Coral and Fre are comin atcha’ straight from the Driver Dome for another riveting edition of WCW Monday Nitro. Will there be a yeti? Perhaps Arn Anderson will come out to the ring during the commercial break without music. Maybe Disco will put a hat on Hawk’s shoulder pad again. Anything can happen so you better just stick with us and ignore whatever is happening on that other shit show.
Fredo: There was a shot of the announce team to open, but yeah. Pepe in this outfit has me hyped as all fuck.
Carlos: Mongo wears that same outfit when he fucks.
Fredo: Bischoff is giving us the shot to pick the main event by calling some hotline that likely has dudes talking dirty to get other dudes off. So yeah, don’t call it unless your name is Jerry.
Carlos: Jerry gonna crank it to a pre-recorded message of himself cranking it to the thought of Jerry calling in to that number. Time is but a flat circle, Gerald.
Fredo: Looks like the first match is about to get under way. Let’s see what championship material WCW superstars will engage in battle for our first match.
Match#1 Cobra vs The Giant
Carlos: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Ah, yes.
Fredo: Word. WCW making me look straight up stupid. I was so confused for a moment because I heard beeping and I thought they were having audio issues. Nope, his theme song is morse code. What a dumb fucking idea.
Carlos: Surprised they didn’t dust this theme off and give it to Cesaro. You know, really help get that guy over. Like Cobra.
Fredo: I wonder who will win this match.
Carlos: Jimmy Hart looking like a horse about to take a bite out of the healthiest dick.
Fredo: Mercifully, this was quick. They spent more time trying to subtly encourage people to vote for Sting vs Flair than it did for this match to end.
Carlos: Kinda surprised Cobra didn’t take Giant to the limit. Yep.
Fredo: Looks like they’re going to take us to the “red” (heel) and “blue” (babyface) locker rooms to see what our options are.
Carlos: WCW changing the game before WWF decided to get Taboo on a Tuesday.
Fredo: Yeah, word. I wonder which one of these wrestlers at this stage in their career I wanna see in a match.
Carlos: The Shark. You want Shark.
Fredo: Fuck. I take that back. I wanna time travel and vote for the Blue Bloods to be in this match.
Carlos: They hid them in the back to make sure they wouldn’t get every single vote possible.
Fredo: Damn, this locker room is stacked. Sting, Mr. JL, Alex Wright, The Nasty Boys, Dave Sullivan…
Carlos: …WHERE DID EVAD SULLIVAN COME FROM? He kinda looks like Perry Saturn and it’s freaking me out.
Fredo: No way that Duggan isn’t fucking LIT right here. Should have voted for the Blue Bloods vs Hacksaw. I’m sure he was lit enough to take them both the fuck down.
Carlos: I bet Mr. JL and DDP would’ve brought the fire.
Fredo: Sting is pissed and keeps repeating he wants Flair. I wanna get behind you my man but you dumbAF. What did you think would happen?
Carlos: Sting looks like he had a long cry before this segment. Still can’t get over Flair stabbing him in the back. Again. For the 37th time. Come on, Sting, you know Flair is a lying…piece of shit…you deserve…everything you GIT.
Fredo: Hyped on the WW3 promo here. I like how they really tried to one up the WWE on everything. Maybe sometimes less is more. But nah, fuck Team RAW WW3 WAS TIGHTAF!!
Carlos: I loved WW3. I mean, what’s more of a cluster fuck than 20 men in the ring at once? 60 men split into 3 different rings at the same time. Brilliant.
Fredo: A quick shot of this crackhead with a guitar singing a song about Hogan. Why?
Carlos: How else is Hogan supposed to get over?
Fredo: Looks like Mach’ and Hogan have replaced Hart with the local drunk. They’re talking and shit, but all I hear is this crackhead playing in the background.
Carlos: Those dudes in the back are definitely DTF.
Fredo: I’m so hyped to realize he is also on rollerblades. No way that dude is still alive. OD’d on Hogan’s vitamins or crack.
Carlos: I honestly don’t know what just happened.
Match #2: The Taskmaster vs. The Renegade
Fredo: Kevin Sullivan is coming out with his new pal Jimmy Hart. He’s not on roller blades or on crack so I don’t give a shit.
Carlos: How that dude didn’t walk away from that segment with a contract is beyond me.
Fredo: Let me say it is an absolute fucking pleasure to see King Jabron ’15 himself, The Renegade, in action tonight. Hyped on his straight up Ultimate Warrior entrance.
Carlos: Always a fan of the capital R’s he painted on himself each week. Real cool. Real original. Real fire.
Fredo: Renegade comes in with a flurry of really ugly clotheslines on Sullivan. Sometimes I wonder if we picked the right man as King Jabron. I can confirm we did.
Carlos: He just wanted his offense to be as Warrior-esque as possible. Ugly clotheslines? Check.
Fredo: Man, Renegade has no business in the ring. Sullivan basically dumped himself over the top.
Carlos: Tiger Driver ’91’s King Jabron ’15 really making us proud.
Fredo: This match is pretty much what you expect. Sullivan having to carry it on his old-ass back. Chops and punches and stomps from Sullivan. Awkward powerslams from Renegade.
Carlos: With all the talent they had in that locker room we got Renegade and Cobra in the first two matches. Why?
Fredo: After missing a kick in the corner, Sullivan ties him up in a tree of woe and eventually a double stomp from the second turnbuckle for the win.
Carlos: Thank you, Taskmaster. You the real MVP.
Fredo: Damn, this is the beginning of the end of Renegade’s life. He’s rubbing the “R” paint off his face and telling him he’s no one. That he’s plain ol’ Rick. I think this is the moment he knew he was gonna suicide himself. He’s a great king.
Carlos: Hello, darkness, my old friend.
Fredo: Flair is cutting a promo here, but really you gotta peep Beautiful Bobby sippin dat sizzurp in the background.
Carlos: Purple drank about to make that Beautiful Bobby dick stank.
Fredo: Man, just don’t even bother with RAW at this point. Nothing on there will be better than this masterpiece coming up.
Carlos: This match makes up for everything.
Fredo: Hold up, our favorite part of Nitro is coming up. Peep the Saturday Night preview right quick.
Fredo: Saturday Night lookin…yeah.
Carlos: Arn spinebusting Kurasawa back to Japan will definitely be the highlight.
Match #3: Chris Benoit vs Eddie Guerrero
Fredo: Man, both these dudes were part of my dead wrestler promotion in Fire Pro. Nothing to do with this match or his entrance, but I was really hyped on that promotion.
Carlos: We were waiting for wrestlers to die to build up that already sick roster. Best idea you ever had.
Fredo: Eddie getting pyro this week. He’s earned it. I think.
Carlos: I guess Pittman no showed, so they had the pyro there anyway. Might as well use it, right?
Fredo: Benoit attacks Eddie as he’s putting away his sick as fuck jacket and we are kicking this match off. What a prick. I definitely see Chris “The Murderer” Benoit here.
Carlos: Eddie’s your friend, Chris.
Fredo: Benoit’s snap suplex is so vicious. I feel like he just suplexed him into November of 2005. Cuz, y’know, he’s dead.
Carlos: That suplex was next level. Like all of that offense.
Fredo: Benoit putting on a Liontamer here and Jericho is no where to be found yet. Jericho is known to have Benoit’s kryptonite. His kryptonite being trying to suicide dive to the outside but being met with a steel chair instead of a body.
Carlos: Ah, yes. My favorite move in Benoit’s arsenal. Suicide dive a steel chair face first.
Fredo: Man, WCW should have done an angle where New Japan was trying to take over. It would have been so fucking good. Look at all these dudes. Look at Liger’s windbreaker game. Look at it.
Carlos: I don’t know what’s blowing my mind more: Chono sippin’ some hot sake or Liger’s windbreaker game putting Arn’s on notice.
Fredo: Guerrero and Benoit are going in with the reversals and deep as fuck armdrags. These two are incapable of having a bad match.
Carlos: Shades of the game changing matches we’d have in my yard 15 years ago. Best friends. Stiffer enemies. Hour long matches ending in superkicks or lariats to the bridge of the nose.
Fredo: I feel like there’s one of these from Eddie every match, and every single time he has the sickest air.
Carlos: The only thing missing is blatant Bobby Heenan racism. Call that a “flying burrito” or bust.
Fredo: MAN. Guerrero practically dropped Benoit on his head with that brainbuster. Just really contributing to that double homicide/suicide fund for him.
Carlos: That fund overfloweth.
Fredo: Benoit nails Eddie with such an intense superplex. Dude was intense in everything he did. You’d think he’d maybe take it easy on a suplex from the top. Nah, gonna try to make Eddie the real first victim.
Carlos: Benoit likes taking neck bumps even when he’s dishing out offense. Fuck it. WHAT’S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN?
Fredo: Mother of god, he almost powerbombed Guerrero out of his skin. He gives no fucks about Guerrero’s well-being. I like dat.
Carlos: That’s the most absurd powerbomb I’ve seen since the last time Benoit powerbombed the shit out of Guerrero.
Fredo: Benoit nails Eddie with a German followed by a beautiful Northern Lights with a bridge. Eddie has been getting his ass handed to him this match.
Carlos: “Imma cry when you die Eddie, but I’mma help you get there with the quickness.”
Fredo: Eddie foils a back suplex attempt back into the ring and turns it into a cross body with a cover for the three! Ref didn’t see his foot on the ropes. Bad luck, Benoit. It’s a foreshadowing of no one seeing that Kevin Sullivan is the man truly behind the death of you and your family. I know he is.
Carlos: I’m pretty sure Kevin Sullivan watched this match from the curtain. “He’s losing his mind…and I’m reaping all the benefits.”
Fredo: Back in the babyface locker room, Sting is cutting some promo yeah yeah whatever. Here is Dave fucking Sullivan holding a bunny rabbit you marks. WHERE YA AT RAW? WHAT YA GOT?
Carlos: Evad Sullivan > Team WWF < a bag of human shit > Lex Luger
Fredo: Bischoff announces what I could have told you from the beginning of Nitro as we have our main event and it’s coming up now!
Match #4: Sting vs Ric Flair
Fredo: Sting is out first and he is pissed. You don’t use little Stingers to fool Sting, Ric. Ya just don’t.
Carlos: Still can’t believe Flair stabbed him in the back.
Fredo: Flair is out and he is straight up looking like a 40 year old dad with a bad tan on the beach.
Carlos: I need to get in Flair shape.
Fredo: Sting doesn’t wait long after the bell to start taking out his frustrations on Flair. This match will probably be a banger. These two are incapable of having bad matches too.
Carlos: “Y U SO MAD NIGGA I BEEN STABBIN’ YOU IN DA BACK LOL” – “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair
Fredo: Loved listening to Flair talk about how this was just part of their routine. A routine that involved gorilla press slams as part of their match formula. I’m hyped on it.
Carlos: He’s fucking right. I wanna see press slams. I wanna see Stinger Splashes. I wanna see chest pounding. I wanna see chops. I wanna see Flair flops. I want dudes chuggin’ cocks. WHERE THE AMERICAN MALES AT? I’M HYPED.
Fredo: Flair does his turnbuckle flip and gets caught with a clothesline from Sting. If you aren’t on hyped on that then you need to get the fuck out of my face.
Carlos: Man, if Flair pulled that spot out one more time on WWE programming I’d lose my mind. Then I’d openly weep because he’d likely die right there.
Fredo: Sting gets fooled and misses a big splash onto the guard rail. That dude in the front is totally disgusted.
Carlos: Those dudes in hats are definitely DTF.
Fredo: Flair starts to lay into Sting with some chops and a back suplex. I’d rather take 50 back suplexes from Natch’ than one chop. Real talk.
Carlos: I’d pay good money for a chop from Flair. That’s right, I’m a fucking Flair mark. I’d let him do it at my grandmother’s funeral. I don’t give a FUCK. Come see me, idiots.
Fredo: Uhh.. WOO! Get totally psyched on Flair using the ropes for leverage ya jabronies!
Carlos: TURN AROUND, PEE WEE.
Fredo: Sting straight up drags himself to the middle of the ring and gets pumped as fuck. Little Fredo was definitely getting so hyped you’d have to shoot a tranquilizer into his ass to calm him down. Sting is my cocaine you peons.
Carlos: The orange face paint and tights really highlighting Sting’s beautiful tan. Mmmm.
Fredo: Sting catches Flair with another gorilla before they exchange some blows and maneuvers. Sting is pretty fucking strong and has great stamina. Both dudes have been selling their asses off but they’re going strong.
Carlos: JR is…okay with all of this.
Fredo: Oooh shit. The dirtiest player in the game nails Stinger with some knucks. What a fucking savage.
Carlos: Flair strut til I die.
Fredo: Sting with some savage shit of his own as he gets pumped and no sells punches and chops from Flair. It must take every ounce of his being not to show pain from a chop. Or maybe he does cocaine until he can’t feel. I don’t know.
Carlos: It looks like Pee Wee just punched through Sting’s heart. My dude’s arm is long as hell.
Fredo: This match has been a well-paced banger. Does Flair need to take a superplex from the very top? Nah, but fuck it.
Carlos: Pee Wee trying to catch both of them. Why? True love.
Fredo: Sting locks in the Scorpion Death Lock. AKA the best version of the sharpshooter done by anyone and especially better than every jabroni in the WWF.
Carlos: Not Owen, though. Team WCW does not view “The King of Harts” Owen Hart as a jabron. King of Harts. Not Jabrons.
Fredo: Sting is savage as hell right now. He won’t let go! The whole babyface locker room empties out to pry his ass off Flair.
Carlos: Sting’s best friends: Eddie Guerrero and Mr. JL.
Fredo: Sting is still feeling it. That betrayal gets him heated.
Carlos: You broke my heart, Ric.
Fredo: Sting runs back for more and no one can stop him apparently. Probably on PCP.
Carlos: Took a quick bump before he ran back in.
Fredo: What’s this? I thought I’d get away with no Luger tonight. Why have I been forsaken by the gods?
Carlos: WE WERE SO CLOSE.
Fredo: Luger whispers something mysterious into Sting’s ear and he drops the hold. What could he have possibly said? Probably promised him some Somas in the back.
Carlos: “I’ll step in front of a train if you let go.”
Fredo: We have that great main event, but nah let’s end Nitro with a segment. Fine.
Carlos: Gotta advance Hogan’s storyline even if he is hanging out with Macho Man and a rollerblading, guitar shredding, crackhead.
Fredo: Apparently Jimmy Hart had power of attorney for Hogan. The contract with the Giant stipulates that if Hogan lost by DQ, he’d lose the title. Say hello to your new champ! Or wait..
Fredo: Good thing Gene just happens to have a WCW attorney he knows around. According to him, Bockwinkel and the WCW board decided due to the dubious nature of the title change, they would put the title up at World War 3! That’s huge! Giant looks perplexed as fuck.
Carlos: At 29, I still have no clue how the fuck this worked out.
Fredo: That’s all for this week. Tune in for next week as we will for sure have another banger for you.