Let’s keep the intro simple. For this piece, I’m going to watch WWE’s 1993 edition of SummerSlam, and commentate on it as I go, through the use of live updates. These are some of my favorite articles to write. They’re much looser.
I don’t have to worry about anything. All I have to do is watch wrestling and write down what I’m thinking. Why wouldn’t I love writing them?
UPDATE #1: Bobby The Brain Heenan and Vince McMahon on commentary? Sold.
UPDATE #2: Starting the show off with Razor Ramon vs. Ted DiBiase, huh? I digs it.
UPDATE #3: Scott Hall was a beast back then. Such a shame what drugs and alcohol did to that dude.
UPDATE #4: The Million Dollar Man was great – a solid technician and even better on the microphone.
UPDATE #5: This is old school through and through. Ebb and flow.
UPDATE #6: DiBiase strips the turnbuckle pad and tries to use it to his advantage, only to have Razor reverse him, and then hit the Razor’s Edge (pictured above). Done and done. The Bad Guy picks up the win.
UPDATE #7: The Heavenly Bodies vs. The Steiner Brothers for the WWF Tag Team Championships. We’ll see how this one goes.
UPDATE #8: Well, I’ll say one thing – the Steiner Bros. got one hell of a reaction in their home state of Michigan.
UPDATE #9: Scott Steiner taking some fools to Suplex City. That’s what I’m talking about.
UPDATE #10: I have no idea who The Heavenly Bodies are, but I’m willing to bet that they did not beat The Steiners. I don’t know the results, either. I’m just guessing here. Also, their bodies – not heavenly. They look like a couple of aging dads. Unless that was the point. I don’t know. Somebody please fill me in!
UPDATE #11: I knew it. Scott Steiner helps win it for his team with the use of a Franken-Steiner. I like to bust Scott’s balls, but that move is no joke. It takes an athlete to pull it off.
UPDATE #12: Shawn Michaels vs. Mr. Perfect for the Intercontinental Championship? Hell yes. This should be dope as hell.
UPDATE #13: Hopefully this picks up a little bit soon.
UPDATE #14: Perfect just arm dragged HBK from off of the top rope. Gorgeous.
UPDATE #15: HBK wins by countout? BOOOOO!!!!
UPDATE #16: That match really should have been a lot better. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t very good, either. I’m not sure what happened there.
UPDATE #17: I.R.S vs. The 1-2-3 Kid. Man, the Kliq was all over this show. If Triple H was working with the company then, I’m sure he would’ve been on the card, too. What’s crazy is they’re at the bottom-middle. Give it a couple years, and they were all at the tippy top.
UPDATE #18: Time to rip a couple fat ass bowls. Make this show much more interesting.
UPDATE #19: I.R.S wins? That’s anti-climactic. It’s always weird when the underdog doesn’t win. I mean, logically, it makes sense, but still – I don’t like it!
UPDATE #20: Time for Bret Hart vs. Jerry The King Lawler. Let’s see how Doink The Clown gets involved in this one.
UPDATE #21: Lawler comes through the curtain on crutches. I’m guessing he’s going to weasel his way into having Doink take his place.
UPDATE #22: Yup. King claims he can’t wrestle because of a, “little old, blue haired lady,” who caused him to get into a car accident when he was driving to the arena. Then he introduces Doink himself as his, “self-appointed court jester.”
UPDATE #23: This is evil Doink. I hate evil clowns. They’re nightmare fuel.
UPDATE #24: This is surprisingly long. I assumed Bret Hart would run right through Doink.
UPDATE #25: Oh snap! Bill Alfonso is the referee. Where’s your whistle now, bro?!?
UPDATE #26: Bret slaps the Sharpshooter on Doink. Jerry Lawler takes that as his opportunity to reveal that nothing is wrong with his leg, and then proceeds to beat The Hitman with one of the crutches.
UPDATE #27: The King tries to walk away, but WWE President Jack Tunney stops him and forces him to go back to the ring. People paid to see him wrestle Bret Hart, so that’s what is going to happen. He has Howard Finkel announce that if Lawler doesn’t return to the ring, he’ll be banned from the WWF.
UPDATE #28: It’s on. Bret Hart is unloading on Jerry Lawler.
UPDATE #29: The King was such a good heel. He had the crowd in the palm of his hand.
UPDATE #30: “Okay, Bruce and Owen – you guys are gonna stand in the front row the whole time and yell stuff at King. Got it?”
UPDATE #31: Bret Hart just hit Lawler with his own finisher, the pile driver. Bad ass. That move always makes me nervous.
UPDATE #32: Sharpshooter! (see featured image) Lawler tapped, but Bret refused to break the hold (for a very long time), causing himself to be disqualified from the match. The record books say Bret Hart lost the match, but we all saw it. The Hitman PUNKED the King out.
UPDATE #33: Who in the blue hell is Ludvig Borga? Get this jabroni out of my face.
UPDATE #34: He’s wrestling Marty Jannetty? I’m going to take a wild guess and say that Borga wins this.
UPDATE #35: Some incredible fans brought a sign to this event that reads, “Lardwig’s Hate Section.” That is hilarious.
UPDATE #36: Borga makes Jannetty tap out to the Torture Rack. Ugly. Very ugly.
UPDATE #37: I can’t believe they did Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez more than once. Their WrestleMania match is awful. I can’t imagine this upcoming one is any better,
UPDATE #38: “Rest In Peace Match.” No DQ, no countouts, but there will be a decisive winner. So it’s a no-holds barred match with a lame name. Cool.
UPDATE #39: I guess I get why they did it again. Giant Gonzalez was a monster.
UPDATE #40: Okay, the match has started and every single bit of novelty has already faded. This is going to be torture.
UPDATE #41: The return of Paul Bearer! I was wondering where he was.
UPDATE #42: Harvey Whippleman (Giant’s manager) tries to run at Paul Bearer and gets flattened. That’s right, bitch!
UPDATE #43: The power of the urn helps Taker take Giant Gonzalez down and keep him down for the one, two, three. Your winner: The Undertaker. Let’s move on. That was not good.
UPDATE #44: Before the main event, we get The Smoking Guns and Tatanka vs. Bam Bam Bigelow and The Headshrinkers. This could be interesting.
UPDATE #45: This has been a very typical six man tag match. Pretty psyched for it to end.
UPDATE #46: Tatanka hits a small package and gets the pin. This match is over. Thank. God.
UPDATE #47: I forgot the main event of this was Lex Luger vs. Yokozuna. This is going to be rough. At least Yoko was the WWF Champion. That’s pretty damn cool.
UPDATE #48: The LEX EXPRESS! Oh man. They interview the driver, and he’s not even allowed to watch the event inside! He has to sit in the bus and watch the show on a monitor. Hilarious.
UPDATE #49: Japanese national anthem? Love it. 93-94 Yokozuna was a masterfully executed character and push. Until earlier this year, I assumed that big mamma jamma was Japanese. Turns out, he’s related to The Rock. Go figure.
UPDATE #50: Macho Man Randy Savage is the master of ceremonies for the main event. It doesn’t mean anything, but I’m psyched to see The Madness.
UPDATE #51: Time for the American national anthem.
UPDATE #52: Yokozuna comes to the ring first? That’s dirty, Vince. He was the Champ. The challenger should always be the first to come to the ring. Plus, you know, Lex Luger sucks.
UPDATE #53: “Yoko-tuna!” Man, I love WWE fans and their signs.
UPDATE #54: Get on with it, Macho. We all know Luger isn’t going to walk away from this with the WWF Championship.
UPDATE #55: Yoko was always an impressive big man. So agile for his size.
UPDATE #56: USA! USA! USA! USA! I don’t even like Lex Luger, but I LOVE AMERICA!
UPDATE #57: I don’t think I’m going to be able to make it through this whole match without fast forwarding. So, spoiler alert – Luger wins by count out, and for some reason, people carry him around on their shoulders. I don’t get that. It was a match for the WWF Championship, which he didn’t win. As far as I’m concerned, that makes him a loser. I don’t care what the record books say.
IN CONCLUSION: This was a pretty mediocre SummerSlam. The best part, by a wide margin, was the segment with Bret Hart and Jerry Lawler. That was the only time that I was actually invested in what was going on.