Monday Nerdo War – RAW – 09/04/95

So, as it turns out…there was no RAW on the 4th of September. The early years of RAW were plagued with episodes being preempted for dog shows and tennis. Unfortunately, that’s what happened here: Raw got bumped for the US Open. However, Joey and myself remain unshaken in our loyalty to WWF and we also remain committed to the Monday Nerdo War; so we decided to tune into our competition and see what the minor leagues offer up on their debut.

The show opens with Eric Bischoff introducing Steve McMichael as the newest commentator, followed shortly by Bobby Heenan coming out. Hearing McMichael talk makes me miss this fucking JABRONI: 

JOEY: I wish that was more harsh than true, but nope – Steve McMichael is the worst. They should have put Pepe on commentary. That would’ve been more interesting than that barely literate douchebag.

Not the commentator we deserve, but the one need. (Credit: WWE)
Not the commentator we deserve, but the one need. (Credit: WWE)

WCW opens the action on Nitro with Jushin “Thunder” Liger competing against Flyin’ Brian.

(Credit: WWE)
(Credit: WWE)

I’d hide my face too if I was appearing on the “B Show.” McMichael drones on about some nonsense as I’m forced to imagine what RAW banger I’m missing. Brian picks up a quick win by countering a German Suplex into a victory roll – but is it really a victory if it happens on Nitro?

JOEY: The only victory to ever occur on Nitro, was this glorious moment.

Sting is shown in a backstage segment, getting amped for his match with Ric Flair later tonight. Sting looks like he went to his nephew’s 5th birthday to get his face painted. Basically, he looks like a giant asshole.

JOEY: To be more specific, he looks like a big, blond, purple, face painted asshole. Who voluntarily paints themselves purple? Sting’s trying to join the illustrious company of Barney The Dinosaur, and Grimace.

Yet somehow not his worst. (Credit: Not sure who would take credit for this)
Yet somehow not his worst. (Credit: Not sure who would take credit for this)

The next interview shows Bischoff firmly place his lips on the orange ass of the WCW Champion Hulk Hogan. Hogan’s level of HYPE is most definitely AF. Not because he ate his vitamins, no no BROTHER, the RED and YELLOW has been chowing down on PASTA!!

JOEY: Kids, stop taking your vitamins, and saying your prayers – it’s time to let PASTA-MANIA RUN WILD ON YOU!!!

BROTHER (Credit: BROTHER)
BROTHER (Credit: BROTHER)

My hype level is also most definitely AF because the main event is Pasta Hogan defending the championship against Big Bubba Rogers. Rogers who was in the WWF during the 80s as The Big Bossman, gets to relive the feud nobody wanted again almost 5 years later!

January 25, 1993 the WWF had a certified BANGER of a match as “Nature Boy” Ric Flair took on Mr.Perfect in a Loser Leaves WWF match. I’m sure that if Flair knew that by losing, he’d be going to WCW, his career wouldn’t haven been on the line. Now the former two-time WWF Champion is stuck in the dumps of Dubya-Cee-Dubya and squaring off against the WCW United States Champion Sting. Before the match can start, Eric Bischoff parades out another former WWF talent in Lex Luger. After the match Scott ‘Flash’ BOREton…(I’m sorry) Norton, comes out to yell at McMichael. Then Savage comes out to yell at Norton.

JOEY: I take back Jerry’s apology. Scott Norton was a colossal jabroni. Any and all jokes are acceptable, as long as they’re at the expense of that clown.

There’s a hype video for the debut of Sabu next Monday. WCW was successful in throwing a fuck-ton of money at guys so they’d leave WWF and ECW. Michael Wallstreet(formerly WWF’s Irwin R. Schyster) is backstage. He run downs the “so-called ‘New Generation'” and calls them the ‘Few Generation.’

JOEY: SICK BURN!!

(Credit: Sarcasm)
(Credit: Sarcasm)

FINALLY, we get to the MAIN EVENT! The WCW Championship is up for grabs…in a GARBAGE main event. Hogan, in a BIG SHOCK, drops a leg and retains the championship. After the match, Kevin “I Set Up Chris Benoit” Sullivan, The Shark (WWF’s Earthquake), Zodiac (WWF’s Brutus Beefcake) and Kamala (WWF’s Kamala) came out to attack Hogan. Luger runs out and helps clear the ring.

He then challenges Hogan for the championship, and Hulk naturally accepts for NEXT WEEK!

JOEY: That ought to be boring as hell. Glad I won’t be watching that garbage.

Man, I can’t wait till next week, so we can watch some real wrestling: WWF MONDAY NIGHT RAW!


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Jerry Mascolo
JerryMascolo@Gmail.com