This is fast becoming my favorite series to write. Mainly, because it doesn’t require me to do any research. All I have to do is watch wrestling and write down what I’m thinking. Consider this article my notepad. I’m going to blow it up with updates, as the event unfolds. Last time i did this, it was SummerSlam 1993. To say I did not enjoy that would be an understatement. What a stinker that show was.
For this piece, I picked a show I know I’m going to at least enjoy a little. I love the main event. We’ll get there, and I’ll explain everything when we do. For now, let’s get this show on the road.
UPDATE #1: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, and Coach on commentary for Raw. Michael Cole and Tazz for SmackDown. I aint mad at it.
UPDATE #2: Chris Benoit vs. Orlando Jordan to start this show off, huh? Let’s see how this turns out.
UPDATE #3: Twenty seconds later and it’s over. Chris Benoit walks away with the win, and the United States Championship.
UPDATE #4: Time to rip a bowl.
UPDATE #5: Edge vs. Matt Hardy is next. Nice. I watched the “WWE Rivalries” episode about these two recently, and I’ve been meaning to watch this match as a followup.
UPDATE #6: Before this starts: if you don’t know the story behind this match, you should look it up. Matt and Edge’s rivalry was very real, and it was very personal.
UPDATE #7: DAMN! JR just slut-shamed the hell out of Lita. Coach said something about how Lita didn’t want to be in the middle of Edge or Matt, and JR pretty much responded with, “Coach, you’re forgetting how much she likes cock.” Well the actual quote was closer to, “Lita not wanting to be in the middle of two men,” and then he chuckled dismissively. That’s not much better, doe – all I’m saying.
UPDATE #8: This is fairly boring. Matt got split open by the ring post, and The Rated-R Superstar has been dominating since. Sure, Matt looks tough, and full of perseverance, but this is all Edge.
UPDATE #9: Wow. The referee just stopped the match, so as to “not risk permanent injury to Matt Hardy.” Looking strong, Matt – looking real STRONG!
UPDATE #10: Rey versus Eddie is next. YES! YES!! YES!!! YES!!!! YES!!!!!
UPDATE #11: HA! Tazz just called Michael Cole, “silly girl pants.” Nailed it, dude.
UPDATE #12: The above video picks up moments after Tazz coined Michael Cole’s new nickname (I will definitely be using that for him in the future). You guys are all caught up with me right now. Let’s watch two dudes decide the custody of a child in a ladder match.
UPDATE #13: Eddie Guerrero was so good. As soon as he went near Dominick, the crowd started to boo. If he was a heel, the crowd despised him. If he was a face, the crowd loved him. I know that’s how it’s supposed to be, but not everybody is great at playing both sides. Look at Rey Mysterio. He could never be a heel.
UPDATE #14: If this is half as good as Eddie vs. Rey at Halloween Havoc, then it will still be a classic.
UPDATE #15: Eddie starts things off with a cheap shot. He was pretty upfront about that stuff. It was right in his entrance them. He lied, he cheat, and he stole.
UPDATE #16: This was Rey’s first ladder match? How did nobody ever book him in one before this? Rey Mysterio Jr. in a ladder match seems like a no-brainer to me.
UPDATE #17: Okay, now it’s actually time for some bowl rips. I got caught up writing there for a minute.
UPDATE #18: Ouch. Eddie just smacked the back of his head on a ladder.
UPDATE #19: Ladder sandwich! OWWWW!!!! Man, the crowd cannot make up their mind. They want to hate Eddie for the story, but they can’t help but love him. I get it. How could you not love the guy?
UPDATE #20: Holy hell, that was ugly. Rey back body dropped Eddie off of one ladder, and onto a whole other one. Looked painful for everyone involved. This whole match has done nothing but make me flinch.
UPDATE #21: OWWWWW!!!! Eddie just countered Rey, and smashed him into a ladder, ribs first. That looked and sounded painful AF!
UPDATE #22: Dominick is in the ring now? Uh-oh!
UPDATE #23: “You’re gonna love me. You know why? Cause I’m your new daddy now, essay, get used to it.” RIP Eddie, you glorious bastard.
UPDATE #24: 619 off a ladder. Awesome spot. Looked like it hurt the hell out of Rey’s ankle, doe.
UPDATE #25: OH SNAP! Rey got caught trying to take the briefcase down. Eddie pulled the ladder away, but Rey hung on – as long as he could. When he fell, he fell directly into a powerbomb from Eddie. It was gorgeous.
UPDATE #26: This match is much better than I remembered. Maybe it’s the bowls, but I am way into this right now.
UPDATE #27: Vicky Guerrero comes down and costs Eddie the match. Solid finish to a fantastic match. Eddie goes 0-7 against Rey.
UPDATE #28: Chris Jericho vs. John Cena for the WWE Championship is next.
UPDATE #29: Cena was still calling his fans “The Chain Gang” at this time. Hilarious.
UPDATE #29: Scratch that. I assumed it was. Turns out Eugene vs. Kurt Angle is next. This is going to be ridiculous.
UPDATE #30: This was for Kurt’s gold medal? Which Eugene had won possession of? What the hell? That’s terrible.
UPDATE #31: So Kurt’s….beating up a retarded guy…..right? That’s what’s supposed to be happening right now? I apologize if that word offends anybody, but you should do yourself a favor and pull that stick out of your ass. A word is a word is a word. That’s all it is. It’s fitting, so I used it.
UPDATE #32: The crowd is into this match. I forgot how much people loved Eugene. Although, they are cheering Kurt a lot, which means they’re cheering for him….to beat up a mentally handicapped man. I don’t know how I feel about that.
UPDATE #33: I’m back around. Kurt set a chair up in the ring, then stood on it, and had the ref place his gold medal back around his neck. There’s the Kurt Angle I love.
UPDATE #34: Cue sexy girls and lame joke about Vince running for president, because they’re in Washington, DC.
UPDATE #35: And we’re out. It’s time for The Undertaker vs. Randy Orton.
UPDATE #36: This was sold as the Legend Killer taking another shot at the Dead Man, one of the biggest legends around after losing to him at WrestleMania 21. Orton needed to beat him this time to prove that he truly deserved his nickname.
UPDATE #37: Taker tries to go Old School on Orton, but Randy counters with an arm drag, pulling him off the top rope (check out the image above).
UPDATE #38: A fan comes into the ring to distract Undertaker long enough for Randy Orton to hit the RKO. Randy then scores the pinfall victory, and the fan reveals himself to be the Viper’s daddy: “Cowboy” Bob Orton. He rips a prosthetic mask off and everything. It’s hilarious.
UPDATE #39: Okay, now it’s time for Cena vs. Y2J for the WWE Championship. I’m a big fan of both guys. This should be good.
UPDATE #40: Eric Bischoff was still around for this, huh? Screw that guy. Douche bag supreme.
UPDATE #41: JR and Coach trading barbs on commentary. Coach tells JR not to use a word he can’t spell, and JR responds by asking him if he knew how to spell Topeka, because that’s where he was going to be if he didn’t shut up. How’s that work, JR? At worst, Coach could have only been demoted to the offices in Connecticut. Pull it together, man. You’re better than that.
UPDATE #42: Super-plex. Those always look painful for everyone involved.
UPDATE #43: Lionsault. Lands it on his feet. Gorgeous.
UPDATE #44: Jericho tries the Walls of Jericho, but Cena’s leg strength is too much, and he kicks him away.
UPDATE #45: MY GOD! Have the “let’s go Cena/Cena sucks” chants not started yet? I can’t believe it.
UPDATE #46: All right. There’s a pretty huge “let’s go Cena/let’s go Jericho” chant going right now. Has Cena always just split the audience like this? Because this isn’t long into his run. Nobody was tired of him yet. He still had a nickname for his fans. I think that’s just the reaction that he gets. Hmmm.
UPDATR #47: You’re not kidding, Coach. It actually looked like everyone was on their feet. Solid match so far. Jericho and Cena have a great rhythm.
UPDATE #48: Cena hits the FU and gets the pinfall. Your winner, and still WWE Champion: John Cena. His time was then.
UPDATE #49: Boo! I’m genuinely sorry for that. I’m only publishing the end of that last update so that I can come back and read it eventually, and then hate myself for writing such a lame joke. His time was then. Awful. You piece of crap. Don’t ever forget this.
UPDATE #50: JBL vs. Batista in a No-Holds Barred Match for the World Heavyweight Championship. Oh no. I have a sinking feeling that this is going to be a scorching hot pile of dog doodoo.
UPDATE #51: I’m going to enjoy a dope ass piece of chicken right now. Bowls + finely marinated chicken = WIN! So much win.
UPDATE #52: JBL doesn’t even wait for the match to start. He attacks Batista on the ramp. Crowd was psyched to see The Animal, by the way. This was held in his hometown. I wonder if he’ll win the match?
UPDATE #52: No Tazz, Batista is not kidding you. He really did just tackle JBL through the barricade.
UPDATE #53: See the pictured marked: “JBL catches a Batista-bomb onto the steep steps (Courtesy of WWE.com)” How do you think it went from there?
UPDATE #54: That was weak. Thank God HBK vs. Hulk Hogan is next. This is one of my favorite matches of all time, mostly because it gave birth to one of my favorite promos of all time.
UPDATE #55: The match is great, too. There was some backstage issues about how long the feud should go. As far as I’ve read online, HBK didn’t handle them well, and decided that he would go out and make Hogan look downright silly in the ring. It’s so fun to watch.
UPDATE #56: This really is a dream match, though. Two wrestling legends going at it.
UPDATE #57: I love HBK. There’s a quick cut to him in the ring while Hogan is making his entrance, and he mimes some digging. Watch it and you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.
UPDATE #58: Test of strength? That’s not how you start this, HBK. Rope-a-dope!
UPDATE #59: Or you could just outwrestle him for a bit. That works too.
UPDATE #60: Hilarious. HBK takes a shoulder block and sells it all the way out of the ring.
UPDATE #61: “Yeah, it almost seems as if Michaels has too much energy tonight.” Way to stay on top of it, Coachman (sarcasm alert, you’re a dork).
UPDATE #62: Oh SNAP! HBK just slapped Hogan across the face – twice. Badass.
UPDATE #63: Make that three times. Suck it, Hogan.
UPDATE #64: Hulkster goes head first into the ring post twice. HBK is taking it to Hogan. He’s trying to bust him open with short right hands.
UPDATE #65: Shawn Michaels has succeeded. The Immortal Hulk Hogan is now bleeding like a stuck pig.
UPDATE #66: “HulkaMania dies tonight, and it’s going to die a bloody mess.” – Jonathan Coachman.
UPDATE #67: Oh man. Hogan is bleeding all over Shawn. Gross.
UPDATE #67: 1. 2. The arm can’t drop another time. Hogan’s about to hulk-up. “He’s entering into a state of HulkaMania.”
UPDATE #68: Hulkster hits a desperation suplex and buys himself some time.
UPDATE #69: HBK hits a couple kip ups, and then puts Hogan into a weak Sharpshooter (thanks to Hogan being a hundred and unable to bend in that way, I assume). Still though, I love that heel Michaels used that hold. Such a great touch. Also – ahhhhh 69! Right? Right?
UPDATE #70: Elbow drop and then………he’s warming up the band……….he HITS IT! It’s has to be over, right?
UPDATE #71: Nope. Hogan powered out. It’s time for him to Hulk-up, inexplicably, and win this match.
UPDATE #72: Yup. Big boot, leg drop, and then a three count. It’s over. They end the whole thing with a handshake (see the featured image), because HBK just “had to know.” Pretty cool way to end it.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Still love HBK vs. Hogan. Batista vs. JBL was a snoozer. Eddie vs. Rey was much better than I ever expected. Jericho vs. Cena was okay, as was Randy Orton vs. Undertaker. Benoit vs. Jordan was twenty seconds of irrelevancy. What else? Oh, and Matt Hardy vs. Edge was wildly disappointing. I hope their steel cage match was better. All in all, though, SummerSlam 2005 was a much better choice than SummerSlam 1993. That show sucked balls.
FEATURED IMAGE CREDIT: Courtesy of WWE.com.
PS: If you’d like to watch this event in full, then you should subscribe to the WWE Network. It’s $9.99 per month!