Welcome to the newest installment of the MONDAY NERDO WAR!
Monday Night Raw is coming hot off the heels of In Your House 3. We’re treated to the announcement that James E. Cornette has filed an injunction on WWF, in regards to the WWF Tag Team Championship. President Gorilla Monsoon was left with no choice but to award the titles back to Yokozuna and Owen Hart. However, he also declared that the new champs would defend against The Smoking Guns tonight.
JOEY: Before we go any further, I recently gained a whole new respect for Bart Gunn, one half of The Smoking Gunns. I was surfing through the WWE network, and ended up watching all of the Brawl 4 All. Bart Gunn knocked so many people out. Then he stepped into the ring with Butterbean at WrestleMania XV, and we all know how that turned out.
Raw opens with a certified banger! And that’s this fan’s sign.
JOEY: That sign is next level. I hope the fan that made it, sees this, and talks to us. Join us, obscure fan with a dope sign – JOIN TEAM WWE.
The opening contest is Skip (w/ Sunny on the outside) versus the returning Marty Jannetty. The match is actually pretty decent for “No Gimmicks Needed” Skip. especially considering he’s paired up with Marty Jabroni. Whenever Jannetty gets the momentum going for him, Skip will go outside and hug Sunny. Can’t say I blame him, even from behind Sunny looking tight!
JOEY: At this point, I assume Sunny had already been passed around the locker room like a blunt full of the dirt weed that Bret Hart used to be so fond of (before WWF started to strictly enforce a drug testing policy). I used to be on the same page as Jerry. I grew up in the early ’90’s.Sunny gave me my first, awkward boners. Then I read this entry on Pro Wrestling Stories. All I’ve wanted to know since, is the actual count on the number of STD’s that she’s given to pro wrestlers. It’s definitely in double digits.
The second time Skip goes to hug Sunny, Marty gets involved.
Jabroni looks like a thirteen year old virgin stoked the hot girl in school gently touched his hand. Believe me, I know from experience. Skip gets back in control of the match, but it doesn’t last long. Marty picks up the W after the RockerDropper.
For some reason, during all that, Dean Douglas came out to take notes on that match.
From there, we see footage from earlier in the day, with James E. Cornette and his attorney Clarence Mason.
They’re in a boardroom with President Monsoon, and the three men are discussing the injunction Cornette has filed. At In Your House 3, the main event was dubbed a Triple Header, as the WWF, Intercontinental, and Tag Team Championships were all on the line.
Owen was nowhere to be found heading into the match. At IYH3, Monsoon allowed a one time only replacement partner for Yokozuna. Cornette didn’t look far, choosing another man under his management: The British Bulldog. During the match, Owen ran out and received a Jackknife Powerbomb for his trouble; which lead to a 3 count. Still with me? Cornette and Mason argue that Owen was not a legal participant and therefore the victory should be null and void.
Monsoon is caught in the loophole and has no choice but acquiesce to Cornette. Though the man who famously threw down with Muhammed Ali made sure to add that the champs must defend the titles tonight against the Smoking Guns.
WWF Tag Team Championship
Yokozuna/Owen Hart (C) v The Smoking Gunns
Man…I can’t get over enough how hyped I am on Hart/Yoko. I feel like this is a team that probably should have never worked, but their glaring differences in styles is exactly what made it work.
Somehow, The Smoking Gunns are over with the crowd. It’s probably dem siiick mullets.
JOEY: It’s definitely dem siiick mullets.
Yokozuna is a legit MONSTER. This guy is HUGE.
The size differential plays a big part in this match. The champs are in control throughout the match. The former Tag Team Champions, The Two Dudes With Attitudes, are watching from a monitor backstage. Is it me or does Shawn’s earring make him look like Ben Stiller in “There’s Something About Mary”?
Yoko is going to town on Billy, when a missed elbow drop by the former WWF Champion creates some breathing room for the mulleted contender. Billy takes this opportunity to attempt a leg drop on the fallen champion, only to miss himself. Not to be outdone, Yoko misses a splash attempt as well. Owen gets the tag in, and fails to prevent Billy from tagging in the fresh Bart.
Bart swings momentum in his favor and hits Owen with a military press slam. Sensing that might do it, Bart goes for a pinfall; but Yokozuna makes the save. Billy comes in, and now the match has broken down. The Gunns send Owen crashing into Yoko, which is actually enough to drop Yoko in the corner. The Gunns are able to hit The Sidewinder on Owen.
Bart goes for a pin, Yoko attempts to break it up but splashes Owen. Three seconds later and the Smoking Gunns are now a two-time WWF Tag Team Championship winning team.
Crowd is beyond HYPED AF that The Smoking Gunns regained the Tag titles. Look at these thrilled fans, collectively losing their shit that Billy Gunn won a championship – if only they knew how far he’d fall in the coming years.
President Monsoon is being interviewed by (definitely not) Michael “P.S.” Hayes. President Gorilla announces the matches already signed for the next In Your House event, and boy do we have some bangers.
King Mable v. The Undertaker
Shawn Michaels defends the Intercontinental Championship against Dean Douglas
Diesel defends the WWF Championship against The British Bulldog!
Also confirmed by the worst WWF President not named Jack Tuney, at the Survivor Series – Bret Hart will challenge for the WWF Championship!!
Before we can get to IYH4, we have to get through Raw’s main event: The British Bulldog squares up against The Undertaker. It doesn’t matter if its 2015 or 1995, Taker’s entrance pops the FUCK outta the place.
Match is pretty standard fare for 95 Taker. Nothing keeps him down – sits up after bumps. Davey Boy clotheslines him to the outside and Taker lands on his feet. Cornette goes to hit Taker with a tennis racket, but gets goozled by Taker. Bulldog chop blocks the dead man and whips into the ring steps.
Taker very slow to get up – maybe Bulldog has finally proven the Taker to be mortal after all.
JOEY: The power of crack cocaine will defeat evil every time!
King Mable and Prince(?) Mo stand at the entrance way and look upon their domain.
Back inside the ring, Bulldog is all over Taker’s leg. Waylon Mercy looks on from the crowd, like a fucking jabron.
Davey Boy goes for the Running Powerslam, but Taker counters into a back suplex. Taker sets him up for that top rope walk, and it’s always amazing to see a man that big with that kind of agility.
Taker telegraphs a back body drop and Bulldog counters into a piledriver and only draws a two count. Taker sits up. A pair of high impact suplexs both draw two counts and sit ups out of the Undertaker. Taker hits the Chokeslam on Bulldog, and the reigning King of the Ring makes his way into the squared cirle. Taker turns his attention to Mable and Bulldog knocks him into the intruder. Taker gets caught in a belly-to-belly slam by King Mable.
Due to the contact, Taker gets a disqualification victory over The Bulldog, but his night is not over! After the match, Bulldog hits the Running Powerslam on Taker, followed up by a leg drop from the King. This attack prompts the Two Dudes with Attitudes to hit the ring and help the dead man. The appearance of Diesel and Shawn Michaels draws the ire of former Tag Team Champions, Yokozuna and Owen Hart.
The Smoking Gunns run out to keep the former champs at bay. The only thing I’m worried about is WHAT THE FUCK IS BART GUNN COVERED IN
“Just came out of the shower”
And because it’s 1995, for no reason at all, Shawn Michaels dances to end the show. We also get to see Vince McMahon get down with his bad self….so theres that. With a Raw like this, I don’t see the lame-o’s at WCW coming even close to touching our greatness.
Until next week!
JOEY: Bart Gunn was definitely covered in ejaculate.