Welcome everyone to week 11 of the Nerdo Night Wars! Team WCW reviews another completely fire Nitro while Team WWF spends more time smelling our taint than actually paying attention to their snooze fest of a show. Let’s get right to the action!
Carlos: SUPER PEPE RIGHT OFF THE TIP.
Fredo: Super Pepe needs to use his laser vision to blast Mongo into the fucking sun. Also Lex Luger. He needs to disintegrate in the sun as well.
Carlos: Bischoff let’s everyone know that since Hogan refuses to put The Giant and the entire Dungeon of Doom over clean, the winner of World War 3 will be the new WCW Champion! Much excite.
Fredo: You mean there’s a chance that Cobra could be our next world champion. Color me fucking HYPED.
Carlos: For a second I thought Hogan wasn’t gonna be in WW3. I was wrong. Not only does he refuse to put Giant over, he just might beat the entire WCW roster to regain the title he never really lost. Phenomenal. Hulkamania you fucking idiots.
Fredo: My man, don’t you know that the whole WCW roster is there for the sole purpose of putting Hulkamania — and by extension — Pastamania over? Hulkamania and Pastamania forever you fucking idiots.
Carlos: Mother of god. It’s this gem of a moment. They open on a grave and you hear someone groaning off-screen. Pan out to this. I’m psyched Hogan looks like a dude that got laid off at Medieval Times.
Fredo: See, I think he looks like he just got hired at Medieval Times and he sneaks his costume home to show his mom his really awesome cosplay. Perspectives.
Carlos: How the fuck do we go from Hogan and Macho chilling outside with a rollerblading, guitar shredding crackhead to this? How? Hogan says his brother Macho Man is on a mission to bring him the head of Meng. LOL YEAH AIGHT NIGGA.
Fredo: LOL. You’re lucky if he lets a doctor inject him with a vaccine to save his life. Nigga only takes what he wants. He’ll inject himself with AIDS just so his body can break it down and dare a doctor to take a sample of his blood. COME AT MENG, DOC. COME GET THE CURE FOR AIDS, DICKHEAD.
Carlos: Hogan said he and Mach have a Dungeon hit list. He doesn’t know what side Sting is on, so his name might end up on it. It’s segments like this that remind me why people didn’t take 90‘s wrestling seriously until the Attitude Era. You got Benoit/Malenko/Guerrero etc. tearing it up each week, BUT YOU OPEN THE SHOW WITH THE HOGAN OF THE OPERA WIELDING A SWORD TALKING ABOUT DECAPITATING DUDES AT A REN FAIRE. STOP, SON. FUCK.
Fredo: Hogan of the Opera better calm the fuck down. My man is already trying to plant the seed that Sting is a turncoat. Trying to get me to rip my Sting trading card a year before it has to happen. Fuck you, Hogan, for trying to replace my icon.
Carlos: Just hitting you with Super Pepe one more time to make up for that shit show.
Fredo: I’d rather watch a video of Pepe pissing and smelling his dick after for hours.
Match 1: Meng vs “The Macho Man” Randy Savage
Carlos: Hogan’s a busta. Meng was the first dude to rock the Phantom look. OG Phantom of the Opera from the get.
Fredo: Only Meng doesn’t haunt some whack opera house. He straight up just watches you eat, sleep, and fuck and you won’t do shit about it.
Carlos: Macho Man using them brains and sneaking up behind the Tongan and the “Benoit Family Slayer” Kevin Sullivan, sending them both out with a flying knee. Wasn’t that Booty Man’s finish? Man. Fuck you, Ed Leslie.
Fredo: We recently read an article on Sullivan’s appearance on Jim Ross’ podcast, articulating his dismay at the accusations of him being the Benoit family murderer. Well, Taskmaster, if you really feel that way you shouldn’t have fucking murdered the Benoits. I know it was you. I can feel it. Taste it.
Carlos: Do you think Meng even feels getting thrown against the post and guardrail? Like, I feel bad for the ring post.
Fredo: I don’t think Meng has felt anything in years. I heard he met a woman a long time ago and thought maybe he was falling in love. Turns out he just needed to kill a man and he was all good.
Carlos: That slithering Sullivan tries to interfere, but he gets cut off by Savage. Now he just looks like he wants to show the world his ass game thick.
Fredo: Big Booty Daddy Kevin Sullivan.
Carlos: That moment of rest is all Meng needed! He nails Savage in the stomach on the way down from the top. Savage looks like his dick is on fire.
Fredo: To bag a chick like Elizabeth his dick had to be a living inferno anyway.
Carlos: That guardrail is getting all the action tonight. Honestly, I’d rather get dropped sternum first across a steel guardrail than take one slap from Meng.
Carlos: Meng ripped Macho’s shirt open and proceeded to chop him about 12 times. FUCK. Savage ate every single one of those. He didn’t use a single Mongolian chop. Now that’s a little disappointing. Are Mongolians similar to Tongans? You know what. It doesn’t matter.
Fredo: They both end in -ans so they have to have the same weird, fucked up culture. I’d never say anything remotely close to this to Meng, by the way. I can’t fathom taking a light slap from Meng let alone 12 chops. Am I a pussy? Nah, nigga I fear Death like any normal human being.
Carlos: Meng going for that trademark 450, but Savage moves!
Carlos: It’s over! Savage takes Meng out with that beautiful elbow off the top! I wish CM Punk’s elbow wasn’t so hideous. I mean, Test had a sexier flying elbow drop. RIP Test.
Carlos: The Shark and Luger attack Macho post-match and work on that arm! Luger looks like he just got back from a spin class. I’m not actually sure what a “spin class” is, but I assume he came back from one.
Fredo: Luger should have taken some extra classes at the Power Plant instead. Fucking mark.
Match 2: Kensuki Sasaki vs Chris Benoit
Fredo: Damn, Nitro just got hard as fuck.
Carlos: I’d like to credit Benoit for giving Team WWF’s Jerry the idea of placing a bible next to each toto he slays. Fuck you, Jerry.
Fredo: Jerry “Holy Toto Slayer” Mascolo can suck my dick, but sooth my toto.
Carlos: The bell doesn’t even get a chance to ring and Benoit is nailing Sasaki. Although that gets put on hold real quick with a fucking lariatoooooooooo.
Fredo: The lariat is the ultimate equalizer.
Carlos: Sasaki is so fucking strong. His Japanese mullet game is also reckless. Putting Guerrero almost to shame kinda reckless.
Fredo: I think it’s safe to say that his mullet style determines his fuck style.
Carlos: Benoit doesn’t give a fuck, even though Sasaki gently brings him down for that bulldog, he’s gonna eat that fucking mat.
Fredo: I’m pretty sure Sasaki could have scoop slammed him here and Benoit would have found a way to drop himself on the top of his head.
Carlos: After a couple Germans and a Dragon Suplex, Sasaki is down for the count. These guys didn’t really have much time which is kind of a bummer. Wish these dudes had 25 minutes to murder each other in Japan. This match should’ve gotten me way more erect.
Fredo: But even the 5 minutes they had on here tonight was still oh so tight. Tight, unlike Joey’s loose as fuck toto.
Carlos: Whoa, here comes Saturday Night!
Carlos: I needed to pop my shirt off that card looked so hot. BUNK. HOUSE. BUCK. AND. HE. LIKES. TO. FUCK.
Fredo: JACK. SWAGGER. SENIOR. AND. HE. LOVES. TO. FINGER (BUTTS).
Match 3: Eddie Guerrero vs Johnny B. Badd (WCW Television Champion)
Carlos: Need to get that title on Regal ASAP.
Fredo: And eventually we also get that sweet Martel/Benoit/Booker T feud for the title. None of that happens while it’s on this jabroni. Still hyped on his theme tho.
Carlos: DID GUERRERO JUST GET A COMMERCIAL BREAK ENTRANCE SO THIS NIGGA CAN COME OUT AND THROW FRISBEES?
Fredo: I think the most infuriating part of the Nitros we’ve reviewed so far are their really shitty choices for commercial break entrances. They straight get me hot.
Carlos: Look at that beauty. Just waiting to be found in the trash by “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan.
Fredo: The last and greatest champion.
Carlos: That mullet game is unreal.
Fredo: Damn, the amount of party in the back in the ring will make Rosa Parks say “oh aight.”
Carlos: The two exchange some quick offense and reversals before Badd tilt-a-whirl backbreaks the shit outta Guerrero. Taking a page out of Guerrero’s book, just not as pretty.
Carlos: Eddie shows my dude he doesn’t play.
Fredo: Don’t make Eddie’s trademark moves look like absolute shit.
Carlos: The two are going back and forth. Badd actually pulled out a nice little leg drop. Guerrero actually making Badd put in some work.
Fredo: I feel like at this point in his career he could KINDA go, but he definitely never faced anyone the caliber of a Guerrero or even a Benoit or Malenko for that matter. Putting gay Little Richard to the real test.
Carlos: Guerrero went for a superplex but Badd reverses. My dude just ate the mat.
Fredo: Guerrero don’t give a god damn fuck. Probably working way too hard to make look Badd look goodd.
Carlos: I gotta give it to the guy, that sunset flip off the top looked beautiful. The two reverse it a couple times and end up with Guerrero on top for a 2.
Carlos: TOPE CON HELLO. They announce theres only 2 minutes remaining in the match. Johnny B. Badd is psyched cause he looks like he’s ready to pass out.
Fredo: TV time limit here to save Johnny’s heart rate. I don’t know if he’s watched Eddie the last few weeks, but he almost look perplexed by how quickly Eddie moves in that ring.
Carlos: I never get tired of seeing that. The ref had to separate the two for a moment, cause it’s breaking down. Closed fists all over the place.
Fredo: Badd has that mean left hook that somehow never got him DQ’d. I know it was because of the color of is skin. He had WCW by the balls with racial issues. What a dick.
Carlos: WOW. He dropped Guerrero on his head but only got a 2! Nothing like letting Johnny B. Badd use Taker’s finish, and have the guy kick out at 2.
Carlos: And with that mid-air collision the clock winds down! We have ourselves an ol’ fashioned draw. The two men shake hands and embrace. I’m gonna say something I never thought I would in 2015: I thoroughly enjoyed a Johnny B. Badd match. I mean, it was with Guerrero but still. Badd did his part.
Fredo: It was a solid showing from Badd for sure. He definitely almost died from trying to keep up with Guerrero. I blame Guerrero for not being on his A-game and straight up murdering Mero.
Carlos: So the Dungeon is out there to hype up The Giant being in World War 3. Great.
Fredo: Niggas best watch for the Phantom of the Hogan. Dude is up in the rafters planning to drop sand bags on your heads.
Carlos: Jimmy Hart says he’s glad he stabbed Hogan in the back. Now he just needs to figure out what to do with 200 tastefully airbrushed Hogan jackets. So the Benoit/Sasaki match gets 5 minutes so this dick can talk about airbrushed jackets? Cool. Nah, yeah, cool.
Fredo: Relax, Coral. Can you honestly look at the jacket he’s holding or any jackets he has ever worn out and say its not worth it to screw two grade A international talents? LOOK AT THE JACKET , CORAL. FUCKING MARK.
Carlos: I will say those are some clutch Hogan impressions. I no longer hate this segment.
Match 4: Dean Malenko vs Sting
Carlos: I am as hyped as little Fre in the bottom left of the Sting pic.
Fredo: You could never be as hyped as little Fre until you are willing to destroy the one nigga you love’s trading card in effigy. FUCK YOU COBRA FUCK. I LOVED THAT CARD.
Carlos: I don’t remember this match going down or their paths crossing that much in WCW. This pleases me, deeply.
Fredo: I very vaguely remember this match happening, but I am hyped to watch again anyway.
Carlos: Sting got that COKE STRUNFF. Waist locks and shoulder tackles are nothing to him.
Fredo: When Sting no-sold shit, I believed it. A few pain killers in and you won’t feel shit. You ain’t Meng level of naturally feeling nothing, but you’re close.
Carlos: Look at that agility. Look at dat ass.
Fredo: Hyped on the dunk height Sting jumps to.
Carlos: Dude. Malenko just tried to leap over Sting and the Stinger just caught him in mid-air and slammed the fuck outta him.
Fredo: That coke strunff never dies. Not until he crashes later at least.
Carlos: Malenko getting strategic and going after Sting’s leg. He’s a smart man’s wrestler. Sting is strong, fast and agile. Take out one of his tires.
Carlos: MY MAN. I am so fucking jealous of this guy’s merch game it’s disgusting. It bothers me that WWE doesn’t reproduce any of these shirts. I’d much rather buy vintage WCW/WWF gear than an obnoxious Dolph Ziggler shirt. Not a knock on Ziggler, but today’s merch game is pretty weak. Need this kinda fire.
Fredo: It’s disgusting how I would definitely jump this clearly disabled gentleman and take all his shit. At least WWE made that sweet Sting vintage shirt.
Carlos: Malenko isn’t letting up on that leg.
Fredo: Malenko is smart, as you said..he also knows that Sting can’t lock THE BEST VERSION OF THE SHARPSHOOTER EVER APPLIED: THE SCORPION DEATH LOCK with just one good wheel.
Carlos: Sting battles to his feet but EATS a beautiful german. God damn, Malenko thought he was facing Benoit dumping Sting on his head like that.
Fredo: Malenko is definitely worrying about his job right now.
Carlos: Sting reverses a whip to the corner but malenko dodges the splash! Malenko with the quickness.
Fredo: Malenko is depriving me of a Stinger Splash. Almost wishing he was the one with the murder-inducing concussions now. I TAKE STING SERIOUSLY YOU MARKS.
Carlos: Malenko could do it all. I can’t wait til his feud with Jericho.
Fredo: Hyped on Malenko dressing like Ciclope.
Carlos: Malenko went for the Texas Cloverleaf, but Sting rolls him up for the win! What a fun match. Definitely hyped AF on what just went down.
Fredo: Definitely a fun , solid match. These guys would be hard pressed to have a bad match against beach other. Wish they got more time but you know. Gotta give more time to either the Phantom of the Hogan or Hogan jackets.
Carlos: Sting accepts Hogan’s challenge for next week’s Nitro and that’s it for us. Team WCW: OUT. Suck it Joey.