Welcome to Week 8 of the Monday Nerdo War! I feel so bad for the guys over at WCW, mostly because they’re watching WWF’s throw away junk. Enjoy the jabronis we tossed aside: Luger and Beefcake.
The Main Event is for the WWF Women’s Championship. Bertha Faye defends her championship against former champion Alundra Blayze.
The first match on this edition of RAW is a 20 Man Battle Royal to determine the Number One Contender for the WWF Intercontinental Championship. Shawn Michaels is “forced” to vacate the championship following the “attack by a group of thugs.” The “Worst President not named Obama” President Monsoon awards the championship to Dean Douglas, who was scheduled to be Shawn’s opponent that night.
Dean then defends the title against “The Bad Guy” Razor Ramon:
That leads us to this Battle Royal to determine the Number One Contender. The participants are:
Hakushi, Bam Bam Bigelow, Aldo Montoya, 1-2-3 Kid, Savio Vega, Faut, Kama, Hunter Hearst Helmsley, King Kong Bundy, Henry O. Godwin, Bob Holly, Duke “The Dumpster” Droese, Barry Horowitz, Owen Hart, Skip, Marty Jannetty, Psycho Sid, Jean Pierre LiFette, Issac Yankem DDS, Brad Bradford.
Surprisingly, King Kong Bundy is the first man eliminated in the match. The usual mayhem of a battle royal ensues as wrestlers team up to try to eliminate other competitors in the match.A big portion of the eliminations occur during the commercial break, and when we return to live action, the remaining participants are: Sid, Bam Bam, Yankem, Owen, Jannetty, Vega and LiFette.
Yankem and Sid find themselves on the wrong side of the ropes and we’re left with Bam Bam, Owen, Jannetty, Vega and LiFette.
Bigelow is the next to make his exit and we’re down to the Final Four.
This doesn’t last for too long as Jannetty is able to handle Vega and LiFette. Owen tosses Jannetty to the outside, but it was through the middle rope – so Marty is not eliminated! While on the outside, James E. Cornette tries to get involved but has racket stolen from him by former Tag Team Champion.
Cornette is being chased around the ring by the former Rocker, when this happens:
The British Bulldog comes out to assist his brother-in-law! Davey Boy tosses Jannetty back inside the ring so Owen can wrap this up. Marty has some fight left in him though and takes it to the King of Harts with a big shoulder tackle.
JOEY: Marty Jabroni bustin’ out the big moves.
Jannetty goes for a second one but it gets counter and Owen gives him a prompt exit and wins the match. Afterwards Jerry Lawler gets some words from the new Number One Contender:
I just want to take a brief sidebar to say how I love King’s reaction as he realizes that Owen is sticking it to Bret by stealing his line. I know Team WCW, the masked idiots that they are, are hyped on some stupid dog at commentary; but WWF gets mid 90’s HEEL Jerry Lawler – arguably one of the best commentators.
JOEY: Heel Jerry Lawler is the best! Who does WCW have? The mongoloid behind that dumb dog, and Eric Bischoff? Tony Schiavone? I’ll give them Bobby “The Brain” Heenan. Love that dude. The rest can chug barrels full of D.
There’s a commercial for WWF WrestleMania the Arcade Game.
JOEY: I WANT IT!!!
We come back and get treated to my favorite part of the show: DOK HENDRIX!!
JOEY: You are definitely alone on that. When I was little, I hated Dok Hendrix. I bought a lot of the Coliseum Home Videos, and he hosted a bunch. Dude always made me feel uncomfortable. Like if he got too wrecked, he’d call me the n-word, and then get away with it – for some unexplained reason.
Dok bouncing around like he just ripped a fat rail of white lightning, and that’s just how I like him. We got two matches already announced for the 1995 edition of the Survivor Series. The first is random drawing Survivor Series match:
Interesting things to note about the teams: Razor beat Dean for the IC title and will defend it against Owen in one week’s time so he’s bound to find trouble on his team; Sid used to be HBK’s bodyguard; Bulldog has been running interference for Owen and Yoko. So there’s a lot at play here, interesting to see how this match unfolds.
JOEY: I bet it’s sweet. That’s a stacked lineup.
The second match scheduled is the WWF Champion Diesel defending against Bret Hart. They got into it a little at the previous In Your House when Hart was sitting in commentary during Diesel’s defense against Bulldog. Really hyped to see if Super Shredder can hit the JackKnife Powerbomb without tearing his quad.
JOEY: I’ve actually seen this match. If I remember correctly, it’s pretty dope. Hyped.
WWF has always been, and will always be a company of innovation! In that spirit, WWF proudly brings to you, never before seen anywhere else: a dude in a mask flying around the ring.
JOEY: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Al Snow looks dead inside. If I could read his mind during the moment the picture above was taken, I bet I’d hear, “I can’t believe I have to work this fucking gimmick!”
Avatar was definitely just a gimmick they made up to tie in to Karate Fighters, which I know is highly unusual for WWF to do. Anyway, this is the match we get as Alvatar fights Brian Walsh
Whatever, smaller masked dudes flying around the ring is stupid anyway.
JOEY: For real. Who needs Rey Mysterio, when you’ve got Al Snow in a mask?
It’s now time for the main event! Now, I’m not going to lie; I was prepping all my #DivasRevolution jokes and I watched this match and I gotta say by the end of it I was definitely into and hyped.
In the early onset of the match, Faye is throwing her weight around quite literally. Using her size and strength advantage against the smaller Blayze is what won her the championship in the first place. Vince McMang casually drops the fact that at 200+ pounds, Faye outweighs Blayze by 100 pounds.
Every time that Blayze tries to mount a comeback, Faye stops it dead in its tracks.
All looks to be absolutely hopeless for the challenger, until an opportunity arises:
A lot just happened, lets break that down. First, she did the Ric Flair Up and Over better than Flair. Next thing she does is casually invent “You Can’t See Me” a good decade before Cena. Deciding that wasn’t enough, she finishes it all off with some fancy top rope flying #SuckItLuchaBORES.
Unfortunately, Alundra’s dominance is short lived and Big Bertha is back on the offensive. Grounding her opponent, Bertha decides to climb up the ropes to end this match. Alundra has something different in mind:
Again, Alundra Blayze just coyly invents Trish Stratus’ move five years before Trish debuts. Pretty sure Blayze is part of the female wrestling Illuminati, which definitely exists. Once again, Blayze’s momentum is cut short. This time it’s thanks to Bertha’s manager Harvey Wippleman. Wippleman grabs Blayze is holding her against the ropes, Bertha charges at the helpless challenger:
I DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHO YOU ARE…IF SEEING ALUNDRA BLAYZE GERMAN SUPLEX BERTHA FAYE DIDN’T GET YOU HYPED THEN GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! IM HYPED AS FUCK RIGHT NOW, AND THIS SHIT HAPPENED TWENTY YEARS AGO.
JOEY: Jerry gettin’ a little too hyped on that traitorous wench. Take it down a bit. I’ll never forget, Alundra! Or is it Medusa? Yeah, that’s right, I know what’s coming. I looked into the crystal ball, and saw nothing but BETRAYAL!
But since this is 1995 WWF, we can’t just end the show on two women wrestling to honestly, one of the best matches early RAW has ever seen. Instead we close the night with Jim Ross interviewing Shawn Michaels.
Shawn looking bitch made AF. They took the ball and ran with this “gang of thugs beatdown” story. Let’s hear from the Heart Break Kid himself:
No wonder why Shane “Dean” Douglas would dedicate the rest of his life to calling you a “cocksucker.”
Waiting for us is “The Battle of the Legends”:
And the Intercontinental Championship Match that features two guys who should have been WWF Champion:
See you next week.