Spider-Man 2 Rules

I’m watching the movie as I write this. Doc Ock is about to ruin his life. That fool said he knew the consequences of even the slightest miscalculation. I bet he never thought his wife would end up dead AF.

By the way, I’m a wee bit toasted, laddie! I’m considering writing the rest of this in a Scottish accent. That’s where I’m at right now.

AKA: I am in the perfect condition to watch a banger such as, “Spider-Man 2.”


The Internet was set ablaze back when it was announced that Sony and Marvel worked out a deal to bring Spidey home. I was right there with everybody else, posting about how crazy psyched I am to see a Marvel Studios Spider-Man. Why wouldn’t I be? He’s going to interact with Iron Man, and Captain America, and the rest of the MCU.

Hell yeah!

At this moment, though, I am struck with thoughts of Tim Burton.

Allow me to explain: that dude made an awesome film when he made the 1989 Batman. Then Christopher Nolan came along, and everybody took a big, hearty dump all over his work. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a huge fan of the guy, but he made a certified banger. I don’t care how great Heath Ledger is – I can still enjoy Jack Nicholson pulling a giant revolver out of his pants.


I don’t want this movie to fall to the same fate, but I know it will. I’m destined to be the old man who argues with some jerk off kid over who was the better Spider-Man: Tom Hollander or Tobey Maguire.

Oh God, I’m gonna be the Seth Rogen. I love Seth Rogen, but nobody¬†wants to be the Seth Rogen. Everybody wants to be the Zac Efron. That guy definitely bangs, you know what I’m saying?

Ahh, I’m sure you know what I’m saying!

Where was I?


“Spider-Man 2” is far too good a film to fall from grace, simply due to age, or the fact that Spidey is in the MCU. If you’re going to tell me it sucks, then you best have a reason, home skillet. Don’t be one of those guys who only hates it because it’s not the newest incarnation.

Especially when there’s an action scene as dope as this:

Plus, why force yourself to choose?

There can’t be more than one incarnation of Spider-Man? I love Maguire and Garfield. In fact, I think Andrew Garfield may have been a better fit for Peter Parker. His problem was being stuck in a pair of bad movies. Tobey got one good one, one great one, and one terrible one. I can only imagine what a great Spidey film starring Andrew would’ve been like.

Now – how do I bring this home?

I have no idea. My stoned ass has been rambling for 450+ words now. I just love Sam Raimi’s, “Spider-Man 2,” so much, and I hate the idea of it being dismissed by a younger generation, all because Tobey never shared a scene with RDJ, or Chris Evans.

Screw Iron Man and Captain America. Tobey’s Spidey didn’t need either of those jabronis to kill all of his villains, except for Sandman.

Think about that – all of the others died.

Green Goblin? Dead.

Doctor Octopus? Dead.

Venom? Dead.

New Goblin? Dead.

Damn it!! I was heading somewhere with that, but I lost it. I’m never going to finish this article.

You know what?


I’m out, bitches!

Mr. X