Welcome back to Team WWE’s, Monday Night Raw portion of the Monday NERDO War.
NOTE FROM JOEY: We’re a day late on this week’s edition, and that’s entirely on me. I got a bit lazy, I’m not going to lie. We’re here now, though. So sit back, relax, and read on through.
Lets get right into this CERTIFIED BANGER, Razor Ramon looks to finally get one over on his friend/rival the 1-2-3 Kid. We’re reminded that the Kid is 2-0 against the Bad Guy. Kid opens the contest the only way he knows how: with kicks!
JOEY: 1-2-3 Kid = Jabroni. Can’t wait for him to head off to the land of the dinosaurs with Hall and Nash, only to come back once Hogan and Bischoff are too mean to him. What a bitch.
Dean Douglas comes out and is taking notes.
Kid is completely in control of the match, until he misses wildly with a spinning heel kick. The Bad Guy shows why you can’t even make one misstep with him and rocks the 1-2-3 Kid with a hard clothesline, and it’s enough to pick up the victory.
JOEY: Welcome to 1995, when a clothesline could win a match. It didn’t even come from hell.
Kid doesn’t want to go out like that, he’s here to earn the respect of the Bad Guy.
We’re treated to a SECOND match between the two.
This match has a different story than the first: Razor is in complete control over the Kid. Ramon is tossing him all over the place. Kid is able to gain some breathing room and attempts a hurricanranna from the top rope.
Razor catches him and counters it into a power bomb, which draws another 3 count for the Bad Guy.
Razor has now evened the score with the Kid, but still the Kid isn’t satisfied and wants one more match with the Bad Guy.
JOEY: NO MORE!! We’ve watched all but one of these 1-2-3 Kid vs. Razor Ramon matches since we started reviewing RAW. The only one we haven’t seen is the first, and THAT’S THE ONLY ONE THAT’S WORTH SEEING!
Kid is barely even able to stand at this point. Razor signals he’s going for the Razor’s Edge but ends up putting away the Kid with a small package. Finally content that he was bested, Kid acknowledges his superior. As a goof, Kid attempts a school boy pin on Razor for a two count. The crowd starts chanting for a Razor’s Edge, and Kid even offers himself up to Razor. Ramon takes the high road and shakes hands with his buddy.
JOEY: Should’ve destroyed him, Razor. You’re The Bad Guy, not the high road guy.
Up next: Barry Horowitz squares off with Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Horowitz, the prototypical jabroni, is riding the momentum of beating Skip at SummerSlam, and is giving the blueblood quite the run for his money.
JOEY: If you don’t know who Barry Horrowitz is, you should consider yourself lucky.
Horrowitz hits Hunter with a Lou Thez Press, and completely won me over with the pre-homage to Stone Cold Steve Austin.
After a much longer match than I’m sure anyone was ready for, Hunter picks up the W via Pedigree.
JOEY: Oh, what a surprise, Barry Horowitz lost a match.
Once they clear out, we get the USWA Tag Team Champions, JC Ice and Wolfy D – collectively known as PG-13 – up against the ham and egger team of Sonny Rogers and Al Brown. PG-13, is just…beyond words. They never really achieved success in the WWF, but in the USWA, they reigned 15 times as the Tag Team Champions. They’re the Ric Flair of a jabron federation.
JOEY: They called themselves, “two punks from the hood.” They are as white as can be. THESE GUYS WERE 15x USWA TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS?!? That fed must’ve been packed full of jabronis.
After expertly cutting the ring in half and isolating Sonny Rogers, Al Brown is able to get tagged in. Unfortunately, things don’t fare any better for Mr. Brown. After some double team moves PG-13 pick up their first victory in WWF.
JOEY: Biggest takeaway from this match: Vince McMahon started an O.J. Simpson hotline, where WWF fans could call to vote on whether or not O.J. was guilty. Way to stay current, VKM.
We get a hype promo for next week’s main event, and it is an absolute banger: The Undertaker teams with the Two Dudes With Attitudes (Shawn Michaels and Diesel) to take on British Bulldog, Owen Hart, and Yokozuna.
Finally, we come to the main event: Bret Hart versus Jean Pierre LaFitte.
JOEY: I’m going to be upfront about this. This match was such a snoozer that Jerry couldn’t stay awake while he was watching. He had to specifically ask me to take the lead on this match. Keep in mind, I didn’t know who the competitors were. I figured it’d be a breeze. Then I saw. The Hitman against Jean Pierre LaWho? Seriously, who is that? HE DIDN’T EVEN GET AN ENTRANCE! They already in the ring’d one half of their main event? Honestly, this is why Team WCW keeps rocking us.
JOEY: Well, I just learned why I have no idea who Jean Pierre LaFitte is – The Kliq. There was a match between Diesel and LaFitte in Jean Pierre’s hometown. It was booked to end dusty, so that LaFitte looked good in his hometown, and then they could have a return match whenever they were back there. Shawn Michaels, however, was like, “nah.” He went to work on Vince, who eventually relented and changed the finish so that Diesel went over clean. Then, to his credit, LaFitte was like, “nah,” and refused to be pinned by Diesel. The match eventually ended in a double countout, and that one-eyed jabroni got buried. Allow me to strike up the world’s smallest violin.
JOEY: By the way, this match is fifteen minutes long. I know that doesn’t sound like much, but the whole show was forty-five minutes long. That means an entire third was devoted to Bret Hart wrestling a French pirate. Pretty sure WCW is going to take this week, as well.
JOEY: After LaFitte vs. The Hitman, Bret Hart goes over to the announce table, where Jerry Lawler manages to provoke him into a physical confrontation. This causes The King’s private dentist, Issac Yankem, to pounce, and obliterate Bret Hart. When they come back from break, Vince announces a steel cage match between Yankem and Bret on a future RAW. Cool?
JOEY: The show goes off the air with the hotline’s results. Surprisingly, the 1995 WWF audience voted 51/49, in favor of O.J. not being guilty. This prompts Lawler to say, “See, I told you, Vince. Not guilty. Go juice!” Good call, King.