Team TD91 (Fre and Coral, naturally) are back to bring you another riveting and ultimately hilarious edition of WCW Monday Nitro!
Fredo: Nitro is live from Huntsville, Alabama this week and Bischoff made sure to remind us this is the home for NASA HQ, followed by some shitty pun. Hopefully they strap Luger to a rocket this week so I don’t have to see him on my screen. But with our luck he’ll be the first man to survive on Mars. Dumb motherfucker.
Carlos: I wish Luger starred in The Martian. I’d want him to die in the beginning of the film and then the next 90 minutes are a shot of his body floating through space.
Fredo: No announce team pics this week, which means no pics of Mongoloid McMichael. They’re jumping right into the first match!
Match #1: “Macho Man” Randy Savage vs Kurasawa
Fredo: Man, Savage is looking like the pinata I beat down at my fifth birthday party.
Carlos: He looks like he’s wearing the Saved By The Bell intro.
Fredo: Stoked that Kurasawa traveled all this way to already be in the fucking ring. They had the oddest choices for people to get the job entrances.
Carlos: As long as it makes room for an Arn Anderson entrance I’m cool.
Fredo: Macho Man isn’t taking any of Parker’s shit today as he shoves him down.
Carlos: Men that have been inside Sister Sherri clash.
Fredo: Kurasawa isn’t going to let Savage push his white owner around.
Carlos: JESUS. My dudes kicks have zero chill.
Fredo: Savage’s arm is fucked up and they keep reminding us that he broke Hawk’s arm. Naturally he’s going to kick the shit out of savage instead. Parker is hypedAF outside.
Fredo: Macho threw him to the outside and Kurasawa doesn’t give a fuck. Comes in and drops Savage on his back like he’s Elizabeth with a drug problem and living with Lex Luger. I mean…what?
Carlos: A very specific, but accurate, description of that maneuver.
Fredo: Man, he’s really beating the shit out of Savage, but it’s been a good match regardless of the one-sidedness.
Carlos: Savage was like Flair. Yeah, I’m probably gonna win this match, but I don’t mind getting my ass beat for a while to make things interesting.
Fredo: Kurasawa baseball slides into Savage, mocking him over his failed baseball career. Really attacking Mach’ on all fronts in this match.
Carlos: Also reminding him that his brother, The Genius, can suck his own dick.
Fredo: Damn, Kurawa looking to Hawk Savage’s arm.
Carlos: Hawk got his hands full with Disco Inferno these days. He’s got no time to help Mach.
Fredo: After a quick commercial break, we come back to Kuraswa slicing some roast beef off of Randy’s chest. Delish.
Carlos: Savage really letting Kurasawa push his shit in.
Fredo: Finally, Savage gets some breathing room as Kurasawa decides he doesn’t like the color of that ring post. Racist Japs.
Carlos: So that’s why Lesnar headbutts posts so hard? Never made the connection.
Fredo: After Kurasawa works his ass off and Savage sells for literally the whole match, he drops the elbow for the quick win over Kurasawa!
Carlos: That elbow always looks beautiful, tho.
Fredo: Kuraswa is bummedAF that he worked so hard and lost to one move. The kid in the back is bummed he got a jap in front of him. His daddy told him don’t ever trust no chinaman. So yeah.
Carlos: That kid also looks like he’s about to drop the mixtape of the century.
Fredo: Pepe is looking tight as all FUCK. Man, I wish this team was just Pepe and Heenan. Only team to come close to Heenan and Gorilla.
Carlos: As long as you pair Heenan up with animals we are good to go.
Fredo: Oh shit, The Master making an appearance on Nitro. What’s he got up his sleeve?
Carlos: My dude always looked like he was covered in cake mix.
Fredo: Honestly, he’s shouting a bunch of inaudible fucking nonsense, but what is this?
Fredo: Oh no, Coral. I know what is behind that sheet of ice. They’re saving the coup de grace for Halloween Havoc, but I’ll go ahead and save everyone’s sanity and well-being and spoil that this is the fucking Yeti. You know, the only yeti that I’ve seen LOOK LIKE A FUCKING MUMMY.
Carlos: HUG-FUCKING ON DECK. I’M HYPED.
Fredo: I spoke to soon. Sullivan is here to talk about their “insurance policy.” Man, that insurance policy is about as good as the fake insurance company my dad made for his cab company that he called “Manolito’s Insurance.” I’d bet that would do more damage to Hogan than The Yeti.
Carlos: Psyched “Manolito’s Insurance” just got a shoutout on this week’s Nitro review. Fuck.
Fredo: Giant trying to suck a couple of dicks here while Kevin Sullivan holds in a fart. No relevance, just a lucky screen shot.
Carlos: He’s going in on them dicks.
Fredo: Kevin Sullivan talking about the darkness in Hogan. Years later he will expel that darkness along with anything or one that is dark in his life.
Fredo: Gene introduces “the star of Thunder in Paradise” and out comes Hogan looking like a bouncer cast in a Police Academy movie.
Carlos: He still looks like a black dildo to me.
Fredo: Man, if we took a shot for every time he says “brother” in this promo, I’d be puking onto my own dick in seconds.
Fredo: Hogan with the quickest recovery from two broken necks I’ve ever seen.
Carlos: That tough hot dog skin regenerates quickly.
Fredo: There’s dissension in the ranks. Hogan doesn’t trust Sting, Savage, or Luger. Fuck Luger. That’s all I’ve really got for that.
Carlos: Especially fuck Luger.
Fredo: Fuck yes, the Saturday Night preview. This is our bread and butter, baybay.
Fredo: Saturday Night looking uh…tight? Looks like the second match is about to get under way.
Carlos: Wait, what’d you say? I wasn’t listening. I was too busy staring at that pic of the American Males *-*
Match #2: Dean Malenko and Chris Benoit vs Eddie Guerrero and Mr. JL
Fredo: Well, this team is absolutely ridiculous. I am hyped on this match.
Carlos: I’m disgustingly aroused.
Fredo: Looks like it was supposed to be Guerrero and Wright, but Al is injured so it’s Jerry Lynn taking the spot instead. No disrespect to Das Wunderkind, but I am far more stoked to see Mr. JL in this match.
Carlos: I don’t remember this match going down so my hype level is rising extensively.
Fredo: Benoit and Eddie start it off with a clinic because why the fuck not?
Fredo: You know, usually I’ll add a funny caption to these pics, but this is all fucking business. Already in this match, Malenko and cross bodied Eddie from the ring to the outside, and Benoit suicided onto his own partner. Little did we know this would not be the last time he would suicide his partner HIYO!
Carlos: Eddie looking a whole lot like gym equipment to Benoit at that moment.
Fredo: Eddie launches his own partner onto the two jabrons outside. This match isn’t even 3 minutes in and I’m fully erect.
Carlos: JR is definitely displeased.
Fredo: Eddie crushes Malenko’s back with this tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Fuck, this match is already phenomenal.
Carlos: Eddie’s tilt-a-whirl was always so sick.
Fredo: Stoked that they cut away from this phenomenal match to show me Scott Norton cuddle with The Shark. FUCK OUTTA HERE.
Carlos: THE FEUD THE WORLD WAS BEGGING FOR. COOL.
Fredo: Back to the action, Benoit and Malenko are working like a well-oiled machine.
CARLOS: Dare we say like a Dean-O……Machine………O?
Fredo: Benoit and Malenko are laying into Lynn and heeling the fuck out of Guerrero. This shit was mind blowing in 95.
Carlos: I’m bummed this dead end gimmick kept Lynn from a legitimate run in WCW. I would’ve loved to seen him mix it up with these guys on the regular.
Fredo: Benoit drives JL to the mat with a superplex but drops himself on the back of his own neck in the process. Oh, Chris. This is probably why you murdered your fam.
Carlos: Benoit always seemed to take sicker bumps than his opponents during his offense. It’s insane.
Fredo: Eddie finally comes in hot and is spraying us with that Latino flavor. Yeah, his dick.
Fredo: God damn, we say it every week but I miss Eddie. Dude flew around that ring like he was born to do it.
Carlos: He was so smooth. Everything looked effortless. Especially that mullet.
Fredo: Wright trips up Malenko with the crutches and JL is able to roll him up tight for the win! Never trust those sneaky Krauts.
Carlos: Daaaaaaamn. Shades of Berlyn.
Fredo: The fuck? Pillman comes out sporting the 4 fingers and attacks Guerrero from behind. Why? Who the fuck knows. LOOSE CANNON BABY THAT’S WHY.
Carlos: Dude just hates Mexicans.
Match #3: Harlem Heat vs Lex Luger & Sting
Fredo: Sister Sheri and Harlem Heat make their way out for this main event. I feel bad that these guys have to follow the tag match we just witnessed cuz god DAMN.
Carlos: Booker T and Sting have a long night ahead of them.
Fredo: Sting and Luger make their entrance. Bummed Luger is here but I’m always hyped to hear Sting’s theme song. And I guess Luger did have that great match with Sting against the Steiners.
Carlos: If you put at least 3 great workers in the ring with Luger they can make something happen. Stevie Ray is not that third worker.
Fredo: This kid is also torn between his undying love for the Stinger and his burning hate for Luger.
Carlos: Sting facepaint game on point?
Fredo: The fu manchu Sting is growing is really freaking me out. Looks like he straight up ate ass and never cleaned up.
Carlos: Now we know how he got Luger that job.
Fredo: People don’t give Sting enough credit. Dude was quick as fuck and flew around that ring.
Carlos: I like how his tights kind of match Harlem Heats. I wish he turned on Luger and became their crazy white friend.
Fredo: Fuck, that would have been great.
Fredo: Booker T drop kicks the fuck out of Luger. Too bad he didn’t dropkick him off this planet.
Carlos: Oddly enough, that’s how my version of The Martian starring Lex Luger opens.
Fredo: This match really isn’t that bad considering what they’re following. I guess an accomplished team like Harlem Heat and having Sting as a partner will really help your case if your name is Lex Luger. Jabroni motherfucker.
Fredo: Taking time out of this match to focus on the real fucking angle here. The love story between Col. Parker and Sister Sherri. Also in the background: Luger’s unimpressive peen.
Carlos: I was honestly wondering what happened to that game changing angle.
Fredo: Luger looking like he’s contemplating ending it all. Do it, Luger. Save Elizabeth you jabroni.
Fredo: Booker misses the Harlem Hangover and gives Luger the opportunity to hot tag Sting! Finally, something worth watching.
Carlos: OH, THANK GOD. I dozed off for a minute.
Fredo: Sting hands out a couple of Stinger Splashes and sets up for a Scorpion Death Lock. The superior sharpshooter-esque maneuver unlike those jabronies up in Connecticut. Suck me intensely, Team WWF.
Carlos: Suck him immensely.
Fredo: Stevie Ray foils the attempt because he knew Booker was fucked the moment Sting locks it in and sends him to the outside.
Fredo: Sting hits the flying clothesline while they’re distracted with an untalented jabroni for the quick win!
Carlos: Sting picked up so many wins with flying crossbodies and clotheslines.
Fredo: Kevin Sullivan and the Giant are hitting the ring. Will we finally find out who is whose side?
Fredo: Well, looks like they decided to deflate this mystery. Giant easily dispatches Luger and Sting with chokeslams like they’re a bunch of jobbers on Saturday Night.
Fredo: Macho comes in and distracts the Giant as Hogan comes up behind him. Shit is about to go down.
Carlos: Black dildo set to kill.
Fredo: Hogan has his fucking game face on. Time to party, idiots.
Carlos: Got them kikiriki eyes.
Fredo: After a few no-sells of each other’s punches and clubs, Hogan finally has Giant reeling.
Fredo: Dungeon of Doom is hitting the ring, but Savage and Hogan easily send em away, but what’s this? Is the ice in the back breaking…or something?
Carlos: NO. NOT YET.
Fredo: IT’S A MU– YETI!! Once again, WCW in 1995, everyone. We’ll be back next week with the Halloween Havoc fallout that will unfortunately involve this jabroni far too much.