Peter and Lois Griffin being related
Walter Winchester