The Ridiculous 6 Is Too Terrible To Finish

the ridiculous 6

You’re probably asking yourself the same question I am right now: “Why? Why Jerry, why would you do this to yourself?” The answer simply is so that YOU don’t have to.

Nevertheless, presented purely so nobody else watches it, is my review of Adam Sandler’s latest “movie” (using the term very loosely): “The Ridiculous 6.”

I’m also taking bets on how long into the movie I decide to give up – I’m saying the 35 minute mark.

Because "Fucking Awful 6" was too long of a title
“Fucking Awful 6” was too long of a title

Currently, I am three minutes and thirty-eight seconds into this two hour opus of garbage. I, as a 28 year old white male, have been offended by some “sight gags.” Those gags are two signs prominently displayed on a shop reading “NO INJUNS ALLOWED” and “MAIZE MUNCHERS SHOT ON SIGHT.” These signs are probably telling omens of what awaits me. I’ve just noticed that the Netflix rating for this is 4 1/4 stars! People up-voting this are definitely Trump supporters.

Apparently, Sandler is playing a white guy that dressed up like a Native American; I’m not too sure. Sandler and his female Native American companion happen upon the “Left Eye Gang.” A gang member just called the female Native American ‘Pocha-HOT TITS” – which isn’t even clever. Adam Sandler is called “White Knife” and the female Native American (who I won’t bother to look up her real name as to help her save face) is “Smoking Fox” – WHO THE FUCK WROTE THIS?

PERFECT! The Native Americans speak in broken sentences; how did this get made in 2015?

Nick Nolte must have been confused, he is actually turning out a pretty solid performance. Didn’t his agent tell him this isn’t a real movie?  Hold up, Nolte’s acting is instantly negated by another female Native American called “Never Wears Bra,” and she had a sex dream about White Knife. Nolte plays Sandler’s estranged father who has sought out his lost son to tell him that he is dying.

In his final days, Nolte isn’t looking to reconcile with Sandler, but he wants Sandler to find the $50,000 Nolte buried. Nolte’s former gang shows up to lay claim to the money as well. The gang is now headed by Machete, so that’s kind of cool…I guess. Sandler needs to come up with $50,000 to save his father from being murdered by the gang, so he can continue to live only to die later due to natural causes.

Instead of playing on the golf circuit, Sandler’s preferred method of money making for family members, he decides to steal the money. I guess, in attempt to balance out all the fucking horrible racist stereotypes about Native Americans, an elder informs Sandler that there is no honor in stealing money rather than earning it. Thankfully they avoid some tasteless casino joke and Sandler says he’ll only steal from those that have stolen, bringing a karmic balance to life.

23 minutes in, I want to blow my fucking brains out. Oh fuck this, Rob Schneider, I’m checking out. Though at this point, I’d be surprised if he wasn’t in a Sandler movie.

THE GODS ANSWER MY PRAYERS

Nah, I'm good
Nah, I’m good

Rob Schneider plays Sandler’s Mexican half-brother, again somehow offending me in the process. Schneider is first seen tending to a donkey, pretty sure they’re implying he fucks the donkey. A portion of the budget for this movie was set aside to CGI a Donkey/Explosive Diarrhea gag (and I just typed a sentence I never want to type again).

Never mind, the movie just drew me back in: TAYLOR LAUTNER is in it. Glad to see he can bounce back since playing SharkBoy. I’m assuming we’ve now met one half of the titular “Ridiculous Six.” Oh ok, he’s playing a mentally handicapped character…Sandler and Co. trying to hit the Yahtzee of Offensiveness.

YES! Maybe you didn’t get enough of it the first time, so there’s ANOTHER Donkey/Shit gag!!

The movie has been interrupted by an error for the third time, Netflix finna save your boy from this torture.

Lautner is another person actually turning out a decent performance; which is ONCE AGAIN immediately negated by a scene where due to his positioning, it looks like Schneider’s donkey is blowing him but is in actuality eating a carrot. Lautner sounds like he’s doing his best Forrest Gump impersonation and it’s fucking great! I’m going to boldly say that Lautner is the best part of this movie thus far.

35:31 into this shit fest, and they done changed the game, three words: DONKEY! FART! JOKE! This is definitely making me wish I was watching “Paul Blart 2.” Is it possible that this is the true intention of this god forsaken pile of crap caught on film? Adam Sandler purposely makes bad movies to drive up interest in his friends bad-but-not-as-bad movies? Either that or to keep the Razzies still relevant – I’m not sure yet.

At 40 minutes and 28 seconds, Hurley from “Lost” is on screen. He is playing some kind of feral savage or something along those lines, I can’t be certain. It’s at this time, that he starts pantomiming that Nolte and his mother had sex. This will forever be the last thing I see of this shitty piece of shit.

I knew going into this movie, it was going to be bad; I just wish I knew HOW bad it was going to be. An infuriatingly immature script eclipses at least two “better than this movie deserves” performances. It’s a shame to see a shit script bog down comedy heavy hitters like Will Forte, Steve Zahn, Luke Wilson, Terry Crews, and Chris Parnell. I really hate to dump on Sandler like this, because I don’t want to seem like I’m jumping on the internet’s favorite bandwagon – but he really does deserve it for this one.

I truly believe the only saving grace Happy Madison Productions has in its portfolio is “The Goldbergs,” and I’m pained to associate the two. Long story short: this movie should be avoided at all costs, there is absolutely nothing redeeming about it.

FEATURED IMAGE CREDIT: © 2015 Netflix

Jerry Mascolo
JerryMascolo@Gmail.com