Hey, everyone! Carlos here from the Tiger Driver ’91 Podcast. It’s my pleasure to be on Nerdopotamus with my tag team partner, Fredo, taking part in the Monday Nerdo War! Team WCW is going to remind you of all the wonderful El Dandy moments Nitro blessed us with over the years. Fredo and I sat down with a six pack and pushed play on the September 4th, 1995 debut episode of Nitro coming to you from the Mall of America! This is what went down.
Carlos: Man, right off the tip I’m hyped on the Nitro intro.
Fredo: Mongo looking tight. Digging his leather jacket with Native American trim.
Carlos: Where the fuck is Pepe?
Fredo: The dude behind Bischoff is definitely a rapist.
Carlos: Holy shit, look at that guy. You know, I recently read an article on The East Area Rapist/Original Night Stalker. Responsible for something like 50 rapes and at least 10 murders, preferring to target couples in their homes after extensive surveillance. He was never identified. That’s definitely him.
MATCH 1: Jushin “Thunder” Liger vs Flyin’ Brian
Carlos: One thing WCW did right was their relationship with NJPW.
Fredo: They only fucked up in not bringing more hard bodied Japs in more often.
Carlos: You’re right. But opening the first Nitro with Liger and Pillman is almost a guaranteed banger.
Fredo: Jushin almost going from Liger to crippled Hayabusa in the first 30 seconds of this match. Cool.
Carlos: They are chopping each other hard. I like dat. How confused do you think some of the people in that mall are?
Fredo: I wish I was going shopping and randomly stumbled upon a NITRO.
Carlos: USA chants at Liger. Pearl Harbor: The Mall of America never forgets.
Fredo: Pillman was so much better alive.
Carlos: LIGER JUST HEAD DROPPED HIMSELF ATTEMPTING A TOP ROPE HURRICANRANA.
Fredo: Liger doesn’t feel like he’s taken enough bumps this match. Needed to powerbomb himself off the top rope. Jabroni.
Carlos: Do you think his hair is real? If it isn’t, that wig just saved his life.
Fredo: It’s probably made out of samurai flesh and the souls of orphans.
Fredo Check out Pillman’s hair.
Carlos: It’s flawless. Kinda looks like my aunt’s hair in the 90’s.
Fredo: And Pillman wins it with the most awkward victory roll ever.
Carlos: Sweet opening match, though. If their job was to go out there and get people’s attention, it worked.
Fredo: I love Sting, but all of his promos should be about him being a great white shark instead.
Carlos: Any time Sting isn’t in red, white and blue I’m a little bummed.
Fredo: Stoked on seeing Sting v Flair for the millionth time tho. Not even being sarcastic.
Carlos: Sting and Flair, a wonderful mid-card match before that awesome main event.
Fredo: Ahhh yeah. Main event at every WCW show they were booked on, but bow before the drawing power of Big Bubba Rogers and Hogan.
Carlos: Pastamania relegating Sting and Flair to the mid-card.
Fredo: Stoked on them putting Pastamania in the same league as other sports celebrities’ very legitimate restaurants.
Carlos: That one kid is fucking hyped.
Fredo: That kid looks like they canceled Christmas in Harlem but his mama was able to get him that one surprise banger present.
Carlos: Bebe’s Kids on VHS. You know, I’m pretty jealous of anyone that had the chance to eat there. That’s the only thing people from Minnesota can hold over me. Fuck Minnesota.
Fredo: Nah man. Minnesota has Dillinger Four and legendary Twins center fielder Kirby Puckett. My man was blind and obeseAF in the end but still.
Carlos: I wonder if his other senses helped get him to Pastamania.
Fredo: Yeah, they did. That’s why he weighed like 300 lbs before he died. Kirby Puckett lived and breathed Pastamania. Hulk Hogan with another racist action under his belt. I’ll say it here first: Hulk Hogan killed Kirby Puckett.
Match 2: “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair vs Sting
Fredo: “This match could main event anywhere in the world” Except any fucking card with Big Bubba Rogers.
Carlos: Glad Bischoff acknowledged this could be a main event anywhere in the world. Just…not tonight.
Fredo: I’m always hyped for Sting’s theme.
Carlos: So good. Surfer Sting was the man. He looks like a prostitutes make up bag blew up in his face.
Fredo: OH FUCK, IT’S LEX LUGER.
Carlos: When I was ten I was psyched when Luger showed up. I was a stupid kid.
Fredo: We all were. Man, there’s a Luger chant. Why?
Carlos: Bischoff keeps yelling to get the camera off Luger. Those guys in the truck don’t give a fuck what Bischoff says. LUGER HYPE IS REAL.
Carlos: Thank god the match started. I almost forgot how strong Sting was. Dude is throwing Flair around like a baby.
Fredo: I’m pretty sure it’s the purple tights. And cocaine. Give Sting credit for being able to stone face that hard chop. Also the cocaine.
Carlos: FLAIR GOING UP TOP.
Fredo I’m sure he’ll get it this time. Nope.
Carlos: Sting gorilla press slammed Flair 5 times in this match. I’m psyched on each one.
Carlos: IT’S NOT LEX LUGER. MUCH EXCITE.
Fredo: I’m hyped on Arn’s windbreaker. Enforce the fuck out of life with that on.
Carlos: That jacket is definitely basketball coach warm up gear circa ’95.
Fredo: Yeah, like he’s gonna go shoot free throws with Karl Malone and Penny Hardaway after this match. Play around the world.
Carlos: Flair with a beautiful stalling suplex. He was no slouch.
Fredo: Sting has no sold so many moves in this match. He’s making Taker look like Mick Foley.
Carlos: It’s kind of surprising that these two guys are kinda having a better match than Liger and Pillman, which was good too.
Fredo: I guess not that surprising. They know each other far better.
Carlos: That dastardly Flair using the ropes during the Figure Four. Rudo 4 life. ARN’S TRACK JACKET IS OFF. NO ARN NO. ARN IS GOING AFTER FLAIR. Arn leaves. Leaving me here to pick up the pieces of my broken heart.
Fredo: Arn goes back for the jacket. He’s no fool.
Carlos: What the fuck is Scott Norton doing out here?
Fredo: From the looks of this screen capture, he’s asking Bischoff where the fuck he can get some stamps around here.
Carlos: WHAT THE FUCK IS MACHO MAN DOING OUT HERE?
Fredo:: WHO THE FUCK STOLE ALL MY STAMPS? I KNOW IT WAS YOU FLASH. DIG IT!!
Carlos: Hype reel for Sabu leads into Mean Gene in the ring.
Carlos:…to announce the winner of the Harley Davidson sweepstakes. Alright.
Fredo: Yo Mike Hill I’m hyped as fuck you won this bike. Take me for a ride if you’re reading this. JK you definitely died from heart disease.
Carlos: Or a horrific motorcycle accident. Alright, we’re about to get a look at a new superstar coming to WCW. We saw Sabu before, so I’m kind of excited.
Carlos: …………………….oh. “New” superstar.
Fredo: Glad WCW thinks I have the memory of a fucking sloth.
Carlos: Varsity Club Mike Rotunda/IRS or gtfo.
Fredo: Rotunda is the man. Great wrestler stuck with shit like this forever. At least his balls produced good shit.
MAIN EVENT: HULK HOGAN VS. BIG BUBBA ROGERS
FredoL Are you HYPED?
Carlos: Ugh. Do you think Ray Traylor had a clause in his contract to always wrestle fully clothed?
Fredo: His whole career is plagued by uncomfortable wrestling garb.
Carlos: And incredible poetry.
Fredo: His thighs must have been like thick cuts of roast beef after every match.
Fredo: I’m hard. Anyway, here comes Hogan
Fredo: I’ll say it: I enjoyed his WCW theme just as much as his WWE theme. CatchyAF.
Carlos: His WCW theme is a banger. Look how hyped he is. Jimmy Hart’s outfit. Yes.
Fredo: Hogan looking oh so tight. Like a tight slab of bacon.
Carlos: Thick cut.
Fredo: Hogan and Bubba need to slow it down.
Carlos: There’s a little Arab kid in the front row intensely booing Hogan.
Fredo: That was our only hint at 9/11. Should’ve known.
Carlos: America rules, you little shit. Look, Bubba is going after Jimmy Hart. Leave that sweet ass jacket alone.
Fredo: Hogan pulling out some heel moves. Our only clue at the nWo. A lot of hints being dropped to dastardly future deeds.
Carlos: Big Bugga Rogers hit the Big Bubba Slam but takes too long to cover. Only gets a two.
Fredo: Hogan picks up the W. WHO KNEW?
Carlos: HOGANWINSLOL. Oh no, it’s the Dungeon of Doom. OH NO, IT’S LEX LUGER AGAIN WITH THE SAVE.
Fredo: Luger looks like he should be an extra in Beauty and the Beast.
Carlos: Why, god? Why more Luger?
Fredo: Quick break before the last segment so WCW can plug their ongoing battle with…muscular dystrophy?
Carlos: If anyone can stop muscular dystrophy it’s Vader.
Carlos: Ending the night with Luger wanting a shot at the title. Ugh. Look at Gene, though.
Fredo: Really letting the aroma of sweaty bacon in.
Carlos: I gotta say, as a whole, the first Nitro was pretty good. 2/3 when it comes to solid matches. 3/3 when it comes to awful Lex Luger appearances. And Sabu.
Fredo: 3/3 awful appearances will earn ya a title shot next week on Nitro. I’m going to pick up 6/6 packs to try to stomach it. See ya next week!
Carlos: PEPE MCMICHAEL HAS ARRIVED. 5 STAR NITRO.
Fredo: RUN PEPE BEFORE YOU GET RAPED.
Carlos: OH GOD NO.
This is a Special message from Team WCW straight to Team WWE‘s doorstep. Fight us, you scum.