San Andreas Is a Disastrous Disaster Movie

Man, Paul Giamatti is all over the place. I’ve watched three new movies in the last few days, and he was in all of them. “Love and Mercy,” “Straight Outta Compton,” and now this one. I’m not mad at it, only pointing it out. Good for him. Work is work, and he’s getting plenty of it.

The other two movies were certainly better, though. By a wide margin, even. “San Andreas” is the sort of movie that people complain about when they say there’s too much CGI in movies. The argument I’ve always had, stands, and that is that the movie could not possibly be made without computers. Point to “Earthquake,” all you want, but it’s not the same.

Fortunately, that’s all irrelevant. The problem wasn’t the effects. They could have been a lot better, but they weren’t mock-buster level, either. The problem was the pencil-thin, and shitty characters, along with the ridiculous dialogue. I love The Rock, but not even he could save this turd burger. Oh, and another thing: Rock’s ex-wife is played by Carla Cugino, and his daughter is played by Alexandria Daddario.

Carla Cugino in "San Andreas" (Photo by Jasin Boland - © 2014 Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc., WV Films IV LLC and Ratpac-Dune Entertainment LLC—U.S., Canada, Bahamas & Bermuda)
Carla Cugino as The Rock’s ex-wife (Photo by Jasin Boland – © 2014 Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc., WV Films IV LLC and Ratpac-Dune Entertainment LLC—U.S., Canada, Bahamas & Bermuda)
Alexandria Daddario (Photo by Jaimie Trueblood - © 2014 Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc., WV Films IV LLC and Ratpac-Dune Entertainment LLC—U.S., Canada, Bahamas & Bermuda)
Alexandria Daddario as his daughter (Photo by Jaimie Trueblood – © 2014 Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc., WV Films IV LLC and Ratpac-Dune Entertainment LLC—U.S., Canada, Bahamas & Bermuda)

Those are two of the most attractive women to ever grace the silver screen, and I still didn’t care. This movie is turrible. I had to fight to pay attention to it. I definitely lost some big chunks here and there, because of that. I saw all the destruction, that’s for sure. How could I not? Those parts were loud as hell.

I know what so many of you will say:

“It’s a disaster movie. You’re expecting too much.”

Why? Why is it too much to want the movie I’m watching to feature well-developed, and interesting characters? Regardless of the genre, I don’t think that’s alot to ask for. I’ve never understood this forgiving attitude that everyone has about bad movies.

For instance, there’s pretty much anything that Michael Bay has ever done. He seems to get a pass on his characters, because his action looks so good. Why? Why is he not held to the same standards as others? How come that hack is allowed to get away with so much hackiness? But the second M. Night Shyamalan drops a flick, people lose their minds.

I’m not defending M. Night, by the way. I’m advocating for Bay’s career to reach similar depths.

I still remember seeing “Inception” in theaters. One of the trailers before the film was for “Devil,” produced by M. Night. The people in the theater were into it. You could actually hear and feel that. Then, once M. Night’s name came up, the entire audience sounded out with a loud, Homer Simpson like groan. It was one of the funniest things I’ve ever experienced. So many people were disappointed by the same thing, all at once.

That’s what I want for Bay. I want people to groan at the sight of his stupid name.

Anyway, you shouldn’t watch this movie. It’s not good. If you really want to see a disaster movie, google a list of them. Any of the ones you find will do, but I recommend “The Towering Inferno,” starring Steve McQueen and Paul Newman. On the other hand, if you’re looking for a Rock movie to watch, then I suggest “The Rundown.”

Even if you’ve already seen it, you should go back and watch it again. That movie’s awesome.

WRAP-UP

The Rock plays Chief Raymond Gaines, a helicopter rescue pilot who has to go looking for his daughter, after a massive earthquake. Boring characters, and uninspired action soon follow. Do yourself a favor, and skip this.

RATING – 5/10

It was really bad. All destruction, and no interesting characters. The only reason it got a five is because I love The Rock. If he wasn’t in it, then – well – I don’t even know. I’m sure I would have never watched it.

FEATURED IMAGE CREDIT: Photo by Jasin Boland – © 2014 Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc., WV Films IV LLC and Ratpac-Dune Entertainment LLC—U.S., Canada, Bahamas & Bermuda

Walter Winchester
JFinnegan45@yahoo.com