Who’s Responsible For Green Lantern?

I have questions.

For starters, who made the choice to make the GL suits animated? And don’t you dare tell me it was “Warner Brothers,” or “DC.”  I want to know exactly who made that decision. Who said, “Yeah, it should be animated and veiny. It’ll look dope.”

While we’re on the subject, who made the decision to have every member of the corps sport the same, boring CGI suit?  No Guy Gardner in a fly ass vest, or any sort of identifiers, because we have to create uniformity! Yay, kids!

Photo by Warner Bros. Pictures. TM & © DC - © 2011 Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.
Photo by Warner Bros. Pictures. TM & © DC – © 2011 Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.

I get the idea behind it: they’re space cops, and cops wear a uniform. It’s still weak sauce.

Before I get too angry about things: who cast Mark Strong, Geoffrey Rush, and Michael Clark Duncan? That person deserves a raise. Also, whoever cast Blake Lively, you should report directly to Ryan Reynolds. He has to thank you for introducing him to the rest of his life.

Aww sappiness and love.

Back to the hate: who the hell cleared Parallax to be some convoluted cross between Legion, a rogue guardian, and Parallax itself? Moreover, who approved Parallax’s design? Who exactly was the person that saw that floating pile of diarrhea with Squidward’s face on it, and thought, “That’s a franchise builder right there.”

While we’re dumping on character designs, who cleared this doozy?

Looking good, Sarsgaard (Photo by François Duhamel. TM & © DC Comi - © 2011 Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.)
Looking good, Sarsgaard (Photo by François Duhamel. TM & © DC Comi – © 2011 Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.)

What else? What other questions do I have?

Got it!

Whose idea was the race car and the racetrack, and all that other hot, steamy garbage? Seriously, I’d very much like to know that. I know whoever it was thought it was slick to have Hal play with the toy car and track in his nephew’s room, earlier in the film, but that is pretty much the last time you see the kid. He’s never really played as all that important to our hero.

By the time I even remembered there was a toy car and a racetrack, I was exhausted from laughing hysterically at how ridiculously lame that sequence was. Hal Jordan makes his first big save as Green Lantern, and he does it with a race car and racetrack construct. BOOO!!

Oh, and who cleared that annoyingly cutesy moment where Carole Ferris reveals she knows GL is Hal, because duh – a domino mask doesn’t hide anything. I know that. You know that. We all know that. It takes so much credibility out of the flick to point it out, though.

It means that everyone else in that universe is either blind, or they simply do not care that Hal is GL.

There’s so much wrong with this movie, it’s insane. I don’t understand how it happened. They had actual comic book writers on board. They had some serious on-camera talent. They had a good enough director. It should not have turned out to be the giant turd sandwich that it is.

OH THANK GOD! I almost forgot about this.

Photo by François Duhamel. TM & © DC Comi - © 2011 Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.
Photo by François Duhamel. TM & © DC Comi – © 2011 Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.

What is the deal with Amanda Waller’s appearance in this movie? She’s there for like two scenes, and during one of them, she touches the ugly dude with the giant dome, and he sees her backstory. It’s so pointless. It was a clear, “she’s going to be important in the sequel,” moment. I hate that. Worry about making one good movie, before you start planning the next.

The same thing happened with, “The Amazing Spider-Man 2.”

Mark Strong as Sinestro (© 2011 - Warner Bros. Pictures)
Mark Strong as Sinestro (© 2011 – Warner Bros. Pictures)

Speaking of which – how lazy is the mid-credits stinger? Hal and Sinestro convince the guardians to take the yellow energy and forge a new ring, so that Parallax can be combatted, properly. Then Hal doesn’t need it – you know – because he’s the star of the movie. So nobody uses it at all during the climax of the film, or anything, and then after the first wave of credits, it cuts back there, and you see Sinestro lift that nifty piece of jewelry, put it on, and turn evil.

There’s no motivation for it. At least not one that is explained to you in this film. It’s another moment where the production team is clearly begging you to come back and check out the sequel. Part of me is super psyched about that sequel never coming, because this movie sucks a bag of flaccid weiners, but I also would’ve loved to have seen Mark Strong play the evil version of Sinestro. He was pretty perfectly cast.

You know who else was perfectly cast? Ryan Reynolds — as Deadpool. That is a film I cannot wait for. In fact, here is the green band trailer, which only debuted a few days ago. It’ll help wash out the taste of buffalo turds that the Green Lantern movie has been known to leave behind.

Click HERE for the red band version.

Joseph Finnegan
finnegan.joseph@yahoo.com