Right now, I’m sitting here, watching the 2009 Royal Rumble. Randy Orton only just entered, and he’s going at it with Triple H. The two of them later went on to wrestle that snoozer of a main event at WrestleMania 25. I only threw this on because I was bored, but it has given me an idea (see the title for said idea).
I like doing these pieces where I write, as I watch. It’s looser. I don’t have to worry about prose, or any of that other writer-y stuff. All I have to do is watch wrestling, and type out what I’m thinking.
Unfortunately, I didn’t think of that until too deep into the match I’m watching, so I decided to pick another year. Once that happened, the choice became obvious. How could I not pick the 2007 Royal Rumble? The final two are HBK and UNDERTAKER, and the exchange they have is incredible.
Okay. I have turned off 2009, and I’m about to start 2007 (WWE Network – it’s only $9.99).
UPDATE #1: Skipping ahead – The Hardys vs MNM (makes me think of Mercury’s horrible injury) – Test vs Bobby Lashley (gross) – Mr. Kennedy vs Batista (awful) – oh SNAP! John Cena vs Umaga in Last Man Standing. I forgot this match was on here. I may watch it.
UPDATE #2: Yeah, I’m going to watch it.
UPDATE #3: John Cena was in heavy “Marine” mode here. He’s got the camouflage on and everything. Man, that movie sucks balls.
UPDATE #4: Bell just rang. Let’s do it.
UPDATE #5: By the way, this match has such a brutal ending that there isn’t a marker for it on the WWE Network. You’ll see why when we get there.
UPDATE #6: These guys beat the hell out of each other. There’s some very liberal use of the steel steps going on.
UPDATE #7: Yeah, Cena just threw the steps at Umaga, same as he did to Bray Wyatt.
UPDATE #8: This match is awesome.
UPDATE #9: Cena’s been busted open. He’s bleeding all over the place.
UPDATE #10: I hit preview to check this article out. The Bray Wyatt gif is almost twice as fast as the Umaga one. Cracked skulls for days.
UPDATE #11: Cena blasted Umaga in the head with a television monitor. Holy hell, that looked like it hurt.
UPDATE #12: Umaga goes through a table! Not even that can keep him down.
UPDATE #13: Here we go. Umaga’s manager Armando Estrada took apart the turnbuckle, rope and all. He did it for Umaga, but it backfires, of course. Before they know it, John has the rope wrapped around Umaga’s throat. That’s how he wins this. Mr. Hustle, Loyalty, and Respect uses the top rope to choke The Samoan Bulldozer out. It’s awesome. It takes two tries.
UPDATE #14: Onto the Rumble. Ric Flair is number one. Finlay is number two. I’m in.
UPDATE #15: Kenny Dykstra? Get the hell out of here.
UPDATE #16: Edge? Tommy Dreamer? Sabu? Jeff Hardy? Matt Hardy? Super Crazy? “The up and coming CM Punk.” What a solid roster this match had.
UPDATE #17: I didn’t realize how far back the JBL, Jerry Lawler, and Michael Cole announce team went. They called this show. To be fair, they were given more leeway to actually call the show. It’s not the worst thing in the world, but you can hear the seeds of terrible-ness being planted.
UPDATE #18: The Hardy boys are out. Good. Screw ’em.
UPDATE #19: It’s Rob Van Dam. R-V-D!! Mr. P-P-V. Mr. Monday Night Night. I love that guy. “RVD 420 means I just smoked your ass.”
UPDATE #20: The world’s largest love machine – Viscera. Look at that big, fat, schmuck.
UPDATE #21: Kevin Thorn. People from Phoenix are Phoenicians. That’s all I’ll say.
UPDATE #22: Hardcore Holly. Dude rules.
UPDATE #23: RVD hangs on. Hell yes.
UPDATE #23: HBK! It’s about time! He got a huge response from the crowd.
UPDATE #24: HBK hits Viscera with a super kick, and then everyone else teams up to throw him over the top rope. Classic.
UPDATE #25: Chris Masters? Booooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!
UPDATE #26: Rated RKO is still in there. They were such a good tag team. Their rivalry with D-X was dynamite.
UPDATE #27: There goes Chris Masters. RVD eliminated him, and I sang a little song for some reason. It went, “Ha-ha, ha-ha, fuck you, Chris Masters!”
UPDATE #28: Here comes Carlito. BOOOO! BOO! BOOOOOOOOOOOOO! AHHHH-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
UPDATE #29: The Great Khali. This should be incredibly slow, and uninteresting.
UPDATE #30: He just hit like 13 head-butts in a row. Holy crap. Someone needs to get rid of him.
UPDATE #31: Miz comes in, and gets eliminated, just as quickly. He looked like such a d-bag back then. That dude went on to main event WrestleMania.
UPDATE #32: Khali clears out most of the ring. The thinning of the heard.
UPDATE #33: “Who can stop Khali?” 3, 2, 1 – *lights go out* – It’s THE UNDERTAKER!
UPDATE #34: Taker eliminates Khali! Good.
UPDATE #35: Down to four. Undertaker, Edge, Randy Orton, and HBK.
UPDATE #36: Orton has a chair! Blasts Taker with it. Deadman gets busted open.
UPDATE #37: Uh-oh. Edge gets caught by Orton, while trying to hit him with a sneak attack. The Rated-R Superstar talks his way out of it.
UPDATE #38: While double-teaming Taker, Edge and Orton are hit from behind by HBK, who they had all but written off, thanks to an RKO. Shawn eliminates them both, bringing it all down to two.
UPDATE 39: This is so great. A couple years later, these guys blew our minds at WrestleMania 25.
UPDATE #40: This whole exchange is high tension spot after high tension spot. Both men spend a considerable amount of time on the ring apron, clinging to the top rope. It’s great.
UPDATE #41: Sweet Chin Music!!
UPDATE #42: Another dose of chin music? Don’t push your luck, Shawn.
UPDATE #43: What’d I say? Taker eliminates HBK, and wins the 2007 Royal Rumble. Later that year, he went on to win the World Heavyweight Championship from Batista at WrestleMania 23.