Welcome to the October 30th, 1995 edition of the Monday Nerdo War! Coral and Fredo of the Tiger Driver ’91 Podcast are here to bring you that WCW fuego. It’s the night after Halloween Havoc and some shit went down. Let’s see if The Yeti makes another appearance. Let’s see if I mercifully drop dead before it happens!
Carlos: The squad is discussing the events that unfolded last night at Halloween Havoc. The Brain said he hasn’t been able to sleep since. Likely thinks The Yeti and Giant are going to hug-fuck him in his dreams.
Fredo: A fate much better than calling the action with Mongo for an hour.
Carlos: They are gonna play some footage later of what went down. Trying to keep it all real vague. So mysterious. So shocking. So awful.
Carlos: You buggin’ if you thought Pepe wasn’t about to get some shine in that bangin’ Sister Sherri costume he put together. Pepe fears no Yeti. For he is the one that does any and all hug-fucking.
Fredo: To be clear: the Sherri costume he’s referring to is “small, hairy bitch.”
Match 1: Sgt. Craig “Pitbull” Pittman vs Eddie Guerrero
Carlos: Did…Pittman just get pyro during his entrance?
Fredo: Arn Anderson gets the already-in-the-ring treatment on more than one episode, but Pittman gets a fucking entrance? Bischoff has a dark, fucked up sense of humor.
Carlos: If you put a red mask over Pittman’s eyes he looks like a Ninja Turtle. Now, that’s not racists. Becoming a Ninja Turtle would be an upgrade for the Pitbull.
Fredo: Also, if you put a gas mask on him, but just ran liquid shit through the air-holes…then I’d never have to see Craig again.
Carlos: Jacket Lvl: Expert.
Fredo: Mustache level: Italian restaurant dishwasher.
Carlos: I’m not really hyped on this match, but I’ll give it a shot. Pittman isn’t as hardbody as a Malenko or Benoit, so they start out having a little amateur exchange. Pittman wants to ground Eddie.
Carlos: Looks like things are getting down and dirty. Pittman’s brawling a little more and working on Eddie’s arm. Obviously setting up for The Code Red aka the armbar that changed the game.
Fredo: Word. I would have preferred a different code red. The one where someone pulls the fire alarm and the arena has to evacuate and we never have to watch this match.
Carlos: Eddie fires back with a leg lariat. Looks a little more like he flung his thick Mexican booty at Pittman and he had no idea what to do with all that junk inside that trunk.
Fredo: Not the first time Pittman has had straight up man ass in his fucked up face.
Carlos: WOW. Pittman fires back with a lariat. Crowd went silent for a while but that brought them back into it.
Fredo: That was a straight up club to the body. I don’t think Eddie was selling.
Carlos: Pee Wee utterly shocked by the creative offense he sees coming from Pittman. Can a black man not have ring awareness, Pee Wee? DON’T BE A FUCKING RACIST, PEE WEE.
Fredo: Nah, man. It’s not racist. My man has just never seen Pittman go so deep into a match before. He’s pleasantly surprised to see the advanced arsenal Pittman’s got armed.
Carlos: Pittman flings Eddie over with a belly to belly suplex. I’ll give it to the guy, he’s definitely trying.
Carlos: That springboard crossbody was perfect. Eddie’s starting to get a following in the crowd. He’s been cheered through most of the match. Keep cheering him, y’all. He’s gonna become an evil Mexican that tortures Rey Mysterio Jr. soon enough. Walk out to the ring holding the Cruiserweight title like he doesn’t give a fuck cause he’s hungover on tequila.
Fredo: Hyped on him being my papi soon.
Carlos: Pittman tries to mount some more offense but Eddie rolls him up for the win! To think, if it wasn’t for the events of last night this match would’ve been Eddie Guerrero vs Macho Man………..yep. No big deal. NO. BIG. DEAL. Why even tell me that? FUCK.
Fredo: Word, Pitbull was a suitable replacement for Mach’. Nah, just kill me.
Match 2: Scott “Flash” Norton vs The Shark
Carlos: Poor John Tenta. Look at that face paint. It’s like he had it done at a kid’s party.
Fredo: There is no doubt in my mind that Tenta wants to be devoured by a shark right now. Some weird species of land shark that is on a steady diet of jabroni.
Carlos: Norton looks like a beaver in that pic. Like his two front teeth are chicklets. By the way, this match stems from their altercation on the 9/11/95 episode of Nitro. It’s October 30th. Cruel to make the fans wait so long for a match THEY HAD NO FUCKING INTEREST IN IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Fredo: This was the first actual tragedy of 9/11. Depriving me of this match so fucking long. JK, the actual match is worse than 9/11 because this actually happened.
Carlos: A 2 minute long back and forth lock up. Could this match have begun any other way? Mongo mentions that Heenan left the announce booth during the commercial and hadn’t returned. Brain had the right idea.
Fredo: Yeah, this match could have begun with a meteor crashing into the Earth and ending our misery.
Carlos: OH SHIT. Shark just flung Norton over with a pretty beautiful belly to belly. They exchange some big man moves here and there.
Carlos: Norton just flew off the top with a huge shoulder block! He almost didn’t make it and Shark doesn’t go down. If I was Norton and Shark didn’t bump for that I’d probably feel some type a way.
Carlos: It’s like Wrestlemania III all over again, Fre. The slam heard round the world. Professional wrestling will never be the same…AGAYNE.
Fredo: They’d be lucky if that slam was heard anywhere near WCW Worldwide. I guess the crowd did kinda pop for it. Could be because it was the second move we’ve seen in this match.
Carlos: Damn, Sonny Ono got it like that. He can set up a romantic dinner with The Brain with some servants and a sushi spread in the middle of Nitro.
Carlos: Both men are counted out! Looks like Norton is ripping the meanest ass in that picture and The Shark has no idea how to handle it.
Fredo: Looks like Norton is having a far better match with that ring post than Tenta.
Carlos: I hope these guys have a best of 5 series. I don’t.
Fredo: It’d still be better anything going on on RAW. Nah. But yeah.
Carlos: We’re back from commercial and holy shit Tony Schiavone. Bummed he isn’t overweight, bitter and in a Hawiian shirt like he showed up on TNA. That’s my favorite Schiovane.
Fredo: In due time, Coral. Tony actually thinks that maybe if he works tonight he can take off Saturday. Nah, Tony. You are literally the only jabroni left to call Saturday Night for the 3 people that still watch.
Carlos: Flair turned on Sting at Halloween Havoc!?! The Horsemen re-united!?! All of them beat the fuck out of STING!?!?! YA DON’T SAY. I HAD NO IDEA. I’M STUNNED. BETRAYED. BEWILDERED. RIC FLAIR COULDN’T BE TRUSTED? WELL, BY GOD. WHO THE FUCK KNEW? CERTAINLY NOT STING.
Fredo: I really thought that this time would be different. I really thought Sting could trust Flair while being in the same ring as his long time friend and ally Arn Anderson and a savage motherfucker like Pillman 9mm. Man, I love you Sting, but you dumbAF.
Carlos: That might be my favorite picture ever. The three of them talk about looking for the final member. You know, I can’t remember who it was. Weird. Add another dude to the list of dudes that beat the fuck out of Sting while holding up four fingers. I’m hyped. As long as it isn’t Paul Roma. Roma, you’re the worst.
Fredo: Gonna go ahead and assume that Paul Roma was never permitted to touch Sting. It’s like letting a retard next to your favorite set of glassware.
Carlos: Alright, here comes Saturday Night’s card!
Carlos: Saturday Night bringing straight fire. Do you know how much of a mind fuck it is that fake Ultimate Warrior tags with future fake Sting? RIP Renegade the winner of the first ever Tiger Driver ’91 Podcast’s King Jabron Tournament. May you fly with the angels.
Fredo: This is actually a pretty decent card. Harlem Heat vs Blue Bloods is going to be fire. I’m hyped on Cobra and I’m baffled that I never nominated for the King Jabron tournament. I’d say he would have been a top contender, but he never killed himself. It would have been close.
Match 3: Sabu vs Disco Inferno
Carlos: In a perfect world the production team would make it look like Sabu snorted a line across the top of his name graphic.
Fredo: Man… yes.
Carlos: This is the night of weird fucking matches. Each match is 50% legend 50% why this guy? Why not give us Sabu vs Guerrero and have Norton destroy Disco? That shit already got me erect.
Fredo: I’m willing to bet that Norton and Eddie also could have had a good match, you still could have had Sabu beat the fuck out of Disco, and Pittman could have been sent back to fuckboi township to do whatever the hell he does.
Carlos: I’m way too hyped on those tights.
Carlos: Sabu opens the match by right handing the fuck outta Disco and follows it up with a spring board leg lariat. That’s right, first move of the match. Sabu doesn’t give a shit.
Carlos: Sabu springboard dropkicks the hell outta Disco. Disco takes a nasty bump on the back of his head. You think that hair cushions the blows?
Carlos: That’s a wrap. Sabu flips inside from the apron and drops that leg drop across Disco’s face. I have a feeling that this isn’t it for Disco.
Carlos: Ah, yes. Disco just ate that fucking table.
Fredo: Now I can say that disco is truly dead.
Carlos: JESUS. Sabu looks like he’s about to give birth to a hand in that second picture. There’s a kid in the front row just pointing and laughing at ‘em. Wish that blind coke rage kicked in and he Arabian face busted that kid’s grandma to make a point.
Fredo: I like how the match is over and there is absolutely no point to any of this, but he chooses to nearly snap his fucking back in half on this table. But yeah, I also want to watch him stomp mima’s fucking face in. Old bitch.
Match 4: “The Total Package” Lex Luger and Meng vs The American Males
Carlos: Get hyped Fre, cause it’s main event time you pussy. My underwear just got tighter. I sense The American Males are near.
Fredo: Do you smell them? I imagine they smell like cigarettes and gay night club.
Carlos: Looks like Luger and Jimmy Hart turned on Hogan last night. Fuck you, Luger. Completely unrelated to turning on Hogan. Just in general, honestly.
Fredo: Luger could have saved a bus full of 9/11s from 9/11ing and I would have still told him to go fuck himself.
Fredo: DAMN ALBINO BABY CORAL HYPED AS FUCK FOR THE AMERICAN MALES.
Carlos: That little kid represents how hyped I, too, was on The American Males. 9 year old Carlito just intrigued by the life of the males. From America.
Fredo: I wish that they would have influenced you into achieving your actual dream of becoming a gay gigolo. Or juggalo.
Carlos: This match started and immediately went to commercial break. We’re back and The Males are working on Luger’s arm.
Carlos: That…may have been the ugliest back body drop I’ve ever seen. I’m not sure who fucked that up, but it looked like Luger just lightly slid off Riggs’ back. Beautiful. Meng just called ’em “fucking jabrons” in Tongan.
Fredo: I like how the commentary’s only comment was “nice.” Nice — which is Latin for “jesus christ, Luger you are a worthless sack of garbage and you should have been aborted by your whore mother.” I took two years of Latin in high school so that is 100% true.
Carlos: After some shenanigans the Dungeon takes control. Why you wanna go and make Meng mad? Meng will push your shit in with the quickness.
Carlos: Meng chopped the fuck outta Riggs. Luger and Meng are just going in. Keep Luger on the apron though, Meng. Plz.
Fredo: I’m not sure why Luger is even out here. You could have brought just Meng out here against both Males and I would have totally believed that he could single-handedly beat them.
Carlos: Bagwell gets the hot tag and Totally Buff collide!
Carlos: Well, that didn’t last too long 🙁 Some more Jimmy Hart and Taskmaster shenanigans led to sneaky Tongan Meng kicking the fuck outta both Riggs and Bagwell. Luger was able to pick up the win with the Torture Rack. I hate you, Lex.
Fredo: I like how Meng just didn’t feel like waiting for Bagwell to be ready for that kick and just clubbed him in the back of the head.
Carlos: YEAH, THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE TREATS FOR PEPE, BRAIN. Pepe watches on, approvingly.
Fredo: This was a fine act in honor of Pepe, but he’s still going to kill your worthless ass in due time.
Carlos: Alright, the truck has the footage from what went down last night. Let’s try something. See if you can keep track of how many people turned or attacked Hogan in order to keep him down. Cause, you know, a clean win over Hogan wasn’t gonna happen. If Hogan was going down, there was going to be a novel’s worth of storyline to go with it.
Fredo: I’d also like to point out the absurd amount of time it takes for footage to travel to wherever they are. I totally bought it when I was little though. I imagined an armored vehicle carrying this precious cargo to the arena. Thieves everywhere looking to steal the fucking gold that was the prior night’s Halloween Havoc. Haha, idiots, wait til you see the monster truck match.
Carlos: Yo, boot game: tight. I’d wear the fuck outta those on casual Friday.
Fredo: I’d wear those exclusively for fucking.
Carlos: JIMMY HART. I FORGOT HE TURNED DURING THIS ANGLE, TOO. You’re lucky you wrote great theme songs and got a tight hair and jacket game or I’d be disappointed.
Carlos: If using the “N” word loosely didn’t kill Hulkamania, did Jimmy Hart really think hitting Hogan with the belt would? Come on, Jimmy.
Fredo: Yeah, Coral. It’s going to take a lot more than racism to end Hulkamania LOL.
Carlos: “IT’S…THE YE-TAY.” I need to know if they told Tony to pronounce it like that, or that was his own decision. I need to know exactly who to make fun of. The only thing that makes this used two ply toilet paper looking motherfucker seem even less intimidating is Schiovane yelling “YE-TAY” over and over again like someone’s elbow deep in his ass and that’s his safe word.
Fredo: Don’t be silly. Tone so fucking loose his safe word is absolute silence.
Carlos: Why even drag Macho Man into this? Poor guy. WAIT….SO BECAUSE OF THIS WE COULDN’T GET GUERRERO AND SAVAGE ON NITRO?
Carlos: Look at that sweet, sweet hug-fucking. The Yeti just walked around like a mummy sometimes. Sometimes he didn’t. Really having trouble grasping his character…of the YE-TAY.
Fredo: I’m so hyped on Hogan getting awkwardly fucked to unconsciousness. I’m equally as hyped on him blatantly being a mummy and not a fucking yeti at all. Maybe a YE-TAY is a different creature. A creature that likes to wrap himself in used toilet paper and pound strange men in the mouf.
Carlos: Five. Five fucking people. 2 turns. 1 interference. 1 debut. 1 Giant. Jimmy Hart and Luger turned. The Yeti and The Giant hug-fucked him. The taskmaster plotted Benoit’s murder. MAN, WHAT? WHY COULDN’T HOGAN JUST GO DOWN?
Fredo: You heard it here first. Hogan killed the Benoits with his selfishness.
Carlos: Wait, GIANT DIDN’T EVEN WIN THE MATCH? I completely forgot about that. The match was thrown out and Hogan is still the champion. The Giant just TOOK the belt. O word? Yeah, nah, that’s great.
Fredo: Hogan gets beat down by 5 men but still can’t drop the title for a couple of weeks. Gonna finish filming Thunder in Paradise but no way that nigga not going to be champion. Gotta get paid and get laid like the champ, baby.
Carlos: That’s all for this week’s Nitro, guys! Next week’s episode is a fan interactive one. Nitro fan’s got to pick the matches they wanted to see. Breaking ground once again long before the WWF/WWE. SUCK IT TEAM WWF. TEAM WCW 4 LIFE.