Welcome to the newest recurring series here on Nerdopotamus.com. Read along as I, Mr. X, watch Monday Night Raw, so that you can spend your time doing something….not as horrible.
To be fair, tonight is the “go home” show before the 2015 edition of SummerSlam. That means there’s a chance it won’t suck. It’s small, mind you, possibly even minuscule, but a it’s a chance nonetheless! That sure would be nice, huh? The last, big “go home” show they had ended like this.
I’ll be back here live at 8PM. Hopefully this doesn’t suck balls.
NOTE: I’m calling this right now. It’s 6:53PM. Here goes: Seth Rollins is going to open up Raw with a promo (I know it’s a stretch). He’s going to brag about taking John Cena out of action, and then Cena’s music is going to hit, and he’ll come out to accept the Champion vs. Champion match at SummerSlam.
UPDATE #1: Boo! Got it wrong. Episode’s kicking off with Stephanie McMahon and Triple H. I’ll take it.
UPDATE #2: Get on with it, guys! I already know that SummerSlam is going to be four hours long.
UPDATE #3: Let me explain to you what’s going on right now: Triple H and Stephanie are breaking down the entire card for SummerSlam. It’s miserable. This needs to stop.
UPDATE #4: Jon Stewart is going to host SummerSlam? WHAT?!? WHAT?!?!?!? WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That whole terrible promo was worth it for that reveal alone.
UPDATE #5: Randy Orton. I’m not sure about this.
UPDATE #6: Oh okay. It’s him and Cesaro vs. Kevin Owens and Sheamus. I’m in. Sounds dope.
UPDATE #7: Holy hell, Cesaro is so strong. I love that glorious Swiss bastard.
UPDATE #8: Please quiet down, Byron.
UPDATE #9: All right, well now I feel bad. “The uppercut train has begun.” Solid call, Saxton.
UPDATE #10: Man, the end of that was messy. I don’t know who messed up. I’m too baked to make that call. All that matters is that Orton hit an RKO on Sheamus and got the pin. Taker’s up next.
UPDATE #11: Live? Live via satellite. What was that bullcrap? Taker just cut a Bray Wyatt promo. Was that his whole appearance? Better not be!
UPDATE #12: Seth Rollins broke John Cena’s nose? Get out of here. When?
UPDATE #13: If he beats Cena, Seth wants a statue in his likeness put into the offices of WWE. I hope he actually gets that. #RollinsRules
UPDATE #14: Dean Ambrose on commentary for Reigns vs. Harper? Hell. Yes.
UPDATE #15: So, while we’re on a commercial break, I should explain: I’m a big fan of Jon Stewart, and I especially loved what he did with Seth Rollins. I can’t wait to see him interact with more of the roster.
UPDATE #16: “Endless eternal war.” Man, Ambrose cuts a great promo.
UPDATE #17: Another commercial break. So far, this show has been about one level above “sucks balls.”
UPDATE #18: Reigns vs. Harper has been boring as all hell. Ambrose is saving it on commentary, though. Dude spits hot fire.
UPDATE #19: I would very much like for this match to be over.
UPDATE #20: 9:01PM. One hour down. Two to go.
UPDATE #21: Reigns wins it with a Spear and a Superman Punch. Super psyched it’s over.
UPDATE #22: Tamina’s gonna wrestle? Get out of town!
UPDATE: #23: Beckly Lynch vs. Tamina? I’m in.
UPDATE #24: Sasha Banks is incredibly attractive.
UPDATE #25: I looked away for a moment and the match was over. Becky Lynch won? I missed it.
Update #26: Another Mark Henry and Rusev match? No thanks.
UPDATE #27: Rusev wins. It’s over. Thank God it’s over.
UPDATE #28: I didn’t notice Rusev on the flag last week. That’s hilarious.
UPDATE #29: Lana just slapped the bejesus out of Summer Rae. That was hot.
UPDATE #30: Dolph Ziggler came back and the crowd exploded. He saved Lana from Rusev and then they engaged in a little team up action, taking down Summe Rae and The Bulgarian Brute. Oh, and in an effort to try and get out of harm’s way, Rusev pulled Summer Rae in the way of Ziggler. Hilarious.
UPDATE #31: USA just played a commercial for the new Transporter movie. Looks awful.
UPDATE #32: I’m actually psyched Coach is back. It’ll be great to see that dork.
UPDATE #33: Ziggler and Rusev one on one at SummerSlam? Don’t really care. That better open the show up and not be very long.
UPDATE #34: I feel like I’ve seen that Lesnar vs. Undertaker promo multiple times tonight, and I’d like it to stop.
UPDATE #35: Oh, sweet, Ryback vs. Miz. This shouldn’t suck.
UPDATE #36: I’m kidding. Major suckage is imminent.
UPDATE #37: Big Show was on commentary. Ryback won. Then Ryback challenged Big Show. Big Show say no. Segment over.
UPDATE #38: Rollins/Cena contract signing is next. It’s 9:55PM. A little less than two hours down, a little more than one to go.
UPDATE #39: 10:00PM. Only one hour left. Almost there.
UPDATE #40: Move it along, Rollins. Let’s get Cena out here and get this promo over with.
UPDATE #41: “John Cena is a disease, and Seth Rollins is the cure.” – Seth Rollins. I dig it, but how long before it’s on a t-shirt. Or, is it already?
UPDATE #42: “He had to ask that cripple, Daniel Bryan.” – Seth Rollins. Boo is right, Mr. Rollins. BOOOOO!! (great heel work, though, good sir)
UPDATE #43: Whoever did the surgery on John Cena’s face is a damn miracle worker.
UPDATE #44: John Cena’s right. Half the crowd chants “let’s go Cena,” and the other half chants “Cena sucks,” but none of them say a damn thing about his opponent.
UPDATE #45: I wouldn’t hate it if Cena wins and becomes a 16x Heavyweight Champion.
UPDATE #46: OH SNAP! John Cena just said that all Seth Rollins will ever really amount to is the answer to this trivia question: Who did John Cena beat to become 16 time World Heavyweight Champion? That’s how you cut a promo!! That was the first time tonight that I’ve cared about something happening on my screen.
UPDATE #47: YES!! FINALLY!! Here comes THE NEW DAY!!
UPDATE #48: Xavier Woods is the best. I love that guy.
UPDATE #49: Kallisto pinned one of Los Matadores to win this match. Good for them. Let’s move on.
UPDATE #50: A little less than a half hour left. We’re almost out of here.
UPDATE #51: I will never get tired of that Stephen Amell footage.
— WWE (@WWE) August 11, 2015
UPDATE #52: Nikki Bella vs. Sasha Banks. Hasn’t been terrible so far.
UPDATE #53: Sasha made Nikki tap out with the Bank Statement. Awesome. Good for her. I apologize for barely updating during this. My brother was preparing a healthy serving of the devil’s lettuce. Sasha is Snoop’s cousin, right? She knows what’s up.
UPDATE #54: Paul Heyman? Everyone quiet down. Something awesome is about to happen.
UPDATE #55: Brock Lesnar is in his hometown, and every, single person there is happy to see him.
UPDATE #56: Paul Heyman is singing to us. Yes. Oh man. Just…yes.
UPDATE #57: Taker playing some mind games. Spoooooooookyyyyy. Is he really not in the building? That’s terrible. He better appear by the end of this segment.
UPDATE #58: There he is. Undertaker appeared, kicked Brock in the nuts, and choke slammed him. He then followed all that up with a devastating Tombstone Piledriver. This episode is finally over. Feels good. I’m free!
FINAL JUDGEMENT: SummerSlam should be a good time. We’ve got Cesaro vs. Kevin Owens, Stephen Amell and Neville vs. Stardust and King Barrett, John Cena vs. Seth Rollins, and Brock Lesnar vs. The Undertaker, as well as many other (hopefully) solid matches. It’s a four hour show, guys. I don’t know if any of you caught that one of the twelve hundred times they made sure to remind us on this episode alone. Did you guys see? It’s four hours. SummerSlam is four hours this year. Do you get it yet? SummerSlam is going to be four. Hours! LONG!!