Salutations, everyone! Welcome to Week 5 of the Monday Nerdo War! Fredo and Carlos of the Tiger Driver ’91 Podcast are here to hit you with another WCW banger. Tonight is gonna be action packed!
Carlos: Nitro coming to you LIVE from Denver, Colorado. Live. Unlike Raw. For another 4 years.
Carlos: Bischoff mentions how tonight Savage and Luger are having a match where Luger’s career is on the line. Savage could’ve stopped the black hole that is Sexy Lexy years ago.
Fredo: With any luck, Macho will be tossed to the outside and then the ring will spontaneously explode. Make sure that jabroni can never come back.
Fredo: Peep the googly eyes, thrillers.
Carlos: FUCK. Pepe McMichael taking Team WCW to the pay window each week.
Carlos: Just when that announce booth couldn’t get any better. Flair is calling out Double A. Says he’s gonna kick his ass tonight. No, Ric. 🙁
Fredo: I don’t think Flair got out one coherent sentence. No way he isn’t a mile high right now.
Carlos: It hit me. Only way that announce booth could’ve looked better is if one of those lights fell and crushed Mongo’s head.
Fredo: And, of course, completely missing Pepe.
Match 1: “The Total Package” Lex Luger vs “The Macho Man” Randy Savage
Carlos: Ugh. I don’t care how much pyro they give you, this isn’t fuego.
Fredo: I won’t lie. His theme is a guilty pleasure of mine. My love for anything Luger ends there. I would have been stoked if they stripped that song off of him and gave it to pretty much any jabron in the back.
Carlos: You remember that time Taker got set on fire during his entrance? Why couldn’t that happen now. End Luger’s career before the match even starts.
Fredo: Right? I would have been hyped on Luger failing his trial by fire. Also I would have accepted some random dude walking on set and shooting Luger in the face.
Carlos: WCW puts WWF to shame with this pyro. Look at Savage in all his glory.
Carlos: This buck tooth motherfucker.
Fredo: Props to the camera man for finding the one person in the crowd who actually wanted to see this match.
Carlos: That kid is lucky AF his sign game is on point. I need every match on every card ever illustrated by chicklet teeth over here. Jim Cornette probably hates this back woods fuck.
Carlos: Alright, so the match starts with a lock up. Mach is kind of a genius. He knows Luger can’t work for shit, so they just go back and forth in the lock up and even dump to the floor. Wasted enough time they get to go to commercial.
Fredo: Word, Savage should have wrapped his arm in razor blades. Really make it the best lockup of Luger’s life. Nay. My life.
Carlos: Halloween Havoc commercial getting me HYPED. WWE needs to bring back Halloween Havoc. Get rid of Hell in a Cell. Also, bring back the Dungeon of Doom.
Fredo: Except for Ed Leslie. Not even the Dungeon of Doom made me want to let him live.
Fredo: FUCK YOU REF, COUNT IT!
Carlos: We come back to the break to find Luger’s career almost come to an end with a small package. In a perfect world that would’ve been a 3.
Fredo: Why must the wrestling gods allow his career to plague my television?
Carlos: They’ve been milking so many spots to kill time. They went back and forth in a backslide for like 5 minutes.
Fredo: I’ve never seen such intense backslide struggle?
Carlos: Alright, while Luger can’t wrestle for shit, he was definitely a beast. He straight up sweat steroids.
Fredo: According to Buff Bagwell, he was also sweating Somas and other pain killers/muscle relaxers. My man was a straight up scumbag.
Carlos: Second week in a row that Pee Wee does something random as fuck in a match. Why is he zig heiling on the ropes? The fuck, Pee Wee?
Fredo: Pee Wee is the grand wizard of the 69th Reich, you idiot.
Carlos: I, too, would like to take a nap in the middle of this fucking match. Macho welcoming death early in that pic. He just can’t carry Luger anymore. But, you must, Macho. You must.
Fredo: Savage really wishing it was already 2011 so he could just fucking die. I’m just wishing it was whatever year Luger is going to die in already. Gonna call 2016 for that jabron.
Carlos: Savage definitely heard us. He fucking murdered Luger with that axe handle to the floor. Luger ate the guardrail. Is he still moving? Sadly, he is.
Fredo: Somas make Luger impervious to death.
Carlos: NO, A REF BUMP. NO NO NO. GET UP, PEE WEE.
Fredo: PEE WEE! WE NEED YOU TO END OUR SUFFERING!
Fredo: COUNT YOU FUCK. WRESTLING FANS EVERYWHERE ARE COUNTING ON YOU!
Carlos: GOD DAMMIT, PEE WEE. YOU GET UP AND COUNT THAT FUCKING 3.
Carlos: NO. NO NO NO.
Fredo: Giant truly was the biggest heel in WCW. He put all the fans through several more years of Lex Luger. Fuck Hollywood Hogan, Paul Wight the real MVP.
Carlos: It’s done. With help from The Giant, Luger gets to torment us another day. Pretty psyched on the crowd booing. They were behind Macho Man 100%. You’re alright in my book, Denver. Except Kool Aid Man over here.
Carlos: Only dude hyped on Luger. Look at that Hogan tank top. It looks like a fucking bib on him. Psyched you probably died from heart failure.
Fredo: REAL TALK: If you were cheering for Luger wearing that garb, you straight up deserved to die.
Carlos: At least they go to the Saturday Night hype to ease our suffering.
Fredo: This is my favorite part!!
Carlos: …yep. 1/3 ain’t bad. Dirty Dick setting Saturday Night on fire. Gotta carry all those losers.
Fredo: The abandoning of Saturday Night begins.
Carlos: They come back and hype the upcoming match, but Disco Inferno’s music hits. The Brain is dancing. WCW really trying to make up for that Luger victory.
Fredo: They’re going to have to give me a lot of dancing Brain to make up for that.
Carlos: WE HAVE THE DISCO BALL.
Fredo: They gave that dude one more chance and he delivered. Good job, disco jaballni.
Carlos: From disco to cliche mariachi music. I sense a Mexican is near.
Fredo: Man, the Mexicans and the Japanese just got the most stereotypical songs. Into it.
Carlos: Disco runs away scared. Leave the Disco Ball, doe.
Fredo: A very young, very much alive Eddie Guerrero.
Fredo: This a theme I am not ashamed to have liked. Deano Machino was the fucking man.
Carlos: My body might not be ready for this.
Fredo: My body wasn’t ready back then, but now I am at peace. I am ready for this.
Carlos: They mention Guerrero’s match from Saturday Night. I wonder if he went against Disco Inferno or something?
Fredo: Damn. It was Disco under that mask the whole time. I get it now.
Carlos: WOW. The Network needs WCW Saturday Night episodes up ASAP. I need Liger and Guerrero bangers right off the tip.
Fredo: I also need Craig “Pitbull” Pittman bangers all day every fucking DAY.
Match 2: Eddie Guerrero vs Dean Malenko
Fredo: Man, even their worst match is a fucking absolutely banger.
Carlos: GET THE FUCK OUTTA THE WAY FUTURE NWO REFEREE NICK PATRICK THIS MATCH GOT ME HYPED.
Carlos: They open up the match with a crazy lucha-style monkey flip exchange that I can’t even take pictures of because they are just going ham. Just chain wrestling with the quickness.
Fredo: In 1995, this was mind blowing shit to me.
Carlos: These guys are just reversing the fuck out of everything. They’ve faced each other so many times this is like playing a laid back game of catch. At 120 MPH.
Fredo: Like a game of catch between Randy Johnson and and Nolan Ryan while they’re lit as fuck.
Carlos: WOW. That dropkick connected. Guerrero bumped hard for it, too.
Fredo: WORD, JUST FUCK THIS MATCH RIGHT? I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HOGAN AND THIS LIMO BULLSHIT.
Carlos: The fuck do you mean you need to go backstage, Bischoff? THIS IS MALENKO AND GUERRERO.
Carlos: I’m pretty fucking annoyed they cut to the back during this match. But look at Jimmy Hart’s jacket. Incredible.
Fredo: The jacket almost makes up for the interruption, but nah. Jimmy needs to go back to getting neck from Hogan during workouts.
Carlos: Hogan has arrived and he’s looking for revenge. The Giant better watch out. Jimmy Hart is begging Hogan to get back in the limo and leave. HOGAN DON’T PLAY THAT SHIT, PUSSY.
Fredo: Jimmy, stop crying you little twit. He’s gonna throw Giant off a building in a couple of weeks.
Carlos: Back to the match, thank baby Jesus. Guerrero and Malenko dump to the outside. I wonder if someone is gonna die soon.
Carlos: WOW. EDDIE ATE THE FUCKING FLOOR AFTER HE CONNECTED WITH MALENKO.
Fredo: Man, Eddie not giving a fuck with that dive. He caught more concrete that Malenko and I’m ok with that.
Carlos: They roll back in and it looks like Guerrero wants to put this one away.
Carlos: Malenko got his knees up. They go back to reversing some pin attempts but Guerrero gets him!
Fredo: Malenko and Guerrero making Luger and Savage’s backslide waltz look like a fucking slow dance.
Carlos: They shake hands and Malenko wants a rematch. Have all the rematches. A best of 77 series. Do it.
Fredo: They could have had this same match every single week on Nitro and I would have never been mad.
Carlos: We come back from commercial and Hogan and Jimmy Hart are on their way to the ring. ’95 WCW Main Event scene, ladies and gentlemen. Look at it.
Fredo: A main event scene that has very little to do with the world title.
Carlos: Hogan just said he’s here tonight because he met a kid getting a double lung transplant and that little kid wants him to kick The Giant’s ass. Whatever gets Hogan over.
Fredo: Hogan has no shame in using that kid’s double lung transplant gimmick to get himself over. What a dick.
Carlos: Well, the shirt comes off and he’s off to find The Giant backstage.
Fredo: I know that when I go to look for things inside the house, I just pop my shirt off because fuck it.
Carlos: HAH. HAHAHAHAHAHA. IS THAT KEVIN SULLIVAN DRESSED LIKE AN OLD LADY?
Fredo: I’ll take Sullivan in a dress over Lex Luger and his last century shirt game any day of the week.
Carlos: Gene keeps yelling, “IT’S AN OLD WOMAN. IT’S A GRANDMA. OH MY GOD, WHAT’S GOING ON?”
Fredo: I’m not sure if Gene was intentionally or unintentionally trying to be hilarious or if he just didn’t give a fuck at this point. I’m going to go with the latter.
Carlos: The Brain is straight up dying.
Carlos: 3rd place in the King Jabron Tournament gracing us with his presence.
Fredo: Zodiac has been on far too many Nitros for my liking. Nigga is starting to become the backbone of Monday Nitro.
Carlos: I really wish Grandma Sullivan became a thing.
Fredo: I’d legitimately buy Grandma Sullivan and her quest to destroy Hulkamania.
Fredo: Love wrestlers survive murder multiple times. As if once wasn’t ridiculous enough.
Carlos: How many times can Hulkamania get it’s neck snapped?
Carlos: Hogan’s gotta be filming a movie soon.
Fredo: Or using his creative control to creatively take time off.
Fredo: Pee Wee and Hogan about to get naziAF.
Carlos: Heil Hogan. I can almost guarantee Sullivan did that on purpose. Fuck.
Carlos: WAIT. THE AMERICAN MALES ARE OUT TO SAVE THE DAY. MMMMM YACE.
Fredo: If anyone can stop a giant, it’s two male escorts.
Carlos: Well, there goes my confused boner. Everyone is dead.
Fredo: Really? My boner is focused and thriving right now.
Carlos: Do you think anyone told the WCW Trainer his shirt had a hole in it? Schmuck.
Match 3: “The Enforcer” Arn Anderson vs “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair
Carlos: Back from commercial, and it’s main event time!
Fredo: This is a main event in my eyes any night, but wouldn’t you think the match that had a career on the line and had two huge names like Luger and Savage should have actually been the main event? Yeah, fuck em. I’d much rather see Flair and Anderson.
Carlos: Majestic. Like a gazelle.
Fredo: Man, I’m heated as fuck that they already-in-the-ring’d Arn.
Carlos: …wait. Did they give Arn a commercial break entrance? THEY DID. NO WONDER THAT DUDE IN THE FRONT ROW IS PISSED.
Fredo: His mom is watching live from the trailer park a few blocks away and let him know. No one fucking disrespects Arn like that.
Carlos: This is gonna be a solid match. They start by knocking the shit outta each other. Both Arn and Flair are going in.
Fredo: Flair is coming in hot with those knife edged chops. No sound is more musical to my ears.
Carlos: Flair taking those back body drops on his side is so interesting to me. My dude bumped so hard for that airplane crash that he refuses to bump for back drops.
Fredo: His psychology is on point, really. Like how could you expect him to sell for a regular man, when he sold for a plane.
Carlos: Corner flip!
Fredo: Vintage Flair! Consume my everything, Michael Cole.
Fredo: MAN. Arn flying over that top rope like he’s a young man. My dude is always putting in work. He earns every banger windbreaker he buys.
Carlos: Oh shit, he didn’t take a clothesline on the apron. Arn and Flair are going at it on the floor.
Carlos: JESUS. He still takes hard bumps. I feel like not flat backing ‘em is only gonna make that one side you land on hurt even more.
Carlos: Do you think Flair can actually sucker Arn in?
Fredo: Flair will have to suck down the Enforcer before he can sucker him.
Carlos: Hey, Arn, can you take it easy on my back tonight? Yeah, sure, let me just spinebust the SHIT outta you real quick.
Fredo: No one, to this day, has a better spinebuster than Anderson. Shit is a work of art. And yeah, fuck Flair’s pussy back.
Carlos: Back to the outside!
Carlos: Flair getting just a lil tayce of revenge. A tayce.
Carlos: Oh shit, he’s got Double A back in the ring and snaps on the figure four? Any chance this match ends…clean?
Fredo: Oh shit, right before the interference, Flair wins!
Carlos: If I didn’t get some Brian Pillman tonight I was about to get heated.
Carlos: Flair is trying his best to fight them off, but that numbers game is getting the best of him. Flair is all too familiar with the numbers game. Number of wives. Number of illegitimate children. Number of people the horsemen kicked the shit out of VIA SAID GAME OF NUMBERS.
Fredo: I wonder what the game of numbers reads for number of dead hookers he found in his hotel room when he woke up some mornings?
Fredo: Pillman 9mm looking insane.
Carlos: Fuck. Yes.
Carlos: They announce Arn and Flair in a steel cage next week. I’m stoked on all of that. Let’s see if the rest of the card is gonna be as awesome.
Fredo: I’m sure the rest of the card is random Lex Luger appearances.
Fredo: Damn. Definitely would rather see The Shark than Luger so yeah, this is a…