Week four is here! Team FredoCarlos (of Tiger Driver ’91 fame) are back to bring you the drama and the action from Monday Nitro on September 25, 1995.
Fredo: Kicking off Nitro the right way: Pepe. Too bad he still has that cancerous twit still attached to him, huh?
Carlos: The Horsemen couldn’t get Mongo over. Pepe got Mongo slightly over. Going by the laws of Scott Steiner Mathematics: Pepe McMichael is 69.12 3/8’s% > The Four Horsemen > Lex Luger < Eating 50.1537% of a bag full of dog shit.
Fredo: I’m still waiting for the day that Pepe kills Mongo and takes over his worthless body.
Carlos: They need to be more like Krang. Mongo needs to say nothing and just let Pepe take over.
Fredo: But enough about wasted roster space, let’s get to Alex Wright!
Match 1: Alex Wright vs Disco Inferno
Fredo: Man, did someone forget to put up the fucking disco ball for his entrance?
Fredo: Someone is definitely getting fired.
Carlos: You hype up this guy’s Monday Nitro debut, and you don’t even give me a fucking disco ball? No charts getting busted right now.
Fredo: You know, you’d think this match is going to be whatever, but these guys were both pretty good in their own right. Just never really got great angles or gimmicks.
Carlos: Uh, do you not remember Berlyn or Disco in the Filthy Animals? Yeah. Exquisite.
Fredo: Only a matter of time before Alex Wright crumbles like the Berlyn wall. Get it? Suck me.
Carlos: The Wall RIP. Hogan never got over that Nitro in Florida where The Wall signaled for a chokeslam from the top of a resort…miles away.
Fredo: Alex is coming in hot with the dives. A foreshadowing of the opening match bangers Nitro would eventually have.
Carlos: Wright had a banger with Sabu last week. This week they gave him a far superior challenger in Disco Inferno. LOL?
Fredo: I really hated Disco Inferno back then, but my man was actually a pretty good worker. Made people look good and got his shit in. Gotta really mature to appreciate the legend of Disco Inferno, baby.
Carlos: It was really hard to appreciate Disco Inferno’s in-ring ability when we were wee lads because, you know, Disco Inferno.
Fredo: Disco really selling his fine-ass hair this match too.
Carlos: Aside from the fuego mullets we still had going on in the 90’s, his hair was pretty glorious. It didn’t move.
Fredo: Alex Wright with the quick backslide to spoil Disco’s Nitro debut! Join VK Wallstreet in the anals of shitty debuts.
Carlos: Likely not the first anals Wright has received.
Fredo: Hulk really spreading the Hulkamania love to Jimmy. Gets his workout in at the same time too!
Carlos: There is no way that screencap looks like anything other than Jimmy Hart about to mouth blast Hogan. No way. Using the weight of the title to see what that mouth do.
Fredo: Oh no, they’re starting to plant the seeds for that classic Hogan vs Giant monster truck match. You know, where Hogan I guess killed the Giant? But he didn’t?
Carlos. We covered that on Tiger Driver ’91’s beloved Shit Fuck Mania II episode. Really excited to cover it here, too. I am. No, yeah, I’m hyped. Fuck, I’m not. FUCK.
Fredo: He just told him he was going to bury him with his father. Nice. You’re going to have to make room in the liquor store he’s buried in.
Carlos: Hogan should’ve been the one dragging the Giant on a casket at his father, Andre The Giant’s, funeral. Let’s just class this angle up a tad.
Fredo: Stoked that Kurasawa (Nakanishi in New Japan) is gonna wrestle on Nitro tonight. I think he’s feuding with Hawk and even broke my man’s arm. We’ll see what happens here.
Carlos: We need to change your Japanese sounding name to a slightly less Japanese sounding name. Because, WCW.
Fredo: Word, I thought I’d get away with not having Luger come out this week other than the main event. Guess I have to eat my own words. I’d rather eat my own shit than watch him tho.
Carlos: Using the laws of Scott Steiner Mathenatics, eating a bag of shit is definitely better than Lex Luger.
Fredo: Luger doesn’t like the lack of respect Savage has for him? Then wear a shirt that wasn’t made a century ago, you jabroni. Get on Mach’s fashion level of gay leather cowboy.
Carlos: Luger’s shirt game: Not Gangrel. My man hasn’t even come close to the pinnacle of Arn Anderson’s windbreaker game.
Fredo: Oh hooray, a match next week between Savage and Luger. Man, Luger’s promo skills are as good as all of Team Raw’s reviews. You know… not good at all. Dumb AF jabronies.
Carlos: Shots straight fired. Kiss us, idiots.
Fredo: Way more hyped on that purple ghost thing in the background than this entire match.
Carlos: That ghost is hyped.
Match 2: Sgt. Craig Pittman vs Kurasawa
Fredo: I almost forgot he was part of the Stud Stable here. Hyped on Japanese talent in WCW always.
Fredo: WOW. Kurasawa dropped Pittman on the exposed concrete. It was like…his third move in this match. I’m into it.
Carlos: Somewhere Jim Ross just shit his pants.
Fredo: Kurasawa is really working that arm. Just trying to remind people that he broke Hawk’s arm.
Fredo: Pittman with his 10th flying headbutt in this match. Don’t know how he hasn’t murdered his family yet.
Carlos: He had too much going on for him. At this time he was probably training Chuck Palumbo at the Power Plant.
Fredo: These two are actually having a pretty solid match here. Surprising, since I can’t remember ever actively enjoying a Pittman match.
Carlos: Yeah, this is pretty unexpected. I guess a hardbody Jap can get the best out of the Pitbull.
Fredo: Kurasawa hit a snap German with a bridge to put away the Pitbull!
Carlos: Bummed he broke Hawk’s arm instead of Pittman’s.
Fredo: I’m so fucking hyped on Kevin Sullivan’s face in this picture. Looks like he’s possessed by Satan. Or the future spirit of Chris Benoit’s son.
Carlos: This feud began on the set of Baywatch. Someone tell me that shit isn’t straight magic. Check out last week’s review for the pictures that look a whole lot like softcore porn. Like, almost too much. Maybe not enough.
Fredo: Pillman and Arn are in the ring teasing the formation of the Four Horsemen and taunting Flair for not being able to find a partner. Gee, I wonder how this will end.
Carlos: Arn left his windbreaker game and upgraded to a member of Boys II Men. Smooth.
Fredo: I’m stoked on Pillman in the Horsemen and how hyped he is to be there. Arn cuts a beautiful, well-crafted promo on Flair. That’s why that dude was my favorite Horseman bar none. Just all-around a great wrestler.
Carlos: Arn is one of the all-time greats. He could put the fear of God in you with a soft spoken promo. He was never over the top and when he spoke you listened.
Fredo: Our favorite part of Nitro is up: where they show us some of the lineup for the upcoming WCW Saturday Night. Hype level: 6:05PM.
Carlos: My dick moved when the American Males graphic went up.
Match 3: The Taskmaster vs Randy Savage
Fredo: Taskmaster looking straight up evil. Kevin Sullivan really loved these dark gimmicks.
Carlos: Taskmaster is probably my height and still one of the scariest dudes in wrestling. Maybe not today. He wrestles in his old Taskmaster boots and gym shorts.
Fredo: Macho Man makes his entrance and we’re ready to go. I imagine these two are capable of having a pretty solid match.
Fredo: Oh word, we should just throw in Zodiac because this match had a severe lack of jabroni.
Carlos: 3rd place in the TD’91 King Jabron tournament gracing us with his presence. Fuck you, Zodiac.
Fredo: After some kick and punch action, Savage says fuck it and throws the ref down. Suck it, Pee Wee; Mach’ ain’t got time for shit that isn’t a well-crafted masterpiece.
Carlos: Pee Wee :^(
Fredo: I guess they didn’t want to make the fans too happy and give them two for the price of one, but at least let him elbow the bigger jabron.
Carlos: Wish that elbow finished what that parasail that crushed Beefcake’s face started.
Fredo: Oh, damn. He just choke slammed the macho out of Savage.
Fredo: WCW jobber Mark Starr, Alex Wright, and some other jobber I didn’t recognize all come out to try to help, because I totally believe they are going to take down The Giant.
Carlos: WCW jobber Mark Starr had a chance, man. I could feel it.
Fredo: Oh shit! Luger is back again! I’m hypedAF nah. But is he gonna go after Savage?
Carlos: Please, god.
Carlos: YES. YA DONE, SON.
Fredo: Looks like he just wants Savage to take a wiff of his ball stench, but Giant ain’t having it. Save all that ball sweat for Big Show, baybay.
Fredo: Looks like Luger is in trouble after this commercial break!
Carlos: Where the fuck did that sweet mask come from!?!
Match 4: Lex Luger vs Meng
Fredo: Meng is sprinting down the aisle to beat down Luger. If I were pretty much any wrestler in that position back then, I would also rush to get my beating in.
Carlos: Those tights are sexy as hell. Meng’s mask and tight game straight fire.
Fredo: Man, I love listening to stories about how absolutely tough Meng was/is. Dude is as hard as nails.
Fredo: He’s in total control of Luger. Probably has something to do with the Giant putting down Luger before commercial, but I’m going to believe it’s because he’s a straight up bitch.
Carlos: You think Meng had to promise Sting he wouldn’t murder his best friend?
Fredo: Meng Samoan drops the hell out of Luger. Too bad he didn’t put him right through the ring.
Carlos: Meng doing the best he can.
Fredo: Luger is fighting back and booting Meng in the face. I’m pretty sure Meng stopped feeling physical pain when he was 5.
Carlos: I think I saw Meng shed a tear. Probably because those boots to the face reminded him of kisses from his mother.
Fredo: Meng pulls out a spike from his boot and jams it right into Luger’s jugular for the win. Bummer because I know for a fact he could legitimately beat the life out of Luger with his bare hands.
Carlos: If Andre the Giant wouldn’t fuck with you, Luger is supreme bitch in your eyes.
Carlos: Hype level: MAXED.
Fredo: Oh shit, Dean Malenko will be on Nitro next week and Bischoff said nothing about it. DumbAF announcers better sing the praises of Deano Machino.
Carlos: No, go back to the Malenko graphic god dammit.
Fredo: Next week’s main event will be painful for us to watch, but we’ll be professionals and make fun of it as hard as we can. See ya next week!