Monday is back and most of you want to die. Say no more, fam. TD91 is providing you with a reason to live once more. Fre and Carlos are taking you on a journey through this edition of Nitro. Now someone has to save us from suiciding ourselves.
Fredo: Nitro is live from Chicago! As if I really wanted a reason to celebrate McMichael. I’ll burn down that whole city just to call him a jabroni for the rest of my life.
Carlos: No Pepe. No care.
Fredo: The fuck is Sting doing out there? Doesn’t matter, this show already beats out RAW.
Carlos: The Brain is horrified by whatever’s going on.
Fredo: He says he’s going to solve the conflict between Luger and Savage tonight. I can only hope this means he’s going to beat Luger to death in the middle of the ring.
Carlos: Fingers crossed he cut the brakes on Luger’s rental.
Match #1: Sting v. The Shark (U.S. Championship)
Fredo: John Tenta continuing to sport gimmicks that make him nature stuff. Definitely wishing for mother nature to cause a natural disaster to take his life. Instead he had to wait for cancer.
Carlos: I don’t think anything is worse than that Team Piper angle aginst the NWO. Piper was supposed to have legit teammates, like the Horsemen or something. Then some awful creative decisions were made and he picked John Tenta in a kilt instead. Cool.
Fredo: Sting look fucking perfect as always.
Fredo: Oh shit. Tenta jumping the shark so to speak, attacking Sting before the bell! HAHAHAHA.
Fredo: In all seriousness, Tenta could work for a big dude. Look at the height of the leg he dropped on Sting?
Carlos: He doesn’t come up in conversations about impressive big men often. Probably because, you know, he was The Shark.
Fredo: Sting fires back with a pair of Stinger Splashes and a flying cross body for the quick win!
Carlos: I’m shocked The Shark isn’t your new United States Champion. Yep.
Fredo: After a quick recap of Kevin Sullivan hilariously shaving a Hitler stache onto Hogan, we see Sabu make his way out to the ring for the next match.
Carlos: Imma need Mr. JL to shave a Hitler stache on Sabu.
Match #2: Sabu vs. Mr. JL
Fredo: Oh shit! It’s Mr. JL, AKA Jerry Lynn! This match is going to be an absolute banger. Crazy to think this is his first big gig before tears shit up in ECW, right?
Carlos: I guess this was WCW’s way of covering up Jerry Lynn’s lack of charisma. Turn him into…a luchador? Kind of?
Fredo: Second move of the match and Sabu is dropping somersault leg drops. I’m definitely into it.
Carlos: Sabu showing the world how he slows it down.
Fredo: Mr. JL with the suicide dive and we’re barely two minutes in. Jim Ross is having a fucking conniption.
Carlos: I wonder when Sabu is gonna spazz out on coke and get released. It has to be coming.
Fredo: Man, they are going 100. I’m taking pictures, but really I should post a video of the whole fucking match because they’re just chaining high spots.
Fredo: Man, he just murdered Lynn with Air-Sabu.
Carlos: Lynn wishing he could fast forward to powerbombing RVD onto chairs.
Fredo: WOW. I think he kicked Sabu’s teeth in. If there are any left at least.
Carlos: Sabu looks so confused in that pic. Probably wondering why he feels none of this.
Fredo: After escaping a camel clutch, JL spikes Sabu with a DDT from the top rope. There is no way that Sabu doesn’t leave this match without a concussion.
Carlos: If Raw has a match that rivals this fuego, I’ll watch 3 hours of Booty Man matches.
Fredo: Sabu blocks JL’s attempt at missile dropkick and locks in the camel clutch for the win. Banger match.
Carlos: I had to pop my shirt off this match was so good.
Fredo: Sting and Luger are in the ring with Mean Gene as apparently Sting wants to play kiss and make up. Luger looking like he just came back from the fucking country club and is a couple of gin and tonics deep.
Carlos: Bummed Luger wasn’t lost at sea. Maybe wash up on an island. Learns how to use a bow and arrow and fight. Comes back to WCW to take down those that have failed this promotion. Then he gets hit by a truck.
Fredo: Macho Man is coming down to settle shit. He is also one with his spirit animal, the leopard apparently.
Carlos: He hunted down those beasts and skinned em himself.
Fredo: So…Sting wants to fix this by having them win their respective matches at Halloween Havoc and then wrestle each other. Ok..?
Carlos: Man, WHAT?
Fredo: The best thing bout this is Sting just mocking Luger and calling him disgusting and borderline calling him a baby for not accepting the challenge.
Carlos: Luger also struggling to figure out the point to any of this.
Fredo: It’s set. Luger has to win against Meng and Macho has to beat Kamala and then I can watch a match between Luger and Macho again. I give a fuck about none of this.
Carlos: You remedy Luger being on a PPV by having Luger wrestle TWICE on a PPV. Fuck. FUCK.
Fredo: Looks like someone is debuting soon. Who’s in this limo?
Fredo: Disco Inferno is dancing, but I don’t think he is wrestling tonight.
Carlos: I think this is the third week in a row. I’m not even mad. It’s titillating.
Fredo: So WCW definitely is eating up some TV time by having him come out and dance.
Fredo: Looks like Big Bubba Rogers is in action tonight. Just let Disco keep dancing. Unless he has poetry to recite. Then bring on Bossman.
Carlos: “If I had a son as stupid as you, I’d hope Disco Inferno got cancer and that I would die too.” – Bossman Sonnet 145
Fredo: FUCK. Disco Inferno is the man. He just stole a kid’s hat and put it on one of Hawk’s spikes. Hawk is pissed. Bubba takes advantage of the distraction and here we go.
Carlos: If this is the start of a Disco Inferno vs Road Warrior Hawk feud I just…I don’t even know.
Match #3: Big Bubba Rogers vs Hawk
Fredo: Man, they’re hitting each other pretty hard and he just splashed he shit out of Hawk.
Carlos: COKE FIGHT.
Fredo: What’s this.. is that?
Fredo: Man, he is gonna get his ass beat. Hawk don’t fuck around.
Carlos: Macaroni Time on the horizon.
Fredo: OH FUCK, HAWK’S GETTING COUNTED OUT!
Carlos: WHAT IS HAPPENING?
Fredo: Big Bubba Rogers picks up, what I can assume, is his only win on Nitro ever…by count out. The real winner here? Disco Inferno, baybay.
Carlos: Hawk and Disco Inferno are gonna change the game and make most people change the channel.
Fredo: Hogan looking like he came back from a gothic biker rally. Also, this is the only time he’ll be ok with the color black.
Carlos: A black neck brace to really round out his outfit for QXT’s later tonight. (Shout out to Tony P.)
Fredo: Man, he is getting audibly booed. I didn’t recall this when I was younger, but people were really tired of this shit.
Carlos: My cheers drowned out those stupid boos.
Fredo: Hogan’s been rambling about nothing for about 5 minutes straight. I don’t even know what he’s saying.
Carlos: A whole lot of BROTHER.
Fredo: What’s this?
Fredo: Mother of god, I want to tattoo this to my soul. This has to be one of the more ridiculous things I’ve seen in WCW. And I saw RoboCop.
Fredo: As Hogan runs back there to try to fuck with Giant, we transition to main event time!
Carlos: An injured Hogan running in the back to fight a monster truck.
Match #4: Ric Flair vs Arn Anderson (Steel Cage)
Fredo: YES! THANK YOU PEPE FOR JUSTIFYING THAT MONGOLOID’S LIFE THAT’S HOLDING YOU.
Carlos: OH GOD, YES. YES. SO MUCH YES.
Fredo: Man, what the FUCK? Arn Anderson AGAIN is already in the ring. I don’t get it. I’d be livid if I was him. But if this is what gave us more Pepe time I’m ok with it.
Carlos: Arn realized Pepe wasn’t on the beginning of Nitro. Demanded his entrance get cut for the people to get a look at the real star of the show: Pepe McMichael.
Fredo: Flair looking fired up to take on the Enforcer.
Fredo: Flair walks into the ring and we are going in hard. Flair is lighting Arn the fuck UP.
Carlos: I’m already erect.
Fredo: Yep. That strut.
Carlos: That picture looks like a gazelle getting shot mid run.
Fredo: I will show pictures of that spinebuster every week because it gets me fully erect.
Fredo: These two are just incapable of having a bad match together. I guess that’s what happens after years of friendship and beating up Sting and Dusty Rhodes.
Carlos: When you get tired of kicking the fuck out of everyone else, you kick the fuck out of each other.
Fredo: I am genuinely surprised that Flair isn’t bleeding yet.
Carlos: Pretty sure he should’ve been bleeding since breakfast.
Fredo: Pillman is climbing the cage. Fools! How could you think that someone with the nickname “Flyin'” wouldn’t be able to get up there?
Carlos: Climbin’ Brian.
Fredo: Flair easily puts him down and goes back to work on Arn.
Fredo: Wow, Flair has been on a roll lately, actually hitting moves from the top rope.
Fredo: Anderson is sneaky as fuck, I didn’t even see him slip on those knucks. Knocks out Flair for the 1-2-3.
Fredo: Flair is pissed as fuck. He’s also got a perfect tan nigga damn!
Carlos: Straight putting Hogan to shame.
Fredo: Looks like we got a good ol’ fashion handicap match for next week. Flair vs Pillman and Anderson!
Carlos: Another banger, I’m sure.
Fredo: That’s it for this week. Unfortunately, they left out our favorite part this week: the WCW Saturday Night lineup. Nitro is ruined for me.