While the B show losers are pitching tents over a stupid dog; the real wrestling show has got me diagnosed with full blown HYPETISM, because:
DOK FUCKING HENDRIX is on commentary! *DJ HORN* McMahon looking silently dumb in the presence of Dok P.S. Hendrix.
JOEY: I genuinely do not understand being that hyped on Dok Hendrix.
Shout out to Full Metal Jacket/Rod Farva in the front row.
JOEY: Exactly how I looked when I found out Hendrix was on commentary – like I had an angry shit to take.
RAW kicks off with The British Bulldog going one on one with the lame one: Marty Jannetty.
Jannetty, surprisingly literally everyone I’m sure, taking early control of the match. The “quickness” of Marty is on full display here. Jannetty rocks Davey Boy with a big enziguri that flips Bulldog over! The tides turn when Bulldog catches Jannetty with a big military press, and drops him throat first across the top rope. Bulldog follows it up with a big back body drop.
Clarence Mason cuts in to inform that after several FAXES to the office of awful President Gorilla Monsoon, The British Bulldog will get what is rightfully his: a match against whomever is the WWF Champion at In Your House! This is definitely a big win for Cornette and the Bulldog.
Back in the ring, Davey Boy hits a beautiful stalling suplex. Jannetty is on the business end of some high power, hard and heavy offense from The British Bulldog. Jannetty briefly turns things around with a crucifix pin, before getting nearly decapitated via a big lariat from Bulldog.
After a commercial break, both men get downed by a double shoulder tackle. Jannetty is starting to mount a big comeback when he busts out this gem:
Marty Jannetty, definitely buff…definitely the stuff, and the girls definitely can’t get enough. Jannetty just hits Bulldog with a flip over Stone Cold Stunner like it ain’t no thang. Jannetty looks to capitalize on this opportunity by ascending to the top rope. His attempt at a diving fist drop fails as Bulldog gets out of the way. Jannetty was able to land on his feet though, and the Bulldog catches a big DDT.
Bulldog has top notch ring awareness and gets his foot on the bottom rope to break up the three count. Jannetty whips Bulldog into the corner. Bulldog is able to sidestep Marty’s next attack, which leaves Jannetty wide open to fail victim to the Running PowerSlam.
JOEY: Quick question: how much longer until we don’t have to endure anymore fucking Marty Jannetty matches? He has to get bounced eventually, right?
After the match, Dok Hendrix gets in a quick word with the Bulldog and Cornette.
James E. Cornette is happy with Clarence Mason’s results and that The British Bulldog will get another shot at the WWF Champion come the December In Your House event. Cornette also touches on the Wild Card Survivor Series match. Cornette still isn’t happy that his guys Owen Hart and British Bulldog are on opposing teams. Bulldog doesn’t trust any of his teammates, but has a special warning for “The Heart Break Kid” Shawn Michaels:
I’m not a big fan of Cornette and all his outdated, backwards thinking and his stupid AF rants he goes on online; but back in the day he could HYPE the fuck out of a match. He was WWF’s answer to Paul Heyman.
We get reminded what’s awaiting us in this edition of RAW’s main event. I’m very bummed to say that Isaac Yankem is the only one still actively wrestling.
In the back, the team of Bret Hart and Hakushi, along with his cultural rabbi Barry Horowitz, are seen going over their game plan.
JOEY: What advice could Barry Jabronowitz possibly be giving Bret Hart and Hakushi? Get out of here.
After the commercial break, we get a recap of the past Saturday’s Superstars. In particular, Bam Bam Bigelow challenging Goldust to a match. Goldust had this to say:
The next match pits Henry O. Godwinn up against Terry Richards.
The future Rhino doesn’t give the pig farmer much of a challenge. He quickly falls victim to the Slop Drop.
The Slop Drop, of course, is the best “Drop” reverse DDT in all of wrestling. Cry about it Fre.
After the match, Hunter Hearst Helmsley comes out and hits a Pedigree on Godwinn on the outside. Adding insult to injury:
Ahhhh, my favorite portion of the show: Dok Hendrik loads up on coke and bounces around talking about Survivor Series. Without further ado, here’s Coke Hendrik:
Ah shit, it’s Todd Pettingill – get this jabroni off my television. Here’s two more matches added to the Survivor Series event.
The Undertaker captains his team “The Darkside” to battle against King Mable and his team “The Royals.” While Taker’s team on the surface looks so hodgepodge together, in reality behind the scenes these guys are members of the OTHER backstage group – Bone Street Krew.
JOEY: Stoked! When Taker comes back, he’s going to have the Phantom of the Opera mask on.
And made official during a recent episode of Superstars, Goldust is on a collision course with the Beast From the East!
SUCK IT ISIS! AND ALSO SUCK IT TEAM WCW!
Up next “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase leads “The Supreme Fighting Machine” Kama into battle against Tony Roy.
Despite taking an early advantage on the Million Dollar Corporation’s Kama, the perennial loser falls victim to a big knock-out punch by Kama. Before the match gets going, WWF decided this would be the most oppurtune time to shill its merchandise. Considering the fact that it is 1,000 pogs they are completely correct.
JOEY: As a grown up, I want nothing to do with pogs. As a kid, however, I was way into those things. Little Joey would be fully torqued looking at that picture.
Before getting to the main event, I just wanted to take a sidebar and give props to without question the smartest person in the arena tonight:
Which is definitely this lady who a) brought a dry erase board with her and b) used said board to preach the gospel! Thanks to this lady, WCW was finally seen by a world wide audience.
Up next is the big tag team main event! Hakushi and Bret “The Hitman” Hart team up to take on Jerry “The King” Lawler and Isaac Yankem DDS. Bret has been embroiled in this heated feud with Lawler and by extension Yankem for some time now. Hart and Yankem start the match against each other. Bret takes the advantage early on, thanks to Yankem missing a shoulder tackle.
The blown attack paints a target on the demented dentist’s shoulder that the Hitman is more than happy to take aim at. Hart tags in Hakushi who comes in off the top rope with a diving headbutt. Hakushi brings an innovative offense style when he hits a handspring back elbow on Isaac.
Does 1995 RAW just watch RAWs from the future for move ideas? Hart comes in and continues the assault on Yankem DDS. The shoulder is targeted again by The Hitman. Bret hits a big running cross body and goes for a pin. He gets a two count, but Isaac, in kicking out tosses Bret to the outside. Bret from the apron hits a big slingshot sunset flip pin.
After drawing another two count, Hart tags in Hakushi. Hakushi goes for the handspring back elbow again, but this time Isaac hits him with a big lariat to the back of the head. Seizing the opportunity, Yankem goes to dump Hakushi to the outside; however Hakushi hangs on and lands on the apron. Hakushi hits a big springboard dropkick to Isaac’s back, and sends the dentist out of the ring.
Hakushi goes for a tope suicida, but is caught by Isaac. The good doctor rams Hakushi into the steel ring post back first. Focused on the back of his opponent, Yankem slams him into the side of the ring. The action heads back between the ropes, and Isaac drops Hakushi with a big backbreaker. Jerry Lawler gets tagged in and immediately brings out the heavy artillery.
TWO huge Piledrivers by the King of Mullets.
JOEY: Seriously, I can’t concentrate. I just keep looking out for that mullet.
King opts not to pin his opponent but rather to call in his dentist to continue the attack. Coming back from a commercial break, Yankem has Hakushi locked into a bear hug, which gets broken up by an ear clap. Isaac goes for a big boot which gets caught, and Hakushi trips him up. Hakushi lands a dropkick, the second one gets reversed and turned into Boston crab!
Hart runs in to break up the submission attempt. Isaac tags in the King, who connects with three fist drops. Lawler comes off the top rope, but is met with a punch to the throat. Hart comes in off the hot tag and opens up on Isaac.
After a running bulldog on the DDS, he forces Lawler and Yankem to have a “meeting of the minds.” Yankem is on the wrong side of three of the “FIVE MOVES OF DOOM”: Russian legsweep, middle rope elbow drop and the coup de grâce The Sharpshooter!
King comes in with a chair, Horowitz comes in to take the chair away. The ref who was trying to restrain Hakushi from coming in, turns and sees Horowitz holding the chair and immediately calls for the bell and awards the match to Isaac Yankem and Jerry Lawler via disqualification.
JOEY: Barry Horowitz losing matches. Man, what a surprise.
Please join us as we present the following matches
“The Bad Guy” Razor Ramon puts the Intercontinental Championship on the line against Psycho Sid, and the 1-2-3 Kid will be serving as the special guest referee. In addition, the championship CAN be lost due to disqualification or count out.
JOEY: Surprisingly stoked for that.
Hunter Hearst Helmsley takes on Henry O. Godwinn. Revenge is on the pig farmer’s mind, after getting slopped this week by the Connecticut Blue Blood.
Just a few weeks ahead of his Wild Card Survivor Series match, Ahmed Johnson will debut at RAW next week!
JOEY: Double meh.
Also, WWF Champion “Big Daddy Cool” Diesel will meet face-to-face with his Survivor Series challenger Bret “The Hitman” Hart!
JOEY: I hope that’s as interesting as I want it to be.
Please join us next week for all that and more!