Air Date: January 17th, 1993
Venue: Manhattan Center in New York City, New York
Welcome to the second edition of the “RAW Retro Rewind Review.” Joey and myself are committed to the self-imposed torture of sitting through all these old school RAWs, in a conscious effort to truly gain an appreciation for where the WWE is today.
This edition of RAW should be a big episode, as it’s the go-home show for the 1993 Royal Rumble. For those who don’t know, Royal Rumble is a major focal point in the WWE calendar year, because the winner of the titular Royal Rumble match (a 30-man, over the top rope battle royal) goes on to WrestleMania to challenge for the highest prize in the company – the WWF Championship (as of January, 1993).
As with last week’s episode, we open up with potentially the worst three man commentary team in the history of WWE: “Macho Man” Randy Savage, Vince McMahon, and Jabroni Bartlett. Before going on, I’d like to apologize for associating “Macho Man” Randy Savage with the word “worst.”
JOEY: It sucks we have to do that to Vince, too. I’ve always really liked him on commentary. Bartlett, however, is genuinely one of the worst commentators that I’ve ever heard. He actually manages to bring Vince and Macho down with him.
Rob Bartlett pulls out a picture of Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, says “Let’s fight the real evil,” and then rips it up. WWE’s tendencies to mock and play on current events started early for them. Last week it was the Woody Allen/Mia Farrow bit and now they’re mocking Sinead O’Connor ripping up the picture of the Pope on SNL.
Moments later, The Repo-Man comes out and jumps Savage. As the other two commentators look on, Repo-Man makes off with Savage’s hat.
The first match of the evening is “Terrific” Terry Taylor going up against Mr. Perfect. Terrific is not the “T” adjective I’d use to describe Terry Taylor. Terrible. Terrible is the word for Terry Taylor. It could even be played into his name.
It pains me that, for the second time in this article, I have to associate a world class athlete with the hottest of garbage. Mr. Perfect can’t even get me to care about this match. Jabroni Bartlett earns that big, fat, WWE payday, though.
“Are you sure that’s Mr. Perfect and not Tom Arnold?”
I don’t get the context of that joke. I don’t even…did this make sense to anyone? If anyone can figure this out, please feel free to comment. During the match, Bobby Heenan calls in to hype Ric Flair and Mr. Perfect’s personal beef.
JOEY: Is it because Bartlett thinks Mr. Perfect looks like Tom Arnold?
Terrible hits a Gut-Wrench Powerbomb for a two count. Not long after that, Flair comes out and attacks Perfect. Perfect is tossed back into the ring and Terrible tries to capitalize on the run-in. He catches a Perfectplex and a three count for his horrible effort.
JOEY: Boom. Suck it, Taylor!
WWE keeps the hype-train rolling by giving us a real treat: Marty Jannetty is in action next. The one time Rocker is squaring off against some jabroni named Glen Ruth. Jabron Bartlett doesn’t waste time to pick the low hanging fruit and take us down to Banger City.
“He’s the illegitimate son of Babe Ruth.”
By now, it should go without saying, but I absolutely loathe Rob “The Jabroni” Bartlett. During the bout, the reigning Intercontinental Champion “The Heartbreak Kid” Shawn Michaels calls in to bury Jannetty and hype up their championship match at the forthcoming Royal Rumble. After a surprisingly long match against a ham-and-egger, Jannetty picks up the “W” via the Rocker Dropper.
You may see this and think, “Hey! Thats the FameAsser.”
And I’d respond with, “SHUT UP! Billy Gunn is a chode.”
Besides, this came first.
JOEY: How dare you! Billy Gunn is no chode, good sir.
It’s going to be tough to top this match, much like the second match from the first edition of RAW. But WWE is willing to try! Again, following the first RAW’s model, they bring out a banger of a top tier talent: “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair!
And he has the challenge of El Matador waiting for him.
El Matador is actually taking it to Flair during their match. We get all the “classic Flair spots.” Flair gets whipped into the corner and flips over the top rope, Flair climbs the top turnbuckle only to get tossed to the mat, and so on and so forth. Just when Flair is about to make his comeback, Mr. Perfect runs out and pays him back for earlier in the night.
The match is thrown out as Flair and Perfect battle to the back. Flair is able to break away from the backstage brawl to come back out to ringside. While being interviewed by McMahon, Flair challenges Perfect next week on RAW to a “Loser Leaves the WWF” match.
JOEY: Man, I can’t wait for that. It’s looking like that match is going to be the first good one in the history of Monday Night Raw.
That’s how the WWE decided to cap off the go-home episode of RAW. Remember when I said this edition should be big? It was not. The next edition of the “RAW Retro Rewind Review” will be a special one, as we review the 1993 Royal Rumble!
JOEY: Hell yes. Psyched to see this moment.
For those keeping score at home, The Rob Bartlett One Liner Banger Counter is now officially at:
FEATURED IMAGE CREDIT: YouTube Screenshot.